Arizona Vacation, Part Ten

After 30.5 hours in the car I'm really not up for a whole recap of the warm, sunny week off that I just enjoyed. Even lower on my to do list is adding up all the gas and food receipts; should have used the airline miles I earned over the years. I'll get to the post tomorrow and the receipts probably next week. I do know that I went through 150 cans of beer in 5.5 days, kind of proud of that one. As you know I like to keep a list of all my accomplishments and fuck-ups on this here blog.

Arizona Vacation, Part Nine

The weather has been superb out here in Arizona, high temps, clear skies, couldn't ask for more. Last night we had to hit Walmart for yet another 30 pack of beer. That brings the total to six 30 packs in 5.5 days of fun in the sun. I'm doing my best. It isn't hard drinking during the day with the hot weather and all, pretty much goes right through you. Hit a "reasonably priced" Italian place last night and left with a $85 receipt in my pocket. The food was good and the service was excellent as I sat there in my camouflage shorts and Brewers shirt. The Renter graciously switched plates with me as mine came out covered in mushrooms (yuck). We sat by the pool afterwards and I think I finally got drunk on this trip - she sent me voice mails at 2:00 in the morning as evidence of my snoring. (Not the first time that happened, had to forward one on to the FA who initially started this growing in popularity trend.) Today, Friday, has been pretty calm so far with few people at the pool and the Renter and I pretty much having the place to ourselves. What more could you ask for? Actually been looking at some housing options here in Arizona. Affordable, think the only thing standing in the way is a new job down here. And selling my house but I don't think that would be too tough even in today's market; my house is about as far west as you can get and still be in the city of Milwaukee, nice neighborhood. Thing is I suck at interviews, horribly. Pretty much fell in to the two professional jobs I've ever had. Other than that not much new. Had to step up to the 50 spf lotion as both the Renter and I are showing some raw meat on our shoulders.

On a side note, I think a change of scenery would be good for me, not going up to the bar every night and actually concentrating on my professional career. Getting away from the fueding parents. Make my own life out here in the sun. We'll see, I've had a few in me at this point but it's definitely something I'm going to look in to when I get home.

Tomorrow we start the 1,800 mile trip back home. Even though I'll be sad to leave this awesome weather and fun in the sun, the competitive side of me wants to get on the road and make better time than we did getting here. And I miss he puppy. Can't wait to pick her up from Mom's.

Side note: just like the Renter left her mark in St. Louis with the St. Louis Slider, I had housekeeping working on our toilet for two hours after I had one of my world famous dumps. FA will back me up on that one (15 minutes at the Mirage and we had to make a toilet plunger call).

Renter starts the drive tomorrow, I's getting loaded tonight.

Arizona Vacation, Part Eight

This is the outstanding view out the back of the hotel room. Not that special, but when your day is done and you just want to have a beer or five, it works nicely.

Arizona Vacation, Part Seven

Check it out, the lone cloud in the sky. Yeah, it's pretty rough over here.

Arizona Vacation, Part Six

All is well on the western front. Supposed to be 110 and sunny today. Yours truly will be basking in the sun trying not to burn. I'm starting to get a bit of withdrawl from the outside world. Sure, I read the USA Today every morning but that doesn't give me a true picture of what's going on outside of my sunny paradise. Starting to think a little about work; did payroll go through correctly, are people calling in need of money? But today is Thursday, if anything went wrong I'm sure I can fix it on Monday.

So far the Renter and I are having an outstanding time, with no arguments, and if you know the Renter that means we're shooting birdie golf. I got her to go down the big slide at the other pool; once, that was it.

My phone's making some funky noise so I'll update again later.

Arizona Vacation, Part Five

As you can see from the picture, taken at 11:00 am, the Renter and I are the only ones at the pool. She wondered if its because we didn't take showers this morning. I haven't taken one since Monday. You can't tell me people are hurting this bad, in this economy, that they can't afford a nice vacation at a very nice hotel for $88 a night. Hell, if we can do it...

Last night we ordered pizza, salad, and chicken wings from room service at 6:30. I ate as much as I could and we still had food left over. That being said, by 7:30 I was ready for a nap. After drinking all day and having a full stomach I slept till 10:30. We got up and took a walk but didn't get far; the hotel is built on the side of a mountain and most of the roads are at a 30° angle. Went back to the room and I was thinking about ordering "Taken" but they wanted $15, ended up watching some Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac movie instead. Went to bed sober once again. I know, not like me, but I'd had a long day.

Today I think we're going to venture out to one of the other pools since the adult pool doesn't serve food. From what I remember from being here before the big pool has a pretty cool slide and a nice sit down eating place. We'll see.

Oh, one other note. Towards the end of my drinking yesterday I was approached by one of the staff here about having a cooler at the pool. Actually it was right at the side of the pool as the Renter moved it so Mr. Crispy didn't have to vet out of the pool to get a beer. The guy was really nice, said he saw me pull a beer out of the cooler in plain sight (not supposed to have coolers at the pool). He said, "You know, if you had the cooler under a towel and had your beer in a plastic cup it wouldn't be so obvious." Done deal! Whatever keeps us both happy.

By now my sunscreen will have soaked in so I'm going to test the waters. 11:30 and I'm going on beer number five. That's what vacation is all about.

Arizona Vacation, Part Four

See that little black dot closest to me in the pool? Yep, that's the Renter, handling the sun much better than I am. Too bad my phone camera doesn't have a zoom option, could have shown all the ear to ear grin she's had since we've been in the pool. Me, I'm baking.

Arizona Vacation, Part Three

Please don't concentrate on how white my ass is but on how red my back is. And yet here I am sitting outside in the sun on he second full day in sunny Arizona. Thankfully shit has calmed down a bit since the extensive road trip started. Yeah, I'm a bit burned but still hanging out by the pool like a trooper. Went out and about Phoenix last night for a little bit. Hit Walmart for some much needed supplies (aloe, beef jerky, bottled water, razor). I was surprised to find Milwaukee's Best Light for $13 for a 30 pack. That's cheaper than I can find it in Milwaukee! Picked up three of those, if we have to bring some back so be it but I'm going to try my hardest to finish them all (in four days mind you). Cigaretts out here are painfully expensive but we founx a Walgreens that had similar prices to back home; bought them out of my favorites. The only bad thing about Monday was my early morning headache that kept me from drinking like the true champion that I am. Buy the time 11:00 pm rolled around I was more tired than drunk; totally unacceptable for someone with my drinking abilities. (Side note: I kind of feel like Rev Run banging away on his Blackberry at the end of his show as I sit by the pool and type this out - sweet.) So update #3 was kind of lame unless you are really in to bright white butts. And that picture really doesn't do it justice - I've got more back there than it shows. By tomorrow I'll probably be even more burned and, hopefully, even more drunk than I was on Monday. Till then, peace out.

Arizona Vacation, Part Two

6:30 pm on the first full day, and I'm burned. Heading out for dinner with a stop at Walmart for some aloe vera. And beer and cigarettes for tomorrrow.

Arizona Vacation, Part One

ended up leaving on Friday night at 10:00 pm. The Renter supposedly had the whole timing thing planned out so we'd end up in Arizona at noon on Sunday. Note to all: lots of shit can go wrong on an 1,800 mile road trip.

The Renter was going to start the trip so I had a couple pitchers at the bar watching the Brewers get their asses handed to them by the Twins. 10:00 came and we filled up the tank and headed out. We stopped somewhere around midnight and I had a couple more beers at some hick bar that featured a bunch of 50-year-old people happily singing karaokee. We got back on the road headed towards St. Louis.

Apparently you have to be sober to both drive and to be the co-pilot. we had tossed the Mapquest directions and were going off the navigation feature on our phones. That seemed to work pretty well if you were paying attention to both the screen and the verbal directions. Sober driver, check. Sober co-pilot, not so much a check. I was looking at the screen and at the last moment noticed we were in the wrong lane. I think I got so much as a hand gesture and a grunt before the Renter cranked on the wheel. We hit a half-curb divider and caught a little air. Once we got back on the ground we were sliding sideways down the freeway at 60 mph. Don't ask me how we didn't roll it. We slid like that for a good ten seconds before she regained control and we screa hed to a hault, jumping the curb on the other side of the road. A cloud of tire smoke drifted over the hood and the smell filled the car. We sat there and looked at each other. I got out and checked the tires; they turned out to be ok. What a way to start the trip with St. Louis Slider.

The rest of the trip was less exciting, thankfully. Sure, there was the monsoon in Missouri and the one lane mountain freeway that was under construction in New Mexico and thank you Oklahoma for charging us $13.50 for letting us use your fine freeways. We typically slept at rest stops and gas stations. We got in to Phoenix around 11:00 am on Sunday. So here I sit by the pool plugging away on my phone just to let you all know that we made it safely (somewhat) and I'm enjoying what must be 95 degree weather sitting by the pool, cooler full of Budweiser within arms reach. Just marvelous.

Kornheiser, Flying, Trip

On Monday it was reported that Tony Kornheiser was quitting the Monday Night Football crew and was being replaced with Jon Gruden. A lot of people didn’t like Tony on the show and criticized him often. There was a lot of speculation that he didn’t step down as was reported but was forced off the set. His reasoning was that he hates flying and being based out of Washington DC it meant he had to fly quite a bit. Some people don’t buy this. I do. Just look at John Madden and his Madden Cruiser. That guy was driven everywhere. And then there’s me. I haven’t been in an airplane since the summer of 2006. Since I am based out of Milwaukee, WI (“based”, makes it sound more important than “I’ve lived my whole miserable life in this Godforsaken city”), most flights that I would take would have to be routed through O’Hare (Chicago). O’Hare is a short 90 mile drive but if I’m going to be gone for a week I don’t want to leave my car in one of their parking lots for $25 a day. Then I have to find someone willing to drive me there and pick me up. That’s just a big hassle and I don’t like asking people to do stuff like that for me. The other option is to fly to Chicago. Usually the price of the ticket from Milwaukee to Chicago to say Cancun is pretty much the same as a trip from Chicago to Cancun so it doesn’t make any sense to make the drive. But the problem with going from Milwaukee to Chicago is the aircraft they use for the short distance flights. Once inside I can neither stand up straight or walk down the aisle without turning my shoulders one way or the other. Talk about a horrible feeling when you’re in an enclosed container with only one way out and you can’t fully extend any part of your body (I don’t think they’d like it if I popped off the emergency door in a fit of claustrophobia). The longer flights aren’t any better. Even though they might have more top to bottom clearance there is still the leg room issue. Wouldn’t you know it, that little metal strip at the top of the magazine holder lines up directly below my knee cap. Imagine having that digging at you for a three hour flight. Now I know Tony Kornheiser isn’t a big guy or anything, but there are many other reasons why people don’t like flying so I’m going to go on record and say that I believe him. Rock on, Tony!

My own dislike of flying is the main reason why the Renter and I are driving to Arizona tonight. The old roommate and I stayed at this hotel way back in 2005 for one of his work outings (he worked for one of those subprime loan shark companies whose actions are currently crippling our country – but boy were his work shindigs ever nice!). It was a nice place built into the side of a bluff/cliff. Well, they just ran a special for $80 a night so I jumped on it. Looking forward to a week of fun in the sun. Even though I have enough airline miles saved up for two free tickets I just couldn’t bring myself to book them. I’d rather spend 20 hours in a car than three hours cooped up on a plane. At least I can open a window or get off the freeway at any time I choose. American Airlines runs a mile special for Mexico in October, might as well save them for use then. Could you imagine a road trip to Cancun? I’ll fly that one.

On a more serious note, the FA sent me a text yesterday (printed without his permission, of course). “Drinks and a fire on our patio Saturday night? Let me know…” To which I responded, “I’ll be ¾ the way to Arizona.” “The Renter said ½ way. Guess that’s the point she’s planning on kicking u out this time!”

As of Thursday night/Friday morning she wasn’t talking to me for some reason or another and I was quite pissed to find her smoking in the house without any windows open. Mind you we have a puppy with the lung capacity of a small whoopee cushion. Did I mention I got the good deal on the hotel because it was nonrefundable?

Wish me luck, I know I'm going to need it.

Fixing the Shower

Renter: Do they make waterproof screws for that?

And she had know idea why I was rolling on the ground laughing after she aid that.

Movie Review, "Marley & Me"

They should have named it "Puppy Dies" or "The Life of a Dog From Birth to Dirt." I balled my ass off for the last twenty minutes of the movie. And I sucker punched my friend who told me it was a good movie. Heartless dickhead.

Thinking About Shit

I sat down and thought, "How did I get into this situation?  What turn did I miss or when did I go left when I should have gone right?  What decision did I make to leave me in this uncomfortable position?"

 

And then I remembered the Taco Bell run at midnight, complete with Fire sauce.

 

This is a daily ritual for me, sitting on the can trying to figure out which meal it was that now desperately wants out.

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Burned Out

Is the economy that bad that people are driving around with one, two, or all three brake lights burned out? Can you think of a more dangerous but yet easily fixable predicament? My turn signal burned out the other day. I stopped at the auto store, got two bulbs for $4 and a torx bit for $5. This guy who works the number pad better than a screwdriver fixed the turn signal in five minutes in my work parking lot. If I can do it anyone can do it. Just senseless, kind of like this blog.

Gloating

I'm going to take a second to gloat a little bit here. I just had my auditors in to present their findings (or lack there of) to my board of directors and was thanked many times by many prominent people in Milwaukee's political scene for my good work. I should have deferred some of the praise to my boss and our Treasurer but I don't like speaking in front of a bunch of people too much so I just accepted it. Yes, this sometimes fuck up actually had a shining moment. Doesn't happen too often, just glad it happened on the work front.

Sock

My dog fits in one of my socks. God I'm so manly.

Cubs Fans in Town

Brewers are playing the Cubs this weekend which means Milwaukee will be flooded with flatlanders. We really don't like those people. My favorite disc jockey was just on the air. In the sincerest tone, "And for all you Cubs fans in town, if you're looking for a good watering hole be sure to check out La Cage." He failed to mention anything about it being a gay bar.

Excused

Everyone has their own physical limitations.  I was watching "Deadliest Catch" the other day.  The captain had been manning the boat for 32 hours straight.  The dude looked half dead when he decided he'd had enough and took a nap.  That's impressive to me.  But that's his job and I'm sure he had a lot of money on the line.  While he was awake all that time, he was just sitting behind the wheel looking for his pods.  Not a whole lot of physical exertion.  On the flip side, would you ask a guy in a wheel chair to be one of your deck hands?  One of the most demanding, physical jobs in the world?
 
Sure, I'm 6'5", 230 lbs, and play with 90 lb dumbbells at least twice a week, but that doesn't mean Mr. No ACL can carry a case of water up two flights of stairs with ease.  But yet I never say no when asked.  I should be automatically excused from tasks like that.
 
Mr. Obama?  Even though I didn't vote for you, can you send me about $3,000 out of all that stimulus money you're tossing around so I can pay the deductible for my knee surgery?  Actually, the money isn't that big of a deal, although I would like to keep it invested while the market is going up (IGNCX up 17% in the last 30 days!).  Maybe you could just give me the courage to go through with it and send your sexiest female aide to help me get around and wash my balls?  Oh, and a limo; my Jeep's a stick shift.

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New Blog!!!

So today I was thinking about starting a new blog, something unique to the blog world. With the way my knee has been feeling lately I thought “Left Leg Amputee Survivor” would be a good one but since I actually do have a tib and fib I can’t really call myself an amputee. That would be like calling retarded people retards (I guess that’s a big no-no nowadays). Besides that I’d probably get a lot of hits from people searching for “left wing” and those people and I certainly don’t get along. Somewhat along the same lines, “Walking on Three Legs” would be another good one but my member really isn’t all that big so that one went out the door. “I Beat Off Every Day,” can you imagine what kind of cult following that would have? Scary thought. But then it hit me. With everything happening around the world and in the news, I came up with the single most unique blog topic that I can call my claim to fame, “Survivor of the Swine Flu Epidemic.” I'm sure I'm the only one who's survived this bug.

Morgan Stanley – Customer Service

Hi, B to the…, account# XXX-XXXXXX, on 4-17 the fund solution program made a $XX,XXX transaction buying Pimco Total Return (PTTAX) which has cash holdings of 83% and bond holdings of 16%.  I might as well stick cash in my mattress.  Probably sleep better at night.  Can I dump PTTAX and replace it with an equal holding in Nuveen Tradewinds Value Opportunities (NVOAX)?  Thanks.

 

B to the…

[my phone number]

 

I emailed that off to two people at Morgan Stanley that I have connections with through work.  I haven't heard back from either of them and I still own Pimco, which has gone up a penny while Nuveen has gone up 5.5% since I sent the email.  Kind of makes me appreciate the FA and all he does, even though he used the term "circle jerk" in a sentence last week - haven't heard that in years.  Maybe I'm not hanging out with the right crowd. 

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Selena Roberts, “A-Rod”

On Dan Patrick's radio interview, Selena Roberts said that based on the sudden improvement in his bench press (from 100 to 310) in just six months in high school, and "in conjunction with the reporting that I did with [his high school] teammates would make it irrefutable to me, not a 'may have,' " that Rodriguez took performance-enhancing drugs in high school.

She’s a reporter for Sports Illustrated, has a book coming out with HarperCollins, supposedly did her research on all this weightlifting and steroid stuff, but yet she doesn’t know anything about the weight room culture? To get the weights to add up to 310 you’d need the bar with two 45 lb plates, a 35 lb plate, a 5 lb plate and a 2.5 lb plate on each side. Nobody is going to go through that much work to get 310. They’re either going to do 305 or 315 (three 45 lb plates on each side). Men don’t put 2.5 lb plates on the bar when they are bench pressing.

Safe bet none of those limp-wrist editors at HarperCollins would have caught the blunder. That being said, if something as simple as adding a couple weight plates is off, what else in her new book is not to be believed?