Friday, July 31, 2009

And the Brewers Are Losing

Who needs fucking Twitter?

Still Up

Wow, still up after a full day of drinking, 11:00 and the Brew Crew are tied 7-7 in the 6th, 11:00, pretty drained.

Vacation Day

I took today off. Just needed some time out of the office. Still woke up early, 9:00. Now I'm on the hunt for beer and food. Already got the porn taken care of. Phone should be downloading for the next two hours. Really fucking difficult to whack off with a half hard penis. Got the job done though. You all really needed to know that, right?

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Sober Driver

So there's this party on Saturday, around downtown Milwaukee, and 40-year-old gave me a look of dismay when I told her there was no way in hell that I'd be her sober driver. She honestly thought I'd be up for that. Obviously she doesn't know me that well yet. Sober Saturday, two words that just don't go well together.

Mike Vick

Does anyone really believe that Michael Vick worked even one day at that $10 an hour construction job he had lined up?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

On the Hunt

So there’s this new girl at work. I shouldn’t say she’s a girl, she’s pretty close to 40. A very young 40 I might add. She jogs, bikes, and plays softball. She kind of took a liking to me the second day she was on the job, stopping by my office to see if I wanted to go outside for “fresh air.”

Knowing that she was in training on Monday and Tuesday, and knowing the training probably wasn’t all that exciting, I made a poem for her. “It’s training, it’s boring, the older one is snoring.” To which I got this response:

40: You poem was very sweet, even though you’re making fun of me again.

I pick on people, make them laugh, that’s what I do. That's my schtick.

Me: I’ll try to be nicer. I should realize women have delicate egos and might not be able to take a ribbing (even though Adam gave up a rib to make Eve).

Had to get the Biblical reference in there since she doesn’t believe in God. Being a God fearing person I should try to convince her otherwise but that really isn’t my style. For some people that would be like convincing them to send in money to their financial advisor that they can’t touch till they’re 60 knowing quite well they won’t see the age of 60.

40: That was the least Adam could do, considering he really wanted to get some sex. Personally, I think he should have given up the rib, cooked her supper, drawn a bath, then given her a full body massage. Are you hungry? What time do you eat supper?

Whoa, hold up there! Did she just put the s-e-x word in a work email? I don’t care what kind of context it’s in, that’s just a big no-no. That would be like me emailing the FA with the words “backdate” or “insider info” to his work email. You just don’t do that kind of stuff.

And what’s with the “Do you want to have dinner?” questions without coming out and actually saying it?

Me: Tuesdays are usually busy, get home, let the puppy out, lift weights, and around 6:30 about six of my “friends” come over and we make tacos. More like acquaintances. I don’t think I’d really choose to hang out with them, they just kind of show up. And drink my beverages. Of course we make the women make the tacos. Gentlemen we are.

Taco Tuesdays mean rotten ass Wednesdays. Happens every time.

40: Well, have fun with that. If you leave at 5, stop over and I’ll walk out with you. After everything that went on in my deranged mind today—(so I could stay awake)—I should probably be embarrassed to talk to you!, but I had to do what I had to do, and I think I owe you a thanks! J

I said she was at a boring training during the day. She called her friend and asked what she could do to make it less boring. Her friend told her to think about sex. After she relayed this story to me I asked if I was any good – to which she immediately blushed, smiled, and nodded. I must be like a sex God in the eyes of women. In reality I don’t think I even remember how to do it. That’s why I have 18 hours of porn on my cell phone.

But what’s with the “I owe you a thanks”? What, was I supposed to get a kiss after work or something? I mean, this is work, it’s not like going out the back door of high school and making out (which I never did, late bloomer).

Another co-worker said she had the hots for me. And I heard she was asking around for my cell number. Why not just ask me? Being pursued by a 40-year-old co-worker is not something that I saw coming.

Can't say I don't mind it, though.


I know all the baseball people are statistic freaks, but who comes up with a fucked up looking graph like this one? Ever see the dates decrease as you go to the right?

Monday, July 27, 2009

R.J. Swindle

Other teams are looking at trading for Roy Halladay. The Brewers brought R.J. Swindle up from the minors. Would you have confidence in your team with that mug on the mound?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Video Footage

I have hidden video footage of the Renter doing her hair and ironing her clothes - in the nude! This footage will go to the highest bidder as I'm not posting this on Youtube and miss out on the big pay day. Contact me with your best offer.


This has been my favorite post in recent memory. Not only did the Renter become quite angry (to put it lightly), but she never recognized the whole Erin Andrews connection! And the fact that I've never seen her iron anything (at all) should have clued her in that there really isn't any video. Very worth while post!

Friday, July 24, 2009


Fucking St. Loius Cardinals got Matt Holliday for a steal. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don't know how the Brewers are going to get ahead of them in the standings.

Shocking Tell-All

Shocking Tell All
It has come to that point. I have to admit that I have a problem If only I could pinpoint exactly what that problem is. Let’s see if you can help me out here.

Wednesday night was like most others. I got home around 6:00 and tossed some weights around in the basement for 20 minutes before I was interrupted by the Slovack. He had bought a new trailer and was hauling wood around in it but he had filled it too full so I helped him unload it. No big deal. After that we went on like we usually do, popping beers, watching TV and whatnot. Eventually the Renter’s friend, my old roommate, and the kid down the block showed up and around 9:30 the Renter hooked her laptop to the TV and we watched Stepbrothers. So I ended up going to bed around 11:30, not too late on a “school night.”

3:30 I woke up. It was pitch black in my room. I have both blinds and curtains so it gets really dark in there. Mind you I wear contacts but I’ve never owned glasses so if I wake up at night I can’t see too well. I woke up and I had to pee like you wouldn’t believe.

Wouldn’t you fucking know it but I couldn’t find my bedroom door. I should say my bedroom doorway as the door was open. I searched everywhere for the light switch. This went on for a good two minutes. Eventually the need to pee became too great. Dejected, defeated, and disgusted I just let it out.

The Renter swooped in and turned the light on when she heard the sound of water running. She found me standing in the corner, underwear on, just peeing away. “This is all your fault!” I yelled, knowing full well it wasn’t her fault but I had to blame somebody (other than myself). And of course I couldn’t just pinch it off. I peed a lot. I went to the bathroom, cleaned up, and went back to bed. The Renter came back with her camera and asked if she could take a picture to which I replied, “Fuck off!” and slammed the door. Just embarrassing.

I had to wash pretty much everything that was on the floor in my room and on my bed. The hardwood floors ensured that each item on the floor received its fair share. I tossed the sheets in the washer first (they needed it anyway, probably the second time they’ve been washed in 18 months). Next was the pillow top mattress covering. Two, comforters, a blanket, the evidence (underwear), and other miscellaneous “damp” items were last to get washed. I mopped the floor. I guess when urine dries it gets a little sticky.

I now have a new night light, one that doesn’t eat up a bunch of energy but is bright enough that I can see if I wake up.

What if I had had a lady friend over? What kind of impression would that have left? Good God, I’m 32 and this kind of shit shouldn’t be happening.

My “internet buddy” Jason Mulgrew once said that when he wakes up without any underwear on it means he peed himself. I know the feeling, buddy.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Night Light Is Going Back On

Enough said. You don't want to know.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Twang of Taco

Last night we had what's now become a weekly event, Taco Tuesday. The Renter made it up about a month ago. I thought it was a bunch of crap at first. She and her friend went out and bought all the supplies on a night that I went to mom's house for dinner. "You ruined dinner for everyone!" Whatever, just because I didn't want to participate in something which I knew was going to end up costing me something in the future doesn't mean I ruined it for everyone. I can decline to take part in it. But then I got a whiff of the tacos. They smelled good as hell. I don't know what the Renter and her friend did to make them, can't be too tough if the Renter cand do it, but it turns out awesome every week. I already put in my $20 for next week.

But I'm paying for it today. Last night I ate too much and felt bloated to the point where I couldn't drink any more (tragic). Today I fart in regular 10 minute intervals and each one has a bit more twang of taco smell than the last. I think today may be the day when I actually shit myself at work.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Electric Bill

Remember the rope light the Renter picked up so I could leave it on at night and be able to find my way out of my bedroom at night? Well, I figured something wad up when I'd touch it in the morning and it would be warm. In case you didn't know, any electrical device that generates heat also is using/wasting a lot of energy. Well, I got my most recent electrical bill and it was $30 higher than the last one. Granted their were a couple warm days in there where I had to turn the A/C on but that wouldn't cause such a big swing. Is it worth $1 a night to find my way out of my room? Mid-life crisis: leave the light on and pay for it on the bill or turn it off and possibly pee myself when I can't find the door. Looks like I'll go back to pissing myself. Oh, hey, any kinky ladies out there? I'm sure I could satisfy somebody's weird fantasies without altering my daily life.

UPDATE!!! After Snoop in CA asked if I really was that cheap, the answer would be no. I'm a numbers guy. Usually the bill is $70 so the $30 extra is a 42% increase. Are you going to tell me people aren't going to bitch and complain when they buy gas for $2.40 on day and $3.41 the next? That's a 42% increase.

Also keep in mind that not everything on this blog is true. I only peed myself once (lie).

Oh, and on the cheap part, I had my friends rolling a week ago. I had made chicken legs/thighs and had skinned them so they wouldn't flame up on the grill. Well, after a couple days the skins started to smell. That's an understatement; the whole kitchen stunk. My friend asked why I hadn't taken the garbage out yet. I told him the bag wasn't full yet. Can't go and waste a garbage bag just because it stinks a little.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Brookfield's Greatest Ponzi Scheme...

Oh, the FA. You all know him or have heard of him. You know that guy who’s always quick to point out his new waterfall or new home theater in his basement? Yeah, well some magazine decided they were going to honor a bunch of financial advisors and God knows why or how but the FA ended up being mentioned under the heading of “Celebrating the Greatest Ponzi Scheme in Waukesha County!” I don’t know how he got nominated. If they had called me I might have given him a 7.5 on his blowjobs but I don’t think the 13% returns he got me before this whole “I decided to stop paying my mortgage” crisis happened would really earn him this nomination. (Really, before all this crap started happening I was getting 12%-14% nearly every year, making me wonder about the Ponzi scheme. Oh, and I fucked up, I would have given the FA’s wife a 7.5, the FA was only a 4.) In reality he does a good job but they didn’t have to stroke his ego to make it even bigger than it is. I haven’t seen him this high since he got that penis enlargement surgery a couple years back.

Being the good financial advisor that he is he held a dinner get-together for his clients in celebration of this honor. He reserved a room at a rather nice Italian restaurant in Waukesha and had a never ending table of fine Italian food for his guests. More importantly he had a quarter barrel of beer and free wine for the ladies. I don’t know who won the race, the Renter with a plate of food or me with two beers in my hands. It was a close tie. They even had two big screen TVs in the room on which the FA had the Brewers game playing (a much needed infusion of baseball after the All Star break). I was bound and determined to finish off the barrel. Then Renter knew the rules; we weren’t leaving till there wasn’t any beer left. And boy did I make a good effort. The party wrapped up around 8:00. The Renter and I carried four beers out to the bar to watch the last of the game and the FA brought out a full pitcher. 9:00 came, the game was over, the barrel wasn’t empty but yours truly was done. Hardcore slamming for three hours pretty much did me in.

This morning I woke up with a swollen ankle. Apparently after the Renter and I left the restaurant we hit Walmart in hopes of getting a new fire pit for the deck. I remember the Renter making abrupt turns in Walmart and me bumping into her.

Today I’m visibly limping but I have a container with about 30 mozzarella sticks in it.

Congratulations, FA, oh, and that $5k check for the Roth is in the mail (fifth time I've told him this).

Friday, July 17, 2009

Swinging for the Fence

You can't tell me that, even with a driver the same size as his mellon, that Sir Charles is going to make contact with the ball.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Mail Call

Renter: Why did you open the wedding invitation?

Me: Because it had my name on it.

Renter: What was the color of the inside of the envelope?


Me: I don't know, the outside was brown.

Renter: Don't open up my mail!

The inside of an envelope?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


My buddy the Slovack displaying his great catch.

Gone Fishing

Last Saturday I went on a little fishing trip with Mr. Slovack and the Renter. Oh, and we took the puppy along, too. The morning started out rough as I was still feeling it from the night before. Eventually I made up my mind and the Slovack showed up around noon, boat and trailer all hooked up.

We made our way about 30 minutes west with a stop at the Bait Shop (fishing licenses) and at some tavern on the way (Slovack was hoping someone he knew was working). Around 1:00 we finally got the boat in the water. After five minutes of trying to get the motor started, with numerous people watching us, the Slovack finally got it going and we were off – minus one little detail. The puppy didn’t like the sound of the motor or something and decided to bail only to find out the dock which used to be right next to the boat was no longer there. Sploosh, six inches under she went! I reached down and scooped her up with one arm and got my own lake water bath as she shook most of it off right at my feet. Ten minutes in to the excursion and I already had a shivering puppy.

The Slovack started out across the lake with him driving and the Renter and I sitting slightly behind him. This didn’t work too well with our fat asses so far back and the nose of the boat was pointing skyward so I moved up to the front to level everything out, holding the puppy for a little extra weight (eight pounds). The Slovack decided to show off his 50 hp motor and within no time we were flying around the lake with me trying to keep both myself and the puppy from getting bumped off. Eventually he settled it down and the poles came out.

After having my pole in the water for five minutes I had multiple nibbles, an encouraging sign. Little did I know that those would be the only nibbles I’d get for the remaining six hours. That kind of put a damper on the whole fishing thing but it was still fun being out in the boat with numerous pontoon boats floating by with chicks in bikinis. I had a cooler full of ice cold beer so I was set.

When it came time to get the boat out of the water the Renter and I got out in order to lighten the load. As the Slovack was making his attempt to center it on the trailer I decided to give him a helping hand and guide it in from the dock. With my toes over the edge and hand on the boat I almost had it perfectly lined up – till I lost my balance. Even though it was only two feet deep I subconsciously made the decision that I was going for the boat. I jumped landing with my beltline on the edge of the boat. My feet dangled in the air as I tried to get the rest of my body on the boat. Needless to say there were again numerous people there to observe and chuckle. I managed to get back on and the Slovack hit the trailer dead on with his second attempt.

I should have just gone in the water. Sunday I had bruises on my hips and arms. One of the anchor hooks wound up precariously close to my man goods. The black and blue mark on my right hip sends searing pain through my body with less than ten pounds of pressure (puppy weight).

No bluegills, just black and blue.

Monday, July 13, 2009

HR Derby

How come you don't see any broken bats during the home run derby?

Friday, July 10, 2009


Donte Stallworth got out of jail today. Who's gonna bust out the Petrone with me?

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Above the Law

Donte’ Stallworth:
“I seen him in the street and I flashed my lights at him to let him at least know I was coming. I tried to swerve over as much as I could. If he would have completely stopped and not kept going… don’t know why he kept going.” If you had time to flash your lights you certainly had time to put your foot on the break. Just because someone is jaywalking in front of your Bently doesn’t give your arrogant ass the right to hit them.

Fellow teammate Braylon Edwards was at the club with Stallworth. Edwards’ tab: $3,443. Stallworth’s tab: $465. Edwards spent $695 on Grey Goose vodka. Last time I checked you could buy a bottle for $30 at your local convenience store. Who the fuck drops that kind of cash on alcohol in a club? Mr. Goodell, those would be your boys.

Oh, and hard to believe, Stallworth also tested positive for marijuana. After Mr. Goodell colors in his latest application of Just For Men (he should buy stock in that company if he hasn’t already) he should go out and buy a new set of shoes because I don’t think he’ll be able to retrieve the one that he sticks up Donte’s ass.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Little Guy

How this little guy ended up in my three foot high garbage container I'll never know, but he's free now, in the neighbor's yard of course.

Stocking Up For the Fourth

I think I might have overdone it a bit, but you first have to understand how things work around here. While all my friends have cell phones, I rarely get phone calls, or texts for that matter. Nope, my friends, if it's nice outside, they know I'll be outside on the deck. And they know for damn sure that I'll have ice cold beer in the cooler. So they just drop by whenever knowing they're always welcome. Well, this morning I went out and stocked up. I found 30-packs of Natural Light for $12 so I picked up four of those. I also got five frozen pizzas, 20 hot dogs, hamburger meat, chicken legs/thighs (.99 a pound!), and all the complementary condements. The total bill for everything was $107. Having not officially invited anyone over I think I might have to make some phone calls because there's no way I can eat all that food by myself. The beer, sure, if not this weekend then next (couple of days). And for some reason the Renter flipped out on me a couple days ago so who knows what her status is.

I will say one thing though. My friendly Habib who calls me "boss" and enables me in my drinking ways to the tune of $14.50 a 30-pack won't be seeing me for a while. Sorry, buddy, but Pick N Save is $2.50 cheaper and when I'm giving out beers to my low life friends they are going to be the cheapest thing available.

Friers Off

Why would my favorite bartender turn the deep friers off at 10:45? Could have used some chicken wings.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Puppy Paw...

On my leg as we sit outside.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

J.R. Smith

The proud owner of this pose is going to jail for 30 days for running a stop sign and killing his friend. I think he should get another 30 just for this idiotic gesture.