Thursday, April 29, 2010

I'm Ba-ack!

Hey boys and girls! I've got the mobile connection back up and running so you should see more activity on this lame ass blog.

(Kind of funny, not having access to my email on my phone - and no access to mobile posts - actually put me into a bit of a funk this past week.)

While I'm still not able to get access to my main hotmail account I can get an old Yahoo! account to send emails. I don't know if hotmail did something funky in the last two weeks but my old roommate is having issues with his, too. I've been on the phone with Sprint for over two hours now (nice people by the way) and they couldn't get it to work either. So, for the four or five women who email me for random hook ups, I may or may not get your emails. But don't worry, I have a roll of tickets like they have at the deli on my front door. Please just take a number and I'll be with you shortly.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Access, Error S7122

I'm not a big cell phone guy. I might use 30 minutes of air time a month. I might send/receive 100 texts a month. If my phone rings I'm not jumping off the couch to answer it. That's what voicemail is for. But this week my phone kicked me to the curb. For some unknown reason it stopped allowing me access to my email account. Effect: devastating.

This little blog here that I cherish with all my heart (since it brings in ALL the ladies) was mostly supported by my cell phone. I could post posts (?) and attach pictures and everything, so easy. And I could do it all while sitting on the toilet (hence the subject matter on here). And then, without notifying me of the labor strike, it pooped out on me. A letter of resignation would have been a nice touch. A new phone should come in the mail on Monday. New poop inspired posts should resume shortly there after.

Yahoo! Personals, 4/25 Edition

Kassie, while all of 21 years of age, was willing to put her picture on the interweb wearing only a bra. Gotta love 2010.

Behind the Cloth

In a statement to police, the 20-year-old college student said Roethlisberger encouraged her and her friends to take numerous shots of alcohol. Then one of his bodyguards escorted her into a hallway at the Capital City nightclub in Milledgeville, Ga., sat her on a stool and left. She said Roethlisberger walked down the hallway and exposed himself.

Now we know what the rag hanging from Big Ben's waist is for.

Lottery Winner

This guy just won $258 million off the Powerball lottery. At the time he won he had $28.96 in his checking account. He's 29 and has more kids than missing teeth. Chris Shaw, "We didn't come from money. For us it's just going to be a huge relief to know I'm going to be able to pay my electric bill, my gas bill," Shaw told the Associated Press. "It's like a weight lifted. I had bills at home I didn't know how they were going to be paid." If anyone advises him to take the cash option they're really f-ing stupid.

Shit like this grinds my already ground balls.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Batter Up

I saw the black truck approach as I was walking the Puppy for her morning poopies. I couldn’t tell if it was a Honda or a Toyota. I know someone who drives a black Toyota who lives in the direction that the truck was coming from. As the truck got closer I saw the hand wave. It was the person I thought it was, the same person who not 12 hours earlier was treated to naked pictures of me from the Renter’s computer.

I’m not sure if “treated” is the correct term when talking about naked pictures of me. More like iris burned instead of treated.

The Renter and I had a bet going to see who could lose five pounds first. I figured I’d try to show her up and lose it in a week. I was eating three sticks of string cheese for breakfast, a foot-long sandwich from Subway for lunch, and I’d stick with beer for dinner. This, my friends, did not play out very well. Drinking on an empty stomach meant I was getting fucked up pretty quickly every night. Thank God the bet is over. The Renter won.

Going out for breakfast at a place that serves beer is also not a good idea. That’s exactly what I did this past Saturday. This led to me needing a “time out” around noon. Had I continued I would have been a sloppy mess by 6:00. My “time out” consisted of putting a new CD player in the Jeep. My “time out” ended abruptly at 2:00 when the neighbor kid stopped over, the same neighbor who had to help me stumble home around 10:00. Wish I had video of that.

(Note: shots with Red Bull might have caffeine in them but they also have alcohol which will eventually overpower the caffeine and leave you rather fucked up.)

Sunday sucked. I put the chrome rims on the Jeep but I was feeling like shit. I popped open a beer around 5:00 because I had company coming over for steaks and I wasn’t in a talkative mood being sober. My new friends from down the block are older and I always like to pick older people’s brains; they’ve been there, they’ve done that, they know how to escape and survive with the least amount of cuts and scrapes. That and older people have more years in which to accumulate funny stories and jokes.

Gullum brought over the steaks and handed them to me. I don’t do steaks well. Usually I over cook them. Each steak had a $10 price tag on it so there was a possibility that I was going to fuck up $70 worth of steaks. I didn’t like the feeling in the pit of my stomach. Every time I heard what could have been a flame up I jumped out of my chair to check the grill. Gullum could sense my nervousness. Eventually he got up, looked over my shoulder and said, “I think they’re done.” Finally I could sit down, scarf some food and relax.

Everything was good until the Renter connected her computer to the TV and started showing naked pictures of me. I guess when I drink too much I like to do stupid stuff for the camera. She had pictures of me doing her stuffed animal doggy style. That one was safe for work. The one with me in a thong only had one testicle popping out, almost safe for work. The one with me completely naked (and a bit of a hard on) on my bed pointing to the “Drunk” sign the Renter painted on the wall above my pillows took the cake. “I was getting ready for baseball season!”

And then I see one of the partygoers not 12 hours later as she’s driving to work. I’m sure I’ll hear about it from the rest of the group at the corner bar tonight.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Schedule Change

I wouldn’t really call myself a “mama’s boy” but I didn’t exactly move out when I turned 18 or went to college. I went to two colleges that were approximately 15 minutes away from my parents’ house so there really wasn’t a reason to pay for room and board. Sure, I probably missed out on the college experience and (cringe) sex with many, many co-eds but I was fine with that. I’ve always been a money guy. When I was in grade school and had a paper route I’d put all my money into three envelopes labeled save, spend, and car (I was really big in to radio controlled cars back then and I have many worthless trophies to show for it). During my three years at the movie theater I’d take $80 out of my check and put the rest in the bank. Not $100 because that would reduce the savings amount, but $80. How I managed to get by on $80 for two weeks 14 years ago I have no idea (might have to do with that cost of living thing). Anyway, I didn’t move out of the parents’ house until I was 27 and even then only because my job required me to live within the city limits. I moved to an apartment with the old roommate and a year later bought my current house.

Even though I had moved out I still went to the parents’ house every night after work for dinner. Mom, dad, sister and I would eat whatever bland meal my mom made and watch Friends, Seinfeld, or Everyone Loves Raymond. I’d stick around for an hour or so and head home. I was lifting weights during lunch so when I got home it was all free time. I would either do laundry, play poker online, or shoot the shit with the old roommate over a couple beers.

In recent years I’ve been lifting weights in the basement after work/dinner. This has posed a bit of a problem with my nightly schedule. Since my parents separated I cut down the dinner visits to two nights a week, Monday and Wednesday. If I were to lift weights on either of those nights my “free time” wouldn’t start till 7:30. So I stuck to a routine of lifting on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. This pretty much fucked up my Tuesday night pool leagues but I was fine with that. My arms would still be jittery at 8:00 from doing bench presses with 225 lbs.

Then I turned 33. While not exactly old I’m certainly not a spring chicken anymore. But with the big 33 I felt that the whole dinner thing was getting old. How many people do you know who are over 30 and go to their parents’ house for dinner? Almost unthinkable for me, but if I were married and had (gasp) kids I certainly would not be going anywhere for dinner but my own home. So, even though my mom has been an emotional wreck the past couple years I had to put the cabosh on the dinner plans.

And now…

As Dick Vitale would put it…


On Wednesday I was able to be home by 5:15, took the puppy around the block, lifted weights and had food ready and a beer in my hand by 6:15. Fucking sweet! I was in bed shortly after 10:00 and woke up before my alarm went off this morning. I could really get used to this.

I hope mom can.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Cost of Living

The Renter just stormed out because I made her 2011 budget and included a $20 increase in rent. "I'm moving out then." Inflation. Taxes. Heat. None of these have gone down in the past four years but rent hasn't gone up a penny. "What more am I getting?" Nothing. That's how the world works. I could have paid $3,500 for a bran new '69 Camero back in '69 but nowadays would have to shell out a shit load more for one. Back when I started smoking a pack of sigs were $2.20, now $7.00. Shit goes up in price. Before this housing crisis crap when people can't pay their huge loans housing was going up every year. Common economics. I don't think $20 is too much to make a huge deal out of it. Do you?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Spring Cleaning

This weekend was a little busier than most. Usually in the summer time I’ll do a little yard work, wash the Jeep, and get the first beer opened well before 3:00. But this weekend, well, some idiot (me) invited ten people over for a Sunday get together. These weren’t my normal slap dick friends but people I’d put in the acquaintance category. Since the Renter fired the cleaning lady over two months ago there hasn’t been much cleaning going on. Like none. I didn’t want these acquaintances to come over and see the brown/orange ring that was growing in the toilet or the sink overflowing with dirty dishes. Saturday the Renter and I started with the easy part and washed the deck. This entailed the use of a hose and, well, that’s it, a hose, pretty labor intensive. I did get the Jeep washed before my dad stopped by with some junk he wanted to get out of his house. I now I have three shop vacs and more pirate memorabilia than a normal person should have. (Why my dad thinks I like pirates is beyond me.) After he left around 4:00 the picture gets a little fuzzy. Dad had two beers and I didn’t want him to drink alone so I had ten. I believe I watched the Masters until the bar opened at 6:00, had two pitchers, left the bar with half a pitcher, tried to start a fire using gasoline, failed miserably and went to bed feeling a bit dejected. And a little drunk.

Sunday was when the real cleaning went down. The Renter and I started around 11:00 and didn’t finish until 4:00. I tackled the bathroom and living room while the Renter took on the kitchen. Cleaning the bathroom wasn’t too bad except for getting some funky stuff off the ceiling above the shower. The living room was much less strenuous and (don’t tell the Renter) I was sneaking in bits and pieces of Saving Private Ryan while the Renter was banging pots and pans in the kitchen. But eventually we got it done and now it looks better than it ever has.

The Renter wasn’t done. She had promised to make a tasty Korean steak meal that everyone was looking forward to. She slaved away in the kitchen until 6:00. The meal turned out to be a smashing success but you should have seen the tired look in her eyes when I suggested if there was a next time it would be easier if I did burgers on the grill. Around 9:00 some of the older people started to head home while some younger people were just showing up. Everyone was having a good time, throwing jabs here and there, a good deal of which were falling on the neighbor kid down the block (I’d call him Bat Boy but I made him take that thing home with him last night). But then, out of nowhere, the bartender Gollum spoke up, “Who’s cooking next week?” Next week? NEXT WEEK?! Oh fuck, don’t tell me I have to go and do all this cleaning again because the corner bar is closed and the patrons will be coming to my house on a weekly basis. I mean, I already got put on the schedule (read: not my idea) for Taco Tuesdays on the deck but those are just my low life friends. They don’t care if there’s soap in the bathroom or a hand towel as I’m sure none of them wash their hands (although it’s a good idea after handling jalapenos on the tacos!). They have seen my house in disaster conditions before. But other people, slightly more dignified, who definitely have matching socks and combed hair, they can’t see my house looking like it hasn’t been cleaned in two months.

Maybe I’ll just have to concentrate harder and not pee on the seat/floor.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Personal Floatation Devices

Heidi Montag shows off her new personal floatation devices while awkwardly holding what appears to be a knee buckling 35 lb beach ball.

Friday, April 09, 2010

WNBA Draft

They had the WNBA Draft on Thursday. Who the fuck knew or cared?

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Wish List, 4/7

2" lift kit for Jeep - $300

New 32x11.5" tires - $600

New fenders to replace faded ones - $180

4.11 gear ratio axles - $1,000

New front door to the house - $300

Siding cracks fixed/painted - blood, sweat, tears

Exhaust fan in the basement - $250

Cable connection in my bedroom - $100

Garage floor fixed - $1,000

If I hit 4 out of 5 and the Powerball tonight ($10,000) I might even add to the list a sexy Latina cleaning lady who works the night shift.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Motivation Issues/Warding Off Evil

My motivation was seriously lacking this weekend. I took Friday off as Thursday was beautiful and sunny. Friday not so much. I managed to change the oil in the Jeep but didn’t make it to changing the tires and wash and wax. Puppy and I sat outside all day watching a Yankee spring training game.

Saturday wasn’t much better. I sat on the couch watching shit TV till about 5:30 and spent 45 minutes lifting weights. After that I played free pool at the bar for the rest of the night. I had five pitchers and left around midnight after a bunch of people wanted to play and bartender Gollum couldn’t just play with each other (if you read anything gross into that it’s your own damn fault).

Around 12:30 the Renter woke me up. “Go to the casino with me!” I haven’t done well at the casino lately. On the last couple trips I’ve been up $1,000 and left with either $100 profit or a $500 loss. While yours truly does have some disposable income left over in the monthly budget, losing $500 is not the direction it should take. I swear it took twenty minutes to get her out of my bedroom. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t go. I won.

Sunday’s activities went about pretty much the same way as Saturday’s. I watched some Dirty Jobs with Mike Row until 6:00 before I got some motivation to cut up some wood in the back yard. The weather’s been getting nicer lately and I knew I’d need wood for the fire pit. That and the neighbor is trying to sell his house so I figured I’d clean up a little for his sake. While sawing away the neighbor kid from down the block stopped over. He’s a little different to say the least. He “volunteered” to help out only to have the words “I’m getting a little thirsty” pop out of his mouth after ten minutes of work. I had wanted to lift weights after finishing the wood but the nice weather and company tripped the beer trigger in my head. I had already moved the TV to the window of the kitchen so we sat outside and watched a rather exciting Yankees/Red Sox game. Bartender Gollum and his kid stopped over for a bit but then left to go see a movie. Then the fireworks started.

Around 10:30 there was an argument down the road. I’m not exactly sure what the argument was about (yes I do) but the neighbor kid picked up his wooden baseball bat that’s been sitting on my deck for ages and stormed down the street. Great, I thought, now whoever is arguing is going to think he lives at my house and might end up coming over by my house. I heard one guy say, “Who the fuck is that with the baseball bat?” as the neighbor kid emerged from the shadows wielding the weapon. “I’m the authority!” I couldn’t help but laugh out loud while all this was going on. Fortunately nothing came of it.

I made myself five chicken legs on the grill and smothered them with Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Wing sauce and called it a night. The corner bar is no longer open on Sundays and as Gollum said, “You just saved $20 tonight.” They used to have a Sunday special, $15 for all the pitchers you could drink, and with a $5 tip it would come to $20 (God I’m good at math). Didn’t actually “save $20” as the 10-12 cans of Natural Light I was drinking ran me $.40 a can but still, there was a decent cost savings. Just have to remember to pick some up tonight on the way home for the NCAA Championship game. I don’t think it will be too hard to remember – saving money gives me a hardon.

Friday, April 02, 2010

Where's Waldo?

Puppy edition..

Thursday was 75 and sunny so I took today off looking for the same. While it's warm out it certainly isn't sunny. Still changed the oil in the Jeep myself even though I'm sure I could get it done at a shop for what I paid for the oil and filter. Would have been much less of a headache too as I couldn't get the oil cap off after draining the oil. Wouldn't be the first time I've worked on my car and left it inoperable. Kind of a wasted vacation day but at least the puppy is out enjoying some fresh air.

Oh, and the Renter made some kick ass meatballs that I've been marinating with a number of Natty Lights. Guess the day isn't lost yet.

Yahoo! Personals, 4/2 Edition

Meet our friend Janet, from Milwaukee, who appears to be in an office setting with her boob falling out. Dead giveaway for a fake ad.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Housing Market

Sure, my parents' house was on the market for over a year but I didn't the housing market was that bad until the house next to mine went on the market this week.

I bought my house four years ago, back when everything was hunky dory in the housing/financial sectors. Then, thanks to my old roommate and some shady loans, the bottom dropped out faster than I could down a pitcher. My parents' house took a while to sell but they still got out at a good price.

This week a Shorewest sign was posted in the front yard of the house next to me. The old guy who was living there passed away two years ago and his kids have been mowing the grass and shoveling snow there ever since. I figured they'd eventually put it on the market at some point but for the last two years it was kind of nice having outdoor parties and not have to worry about being too loud or anything.

But what shocked the fuck out of me is their listed asking price. It's 70% less than what I paid for my similarly sized house. Its also substantially less than what I owe on my house. (While I have made extra payments to principle I've also put money into the market which as of late has done much better than a 5% return - a little credit to the FA here.) That being said, now I'm worried about what kind of people will be moving in and dealing with that black/white kitchen floor. Hopefully they're both cool and pool players. Supposedly the pool table in the basement is included in the sale.