Thursday, March 31, 2011

Excuse Me?

Watching "Weeds" on Netflix (which is totally out of there if you knew where the Renter and I work).

Renter, burping: "Excuse me."

Me: " What? I burp and fart all the fucking time. I don't say "excuse me." I'd be saying that every ten minutes if I was of that nature. Mr. Efficiency, I'm not wasting my breath. Not worth it. If you shit on my couch you better say 'excuse me' and get the fuck out of my house for three hours because I will kill you, but a belch?"

Renter: "But what if we need to order this for the meeting next week?"

Do I look like I'm at work? If there's a beer in my hand I'm not at work. Save it for tomorrow.

And then there's my brilliant idea.

"If I rubbed Doritoes cheese on my cock would my penis be suckable?"

Not knowing what Doritoes cheese would feel like, and with the Renter offering the 3/4 empty bag of chips to dip my penis in, I respectably declined. I mean, I've had WD40 on my cock before and that shit burned. Spicy Sweet Chili Doritoes, I don't think that would end well, even if I had lips wraped around my penis.

The average Thursday night at my house.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

New Tires

The Renter and I have abnormal driving habits. Abnormal to the typical Midwestern peep. Our financial advisor (FA) wanted us to sign some paperwork out in Brookfield and we both balked at it. Driving to his office would equal 20% of our weekly driving routine. (Sorry, FA, thanks for bringing the paperwork over.)

Somehow the Renter and I ended up working at the same job. I might have helped a bit in getting her hired but she's perfect for the job. My company wouldn't be what it is without her. In a good way, of course.

Since we work/live together we car pool to work every day. I drive three days a week with the understanding that she will drive on the weekends if we go somewhere. Being Mr. Efficient I purchased my house six miles from downtown Milwaukee and six miles from Brookfield Square (good luck finding me, stalkers). Even for those not mathmatically inclined that's 36 miles I drive a week, even less for the Renter assuming we don't do anything on the weekends.

I have a 2002 Jeep Wrangler with 35,000 miles.

This weeked the Renter got a bug up her ass that she needed new tires. Back up a year, I used to goat her that she needed to save money for new tires, when the time came. I just wanted her to save money period and I know how much she likes her car so perfect, right?

Today she wanted tires. Actually got a good deal from Sears, $550 for four. I went outside and checked out her car. Still had a quarter of an inch of tread on them. Since we drive so little that quarter inch could last aother year. I could just see the service guys (who most certainly have bigger penises than I) laughing as we trade in perfectly good tires for new ones. Not wanting to be taken advantae of I round-aboutly got her to not get new tires (sit in her room for four hours) and not spend the $550 (because saving $550 is so bad).

And that has been my Saturday so far, sitting with puppy watching basketball, no human contact unless you count the FA texting me from the Bucks/Bulls game. Who watches pro ball in March?

Acura/Calvin Johnson Commercial

Has anyone else seen this commercial? Calvin Johnson stands there in his footbal uniform, gets undressed and puts on asuit and tie. But seriously, I'm not making millions playing football but if I was I wouldn't have more stomach fat than a 33 year old accountant who drinks 15/20 beers a night. And I thought Dez Bryant had issues.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Smiley Photo From Chicago

I'm not sure if this photo is flattering for either my friend or myself, but(t) at least we're both smiling!

Coaching Carousel

I know this is the time of year where small school coaches that made the Big Dance get swooned by large colleges with even larger contracts. I've heard a couple rumors floating around out there that I can pretty much squelch. Marquette coach Buzz Williams will not be leaving for a bigger school. 2-3 years ago he built a 12,000 sq ft house in a suburb of Milwaukee. I mean, his master suite is bigger than my whole house. These coaching contracts are for big bucks but can you imagine what little demand there is for a house that size in Milwaukee?

Andy Katz, tell them you heard the story here first.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

March Madness/Trip to Chicago

This past weekend The Renter, another friend and I made a trip to Chicago to see some friends. Funny thing is, besides all the basketball games we took in, our friend's house was just like mine in the summer; people stopped over all the time, unannounced. And it was a great fucking time. Coming home, after all that human contact, well, kind of sucked being home. But on the good side summer's almost here, Brewers will be starting soon, and hopefully things will turn around on a brighter note. Hell, if the sun's out it's gotta get brighter.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Dear Mr. Sheen

Thank you very much for the invitation to the house warming party at your new mansion. From the picture I've seen the place looks fantastic! However, as much as I would love to attend, I have to respectively decline.

I know the party will be a blast, even if it were just you and I. And four professional working class ladies, of course. And trust me, I can hang with the best of them when it comes to boozing it up. You and I would be like two peas in a pod. Burt and Ernie. Jordan and Pippen. Natalie Kenly and Rachel Oberlin (your godesses do look nice, like bookends). But to be honest, I don't make the brightest decisions when there are booze and women involved. Booze and sports, no problem. Those go hand in hand. While there might be four naked women in your living room, if you happen to mention, even in jest, that there are two more ladies at the top of those steps out back, I won't think twice to climb those and take a gander. I mean, eight boobies and four more makes an even dozen, right?

The problem here would be me getting down from those steps. I can almost guarantee you the trip down would be much, much faster than going up. I would end up landing on my head when I would miss the first step. With all the press you've been getting lately I know it wouldn't look good to have someone die on your property.

So again, thanks for the invite. Hit me up next time you're in town.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Horizon League Championship, Part 3

Fucking game is on Tuesday. My financial advisor advised me. I'm a dolt.

Horizon League Championship, Part 2

I've been looking forward to the Horizon League championship game all day. UW Milwaukee, Butler, should be a good matchup. My phone told me it would be on ESPN. It's not. Now I'm just steaming hot, not being able to watch the game. Even fired out a hot text to my financial advisor, like he could do anything about it. Fuck Sprint. Fuck ESPN. Stick it in my ass.

Horizon League Championship

UW Milwaukee, the wonderful college I graduated from, is hosting Butler tonight in the Horizon League championship game. I almost made it to Saturday's game but my dinner plans ran late (to put it nicely). The only problem here is that it's a 8:00 game. On a Sunday. Really? I have eight hours to kill before tip off. It's not like a 8:00 game on a week night where I'll get home, lift weights and crack open the first beer at 6:30. No, it's noon and the Milwaukee's Best Light is already beckoning to me. Hopefully I'll be able to at least catch some of the game and see the Panthers punch their ticket for the Big Dance.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Malibu Rum Punch

I don't know if the Malibu Rum Punch gave me the hangover or the 20+ beers I had last night but it's 2:00 pm and my head's still throbbing.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Milwaukee's Best

My favorite/cheapest beer that I can find in the quantities that satisfy my soul just went up 8%. I know gas prices have gone up more than that lately but to be honest, this 8% increase will hit my wallet harder.

Probably best that I don't drive that much.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

How Could You?

Some guy, a shelter worker, put two shots in this stray dog only to find it alive the next day. Gut wrenching story, check it out on Yahoo!.com.

One Would Think...

...with one 30 pack in the fridge on a Wednesday night, I'd be able to span that out over two days. Till payday, like most Americans.

Not the case. 21 down on Wednesday meant I had to pick up a twelver on the way home tonight. So goes my life.

3/3/2011 FOX Sports Most Popular Stories

1. Report: Davies dismissed for having sex.

2. Player on hoops team stabbed to death; roommate charged.

Is the end of the world around the corner or what?

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

BYU Honor Code

BYU's honor code requires students to live a life of chaste and virtuous life, be honest, abstain from alcoholic beverages, tabacco, tea, coffee and subastance abuse, and attend church regularly.

I wouldn't last one week there.

But our soon to be college basketball player of the year, Jimmer Fredett, isn't getting his jimmer jammered every other night...

Just un-American.

Carson Palmer, $80 Mil

Carson Palmer, Cincinnati's quarterback: "I have $80 million in the bank. I don't have to play football for money."

He's 31 years old and has played professionally for 9 years. And he doesn't want to play for the team that he's under contract for the next three years at $11.5, $13, and $14 mil.

I'm 33 and I've worked professionally for 13 years and don't have anything near $1 million, let alone $80 million.

If you don't think there's going to be an NFL lockout you're greatly mistaken.