Friday, May 30, 2008

Memorial Day Drunk Fest

Memorial Day weekend turned out to be pretty nice weather-wise. We haven’t seen temperatures in the 60’s for quite some time now so when the it got up close to 80 you know where I was: sitting on the deck with a cooler full of beer. Ah, it was fucking awesome.

I ended up buying an 18-pack of Milwaukee’s Best Light on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. The guy at the liquor store gave me the same greeting each time but in the back of his mind I knew what he was thinking: this boy likes to party. That is, if drinking outside while you watch the Brewer’s game is considered partying then yes, I can party with the best of them. Oh, did I mention that I was partying by myself? One person stopped over for a bit but he doesn’t drink; all that beer was mine, MINE, MINE!

Actually, now that I look back on it, it wasn’t all that exciting of a weekend. I had a lot of beer, cooked $24 worth of ribs (needed a shower after eating those), made some burgers, hung out at the bar for a little. It was pretty low key. From what I remember at least.

After a good Saturday and a decent Sunday, the weekend culminated in an awesome Monday. I already told you that I bought 18 cans on Monday but I didn’t mention the 6-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. At 12:30 it was already in the low-mid 70’s and the sun was out in full force. After I grabbed the 18-pack I continued to browse through their selection and decided on the lemonade. Nothing like a nice cold lemonade on a warm summer day. Plus I figured I could get the Renter to try one – and maybe pee on herself again. Hey, I had to give it a shot.

The lemonades were gone by 2:00. I got the Renter to taste one but that was it. The Brewers started at 12:30 and I tuned in during the second inning. Did I mention it was sunny? By the time the 11th inning rolled around (with the Brewers winning) I was a crispy critter. I had defined tan lines on my shoulders from my tank top and literally no movement other than my hand lifting a beer can to my mouth. Normally I tan pretty well but this was the first time my tender skin has seen this summer. I was red.

I was late to work on Tuesday. As I rolled over on my shoulder to turn off the alarm clock I knew I was in for trouble. I tried my best to hop in the shower but I just couldn’t do it; my shoulders screamed with pain no matter how hot or cold the water was. I ended up sticking just my head in the shower to wash my hair. All that sweat and odor from sitting out in the sun all day Monday; yeah, that went to work with me. I tried three shirts on before I found one that was somewhat bearable.

I’ll be more careful next time.

Yeah, right.

(Side note: I got a picture mail from one of my buddy’s on Monday. He had taken a photo of his big turd in the toilet and wanted to share it with me. He was pretty proud of it. “That’s what happens when you’ve been at a Memorial Day cookout all afternoon. And to think that was my second shit of the day!” Glad to see I’m wearing off on somebody.)

Joakim Noah Smokes Weed!

Seriously, none of you saw this coming from the 9th pick in last year’s NBA draft?

But it’s good to know that his dad has been very supportive.
On Wednesday, Noah's father said he didn't understand the fuss being made about his son's arrest.

"I don't understand all that fuss for just drinking a beer on the street," Yannick Noah said Tuesday at the French Open.

Joakim Noah could face up to six months in jail and a $500 fine for the marijuana charge.

"I talk to him every day on the phone," said Yannick Noah, who was at Roland Garros on Tuesday for the dedication of a walkway named after him. "He'll soon come over to France to see me."

Just a suggestion here, Joakim, a little helpful hint if you will: don’t take weed with you on the plane. I’m sure your admitted drug user father will have some waiting for you in France. You don’t want to raise any more “fuss” with the local authorities.

But I’ve heard carrying Snakes on a Plane is now legal!!!


These kids are what wedgies are all about.

Thursday, May 29, 2008


Brewers could be at .500 with a win today (1:05 ET).

Monday, May 26, 2008


It's Memorial Day, sitting on the deck in sunny 77 degre weather watching the Brewers game. Shoulders are getting red and the ice in the cooler is melting fast. Umps made a shitty call on a non-home run but we're up by one in the 11th. All in all a good day off so far.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Clown Porn

I found it while I was looking for regular porn for my phone this morning. Oh, and if any of you know a good site or two for cell phone porn, please help a brother out.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Charle's Barkley Quote

Noting on TNT that he'd read heavy drinking is unhealthy, he concluded he needed to stop reading.

O.J. Mayo

I heard the Heat might be looking at O.J. Mayo with the number two pick. What a waste. I haven't seen a single highlight clip of him where he's more than 24 inches off the ground. He just can't fucking elevate, like he's related to Larry Bird or something.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Bitch Ass Hoe

Some bitch ass punk 19-year-old from South Carolina won Saturday's $35 mil Powerball drawing. Like he won't be broke in 10 years.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


When I heard that Jessica Alba was pregnant, fuck, man was I depressed. But now that she's married... Yeah, I'm a sick fucker. Wouldn't be the first married broad I've boned.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Two Things I Noticed Tonight

Tashaun Prince can't find the weight room at the Piston's facility. Tila Tequila looks like E.T. Shows you what I watch at night.

Brett & His Typewriter

I added a new link over there on the right, Brett & His Typewriter. The guy's pretty fucking funny.

(Just to give props where props are due, I found it on Swandad's blog.)

Recent Yahoo! Personals Sightings

The first chick is pretty cute, nice smile, nice hair...
...but the bitch is fucking 6'1"! Holy fucking amazon woman!
The next chick I only note because she listed her figure as "slim." Dream on, fatty.
And then there's the girl that LOL was coined after - Lips Of Love.

But she had two kids; obviously not putting those lips of love to good use. Just swollow, honey, pretty sure you won't get preggers that way.


Did you get a chance to see the picture of the guy who got speared with a javelin at a high school meet? The guy took the picture himself.

You Just Gotta Love This Ad

Update #1 to The Beer Drinker’s Guide to Weightlifting

Occasionally I’ll put updates to The Beer Drinker’s Guide to Weightlifting on here as I stumble across new methods/exercises that I feel are helpful to your average weightlifter. Recently I literally did stumble upon a new system that has proven beneficial.

Actually, I didn’t stumble, the Brewers stumbled. They’ve lost 12 of their last 16 games as of this post. I’ve watched them struggle at the plate and at the mound. It’s been pretty depressing.

I know I’ve told you that you shouldn’t read the paper at the gym but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been reading up on the Brewers in between sets trying to figure out what’s wrong with them. While I’m certainly not a baseball expert I have learned a lot just by studying the papers and the player’s performances. Reading the paper makes you lose track of time and you end up getting in less sets and more resting time in between sets. And you know what? I’m pushing a lot more weight now.

Don’t jump the gun on me now and say, “of course you’ll be able to do more weight if you rest longer between sets.” This, my friends, is obvious. Resting four minutes instead of two minutes will result in fresher muscles allowing you to do more. Any boxer given an extra two minutes in between rounds would have a huge advantage over his opponent, especially in the latter rounds. I’m sure you’d all agree with me on this one.

I’ve been doing this for three weeks now. Even if I don’t read the paper in the gym I’ll force myself to wait three and a half to four minutes between sets. While you have that obvious initial gain by waiting an extra two minutes when you first start (vs. what you could do with less rest), I’ve also noticed a big increase going from week to week in what I’ve been able to do. I’ve increased pretty much every “big” movement (bench, pull-downs, shoulder press) by at least ten pounds with the same number of reps. Hell, I’ve been doing weight that I haven’t done in seven years. Even though you’re getting in fewer sets you’ll still feel the same ache the next day as if you did double the number of sets. Instead of playing around with less weight after a quick rest you’re handling more weight after more rest. More weight somehow or another equates to more muscle (I think I read that somewhere). You don’t see skinny guys in the weight room with 245 pounds over their chest.

Something else you don’t see too often in the gym…

Taco Bell and Fifth Meal

I had to write the following to Taco Bell today. I was not happy.

Dear Taco Bell,

I know you advertise your late meals as fourth meal, and let me tell you, I love fourth meal. Your steak teqitos along with ample sour cream are just to die for at midnight after a good night of drinking. But you see, fourth meal just isn’t enough for me. I also enjoy fifth meal, an extra menu item that’s designated for consumption in the morning (if you bastards market that I’d better be getting a cut). I personally don’t like the teqitoes nuked in the morning. I prefer the standard bean burrito. It heats up well in the microwave and tastes just like it would have the previous night.

I didn’t get a bean burrito last night. I ordered a bean burrito, but I didn’t get one.

I realized this at midnight on Sunday. There was no way my roommate would take my intoxicated ass back to your store to get the bean burrito that was listed on the receipt. Instead I angrily stuffed the receipt in my wallet so I would remember to write to you today.

This morning I sat at my desk and stared at my computer while my stomach desperately ached for a bean burrito. I told it in the kindest words possible that there wouldn’t be a bean burrito this morning but it didn’t take it too well. I tried some week-old carrots and celery but that didn’t do it. Eventually I had to break down and get a slice of pizza from the creepy cafeteria woman. Greasy pizza vs. bean burrito = bean burrito with a knockout in the first round. I went to the gym during lunch and burped up pizza sauce the whole time. I almost puked a couple of times.

I’m sure there’s some way we can amicably work this out. I’m not looking for bean burritos for life or anything, but for all my trouble I figure one a day for ten years might do it. If that doesn’t work for you we might have to take this case to litigation.

Awe, fuck it, who wants to go to court. I suppose we can settle out of court for a coupon (or two) for a free bean burrito. What do you say?

Friday, May 16, 2008

Live Feed!

We are currently broadcasting live from B to the...'s deck on this lovely afternoon!

At least that's what it feels like. Fuck, five (now six) posts in one day? How does he do it? Not that any of them were all that spectacular but still... Guess I'm just making up for a week of non-posting. Ain't much been hapnin' 'round these parts to be bloggin' about. But since I cracked open my first beer at 1:00 tooday I'm sure I'll have some good stories later. Milwaukee's Best Light, nothin' but the good stuff.


Even though it was almost a week ago I still feel the need to tell you what I did last Saturday. For some reason I got up kind of early (9:00) and decided to mow the lawn for the first time this year. Since I was already outside I pulled the Jeep out and gave it a good wash. I took the dog over to the parent's house to play with their dogs and grab some free food. I went home knowing the Brewers were playing at 3:30. A bout of "ghetto fabulous" hit me and I decided to route the cable wire in the basement over to the kitchen by the window. After a few curse words and a little sweat I had everything set to put the Renter's TV on the kitchen table facing the window. 3:30 came and I was sitting outside watching the game. Feeling a sence of accomplishment (after about two hours of actual work - hey, that's a lot for me) I filled up the cooler with beer and made some chicken legs. My neighbor Mr. Fudd came over and we sat outside watching the game till it got too cold to sit outside. Beer count at 6:00 - 12. I went up to the bar to watch the end of the game and had two pitchers there. Add another 8 on to the beer count. The Renter came up with a good idea (doesn't happen too often): we should get a fire pit for the deck so we could sit outside and not freeze our asses off. It was still before 9:00 (cut off time for beer sales) so we raced to the closest store and picked up a twelver of Leiny's Red (I know that's not how you spell Leiny's but right now I'm too lazy to look it up). Then it was off to the greatest store ever, Wal-Mart! We found a nice looking fire pit with a stone outer ring (table-ish) and carried the heavy fucker out to her car. We found out that Saturn Ion's don't have much trunk space. We had to take the thing out of the box right there in the parking lot just to get it to fit in her back seat. Once we got it home the Renter had to assemble it as I wasn't in too good of shape by then. Got it all set up, threw some spare spindles from the deck in it and we had a fire in no time. I turned on the TV in the window and watched some basketball as the fire kept me warm. Wait, I should say I think I watched some basketball, I'm not exactly sure what was on the tube.

I woke up on Sunday and observed the train wreck on the deck. There sitting next to my chair were 8 empty bottles of Leiny's. The total beer count for the day: 28.

Why do I max out my Roth IRA every year when the chances of ever seeing that money is beyond me.

(Speaking of which, FA, the check's in the mail. Well, not yet, but it will be.)

Don't Be Fooled

The maps on Microsoft's Virtual Earth (off the msn home page) are more than two years old. I built the deck on the house in June of 2006 and it doesn't show up on their page. Trust me, you'd see it if it was on there. It's more than half the size of my house.

(I'd put the map on here but I don't want any creepoes or psycho women coming over who just want to use me for sex.)

The Proper Way to Ask for Time Off

Do you mind if I take a personal day tomorrow? I heard its supposed to be nice out and the little puppy said she wanted to spend some time with me.

It worked. Here's Molly sitting on the deck with me. It's not as nice out as I thought it was going to be but hey, I'm not at work.

In Case You Thought I Was Kidding...

...about never doing dishes again...

Deadly Combination

An under-ager who you know puts out.

(That's Brittany Spears' kid sister if you didn't know. Those hooters are only 15 years old but damn they look lovely.)

Thursday, May 15, 2008


I've offically written off any guy who doesn't weigh 200 lbs. Meathead supream.

You might be able to tell that I wrote that after five pitchers of beer using my cell phone. "Supream." I know I deal mostly with numbers but fuck, learn how to spell white boy.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Get the Kitty

I had taught my parent's dogs to "get the kitty" meaning their cat. They'd run over and snarl at the cat but wouldn't hurt it, just make a lot of noise. Today the cat was hissing at Molly. One of the dogs took offence to this. Dogs gotta stick together, right? The more aggressive one latched it's canines right on the cat's ass. The cat shrieked, the dogs snarled, and I laughed my ass off as my sister grabbed the cat and cried as she carried it into another room. Usually the cat wins the fights. Seeing jaws clamped on it's ass was quite surprising. I'm sure the cat thought the same thing!

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Weird Walk to City Hall

I had to walk to City Hall for a job related thing. Here’s what happened on the way there.

Guy who was obviously homeless: “Can I just get a puff on your cigarette?”


“Ah, no, sorry guy.”

I saw a huge ass crane on a floating barge that they were using for construction on a bridge. They had a little tug boat on one side to keep it in place on the river. Didn’t look all that safe to me.

At City Hall I met three people that I used to work with. I set up an evening chicken wing outing with one who called yet another old coworker to meet us up.

On the trip back I think someone was yelling my first and last name at me. I turned, didn’t recognize him, waved and continued on. Should have stopped to see who it was but I had to get back to work.

I was approached by another person on the street.

“Can I ask you a question?”

I stopped. “Sure.”

“I want to eat all the hamburgers that I can because people like me when I’m full. Could you give me a dollar?”

“Sorry, I left all my money at the office.”

All the hamburgers he could eat, hmm…

A little while later a guy from the gym rolled down his window. “You know those cigarettes will kill you.”

Yeah, thanks buddy. I’ll take note of that.

20 steps later I found a penny on the ground. That along with the dime I found earlier makes me $.11 richer! Gotta start making those retirement plans. The FA’s office will give me a harassing phone call when my next check comes in $xxx.11.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Phone Porn

I've offically whacked off to porn I found while browsing the internet on my phone. Even though the pictures were really small they produced some big results. This whole "mobile blogging" thing is pretty cool and easy. While I'm not going to be belting out super long posts from my phone I do get to keep in touch with ya'll without firing up the computer.


That's what time in the morning I got back from the Dells after the Renter decided that we had to leave there shortly after midnight. I should have known after my dad asked if I'd be needing a ride home again. Greg asked if I had been eating stupid sandwiches when I told him we were taking one car. Guess I should have learned after the first trip.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Renter Ain't Talking To Me...

Monday night, leaving the Dells tomorrow. We'll see if I get a ride home.

Tim Legler

Tim said the Knicks need a coach who can win 35 games next year and get them in the playoffs the next year. Yeah, I don't think so. As that famous Colts coach once ranted, "Playoffs? Playoffs!"

Sunday, May 04, 2008


I'm in the Dells, 50 bucks on my bar bill after less than two hours. I'm going to come ahead on this deal.

Out of Town

I'm going to the Dells this Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. $100 a night, indoor water park, all you can eat and all you can drink. I'll be coming back fat and happy (if my ride doesn't decide to leave me there again).

Saturday, May 03, 2008

It's not a Tum...

Um, ok, I guess it is.

If I can make fun of myself for crapping my pants at my kid sister's high school graduation while I as "chatting" (putting the moves on) one of her high school friends I can make fun of anyone, or anything for that matter, without any bad feelings.