Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Reason for the Previous Post

Yep, that'd be me sitting on a Harley Davidson last summer. I started looking at the Sportster model but those weren't nearly big enough for me. The one in the picture is a Hard Tail, a bit bigger than the Sportster. I fell in love with a different Hard Tail that had a lower seat and felt stretched out a bit, enough room for my monkey-like arms (but check out that tricep definition!). The sticker price was $13,000 and they were knocking off $2,000 because it was a 2007 model. I've thought about this long and hard since then. I've checked the credit cards hoping for a 4% balance transfer till paid off offer but it seems those are history. I currently have about $4,500 under one of those deals but at such a low rate I'm not in any hurry to pay it off. you'd think the stock market would beat 4% after everything that's happened lately. I'd love to get a bike, could probably get one pretty cheap now, but for as much as I haggle with my budget spreadsheet (which includes every payment I've made since 2003), I can't bring myself to add on a big ticket item like a motorcycle. Maybe that will be my 35th birthday present to myself, three long years away.

I sure do look happy sitting on that Hog, don't I?


I was browsing around on my various credit card websites when I decided to add up the total that these companies think that I'm good for. $99,000 even. Don't you think that's odd? With odd credit limits of $14,300 and $19,700 and the like the total came to a grand under $100k. Not that I would ever need that much or would ever allow myself to get that deep into debt, but still. I think Mr. Obama (or one of his minions) has his finger squarely placed over that little button with my face on it.

Monday, June 29, 2009


I recently bought an 8 gb memory card for my cell phone. I now have 13 hours of porn available on my phone and it's only 45% full. How fucking sweet is that? (literally!) It's actually more like 11.5 hours of quality stuff; the one that has to be from the 80's doesn't have a clean poon in it and all the dudes are sporting mustaches.

Saturday, June 27, 2009


Went out and bought this 4ft wide pool today for $5. Originally I thought Puppy would like it on hot days but she detests water. So now I use it. Kind of like my own personal testicle cooler.

Should have gotten the bigger, deeper one for $10.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Child's Play

After starting the evening/afternoon festivities at 1:00, you can imagine that by 8:00 I was pretty much done. As I headed to my bedroom door the Renter cranked the volume on the stereo. This is the kind of childish behavior I've had to put up with lately.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Professional Beer Taster

How much does that job pay?

Afternoon Off

I've had a lot of little things that have been grinding my beans lately so I decided to take the afternoon off and take in the Brewers game on the deck. I won't get into the bean grinding shit, just not worth complaining about. But as you can see from the pictures its nice and sunny out today. Actually, its been hot as fuck lately. We've seen 94 and humid as a rain forest (if there are still any of those in existence). Even though I have the A/C on inside Puppy and I are outside catching some rays. You can see in the one photo I have the box fan on the deck with the mister hooked up to the nose in front of it which provides a little relief from the heat. Quite ghetto, I know, but still better than sitting inside. And the Brewers just walked a guy with the bases loaded. Gotta get back to the game. Later.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Ed McMahon, RIP

Classic example of why this country is crumbling. Just last year Mr. McMahon was having problems paying the mortgage on his $5 million house. Gee, wonder why, the guy just died today at the age of 86. How many 86-yr-olds can you name that can afford that kind of living? He and his wife should have sold it years ago and lived off the proceeds in a modest house. But who the fuck am I to judge...

Rough Time in Prison

I hope this guy gets his ass beat on a daily basis for killing a 77-year-old candy store owner.

Lauren found her dream laptop. Find the PC that's right for you.

Saturday, June 20, 2009


I saved my beer cans for a year, went to so ghetto ass place to turn them in, and got $27 for them. While loading them in the Renter's car I thought I had a drinking problem. I guess I don't drink enough.

The Weatherman Was Right

Beautiful Saturday, gotta be 80 with just a couple clouds in the sky. My "tweet" for the day.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Rope Light

The Renter went out and bought me a rope light for my bedroom. She's currently lining my door frame with. Pictures to come.

If any ladies ask I'm going to tell them it's a sex light.

Something Ain't Right

If you read this blog you already know that something isn't right with me. Last night I took it to a whole new level.

You know those shows on HGTV where the people are remodeling their bedroom and they're wondering were to put the bed and couch and sitting chair? Well, my bedroom isn't that big, maybe 12x11. Lately I've had this problem finding my way out in the middle of the night. I don't know why (drunk) and I don't know how (no contacts) but some nights I just can't find the door. Last night was no different. After stumbling around for what seemed like two minutes I decided I was going to pee out the window. Don't ask me how I managed to push the curtains to the side, pull the blinds up and open the window when I couldn't even find the door but that's exactly what I did. After the flow had started I realized from the sprinkling of back splash that I had forgotten to open the screen window but by that time there was no stopping. I finished up, closed the window and went back to bed.

I'm going to have to get a night light one of these days.

If I lived in a NY apartment I'm sure I would have peed on someone on the street.

Summer Beverage

It was quite warm when I got home from work yesterday. I filled the cooler with beer and the puppy and I went out on the deck to chill. After looking at the cooler for a good fifteen minutes I decided that I'd rather have something different. I walked to the gas station and picked up two bottles of lemonade. Assuming I had at least a little vodka at the house I was pleasantly surprised to find an unopened 1.75 L bottle left over from last summer. The vodka and lemonade was the perfect combo given the setting. After the third one the Renter got up from her nap and came outside.

Renter: Is that all you're drinking is lemonade?

Me: No, I have the cooler filled with beer, too.

When I was almost done with the glass...

Me: I bought the expensive lemonade, supposed to be made with all natural ingredients. Wanna try it?

The Renter took a sip and promptly spit it out.

Renter: That isn't just lemonade! There's vodka in there!

Come on, seriously? Plain lemonade? Me?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Don't Bother

When you say B to the... looks like he had a bad day, and when you tell your friend B to the... doesn't change out of his work clothes when he's had a bad day, don't get mad at B to the... when he's not sociable while wearing his work clothes after 6:00 pm. You'd think, given the previous statements, you'd just leave me the fuck alone. And you certainly wouldn't smoke in the house without the fan on. Just common sense, or so you'd think. I love writing in the second person, makes me sound so important, like one of those asshole pro athletes or something.

Missing Out

Saturday Manny Parra gave up six runs in two innings. Sunday Trevor Hoffman failed to get the save in a 5-4 loss. Monday I did yard work and missed the game; curb appeal according to the Renter. What did the Brewers do? Nothing less than a come from behind 14-12 win against Cleveland! Fielder hit a grand slam (6 total RBI), Braun hit a homer and had 5 RBI, and the Brewers scored 6 runs in the eighth to get the win. And go figure, the game started at 6:00 and I got done with the yard work at 9:15 so I didn't even bother turning on the TV. With all those runs the game lasted almost four hours. I probably could have caught that eighth inning at 9:15. Crap.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Walking Downtown

On my trip to city hall this afternoon I noticed a lot of Chicago White Sox fans. Great, just what Milwaukee needs, a bunch of FIBS in town (fucking Illinois bastards). But maybe they aren't here for the inter league play; Pride Fest is going on this weekend, too. Hard to tell the difference between the two groups.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Drinking Through a Straw

I've never had a cavity in my life. I had braces when I was a kid and my wisdom teeth taken out while in college but other than that I've been fairly lucky as far as the pearly whites go. But then there was today: four fillings. I guess my gums had receded a bit and something needed to be fixed so they did the fillings. Four fillings and the usual check up ran me $600 because I don't take the dental insurance at work because the one and only dentist I've ever had is not on their approved list. $600!!! So here I sit on the deck and I can't feel my lower jar. As I sip my beer through a straw some ends up shooting out my mouth because I can't feel my lower lip. I mean, can you think of anything more tragic?


At the dentist's office, nervous as fuck.

I still don't get Twitter, just sounds lame to me.

Crunching Some Numbers

I’m not exactly sure how to go about this, but it’s been on my mind lately…

And not just because I got drunk and swam in the pool every day…

I’ve been looking at jobs and homes in Phoenix. More so the homes; looking for jobs just reminds me that I have to work for who knows how many more years. The homes in Phoenix seem to be priced very well. I found a couple 1,600 sq ft homes, with pools, for $125,000. Could you imagine coming home from work with the above in your backyard? I haven’t seen one yet that had property taxes over $2,000 (mine were $3,300 last year). That being said, if I could put 20% down ($25,000) I’d be paying $500 less a month than I am now and living in a city where they don’t see snow. Of course part of that $25,000 would come from the sale of my home and who knows what the fuck figure that would go for now-a-days – or how long it would take to sell. I did recently paint the kitchen and living room to spruce it up a bit. And the 16’x20’ deck my dad and I put on the back has to increase the home value. The other thing is I don’t know how much the $8,000 credit for new home buyers would play into everything. The one thing I do know is the December 1st deadline, not exactly all that far away. I am located pretty much as far west in Milwaukee as you can get and still be living in the actual city – great for cops and city employees who need to live in the city limits. Selling a house seems like it would be a big stressful ordeal.

I’m pretty sure the best way to do everything would be to find a job first, put the house on the market and get an apartment in Phoenix till the house sells. Unlike most of those nut cases out there who bought too much house, took on too big of a loan and all of a sudden can’t afford to pay their $7,000 mortgages, I could pay my modest mortgage and still afford an apartment. I can see if you lost your job or got injured or something, but I really don’t want to see those people on HG TV anymore whining about how fucked they are as they can’t sell their 3,500 sq ft home. Blow me.

Sorry, got off on a tangent there…

As if selling the house, in today’s market, doesn’t sound bad enough, finding a job, in today’s market, doesn’t sound much better. It’s especially hard when you have an interview and just want to be yourself but the fact is that nobody is their real self during an interview so you sound like a dumb ass neanderthal compared to all the straight-faced liars out there. My personality will win anyone over but my responses, while truthful, certainly won’t win me any brownie points. Might have to work on that lying thing…

(Even thinking about this shit is making me sweat.)

If any of you have any ideas or comments, feel free to post anything you’d like.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Greatest Ab Workout in the World

If you have a flat stomach you need not read this. Oh, and fuck you.

Go on vacation to a warm destination, some place that has lots of sun and either a beach or a pool. As you take off your shirt be mindful that many people are probably looking at you. Suck in your gut so it appears that you have a flat stomach. During the course of the day drink 30 beers while still keeping your abs tight. Repeat for six straight days. Surefire way to feel both the burn and the buzz.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

$5 Coffee

Rare case where I'd pay $5 for a coffee.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Big Fire

Biggest fire of the summer.

Renter Picture

The Renter was upset that I didn't post a picture of her in all my Arizona posts, so here it is.

Arizona Vacation, Finale

Every day in Phoenix was 95 without a cloud in the sky; couldn’t have asked for better weather. Surprisingly some of the guests who were there the previous week said it was cloudy and rainy. If it wasn’t for their pasty white skin I wouldn’t have believed them.

The last day, Friday, I sat in the shade looking at real estate guides the Renter had picked up. Now, I don’t know how the neighborhood system goes in Phoenix and the surrounding areas, but I found quite a few 2,000 sq ft homes for $170,000 or less, sometimes even as low as $135,000. Again, I don’t know the neighborhoods, the one for $135K was probably in crack cocaine alley. At least the women would be cheap there…

Again, it was hot and sunny on Friday. I left Milwaukee with a pretty decent tan from sitting outside watching the Brewer’s games from the TV in my kitchen window. However, when sitting outside on my deck I like to wear a tank top so my neighbors don’t have to witness the “beer holder” in all its pride and glory. (I lift weights, lots of weights, but I also drink beer, lots of beer. I figure if you do something well you should do it as often as possible – just my motto.) By Friday my shoulders and stomach were pretty red, the shoulders actually starting to peal a little. So I sat in the shade, read the USA Today, and browsed through all the housing guides. I had told the Renter that I’d sit in the sun with her but I just couldn’t take any more sun. Apparently she didn’t take this too well. I caught hell for sitting in the shade, calling my mom, and trying to post on the blog (I don’t think that one went through, though). If figured there’d be at least one blow up and was actually surprised she made it till Friday to get pissed about me for something. I know she sits awake at night thinking of stuff to start an argument. By Friday afternoon, when she had big spots of “skin” on her shoulders and chest that were in fact void of “skin”, only then did she wish that she had sat in the shade, too.

Friday night we ate at the main restaurant at the hotel. Now let me remind you I got a good deal on the hotel, $88 a night after taxes and all that crap. It normally goes for double that. The prices at the restaurant reflected, of course, the higher price. I saw, listed as an appetizer, something called mozzarella and tomato. After drinking all day I envisioned this as mozzarella sticks with some form of a tomato on the side. What I got was a couple slabs of mozzarella and a raw tomato. $10 I could have used to buy a gallon of lube for a whole year’s worth of self pleasure – gone. Ok, maybe just three months…

The previous night we ate at an Italian place that was supposed to be reasonably priced and very tasty. I was thinking something like the Olive Garden. I walked in, shorts and Brewer t-shirt, only to find people with shirts and ties and evening dresses on. I was drunk, I didn’t care. I ordered a clam appetizer that wouldn’t have even filled up my eight pound dog. Whatever I ordered for the main dish, I don’t even remember what it was, the menu made no mention of mushrooms or the fact that the entire plate would be covered in them. Before the waitress had left the table the Renter and I were swapping plates. She asked if she had made a mistake and we explained no, everything was ok and we’d just change plates, no big deal. I guess in Arizona “reasonably priced” means dinner for two for $70. I stuck my hand down my pants and rubbed it around a bit before shaking the concierge’s hand thanking him for suggesting the restaurant.

Saturday we left the hotel at 8:30 am, 10:30 according to the central time displayed on the Renter’s car. Funny thing is, I wasn’t even surprised when it read 12:30 and the Renter said she’d had enough of driving. We stopped and got a couple foot long subs, ate half, and continued on our way. I think we ate the second halves around 6:00. That was all I had to eat on Saturday besides some beef jerky. I drove till 2:00 in the morning. For those of you who still have trouble telling time, that’s 13 hours of driving. The Renter took over and by 5:00 in the morning she was complaining of being stiff and sore. Yeah, don’t ask me how the 13-to-3 driving ratio works out, just one of those things you have to deal with being a man I guess. I got her to stick it out till 6:00 and we stopped at a rest area. Now, mind you I didn’t sleep while she drove. Even if I had tried to the occasional – during every turn – steering wheel jerk to one side or the other would have certainly woken me up. Actually, during the last hour that she drove I found myself more tense than when I was driving and had to take some deep breathes and make a conscious effort to relax my shoulders and arms. I cleaned my contacts at the rest area and instead of taking a nap I decided to continue the trip. I stopped at a gas station for gas and some coffee and told the Renter to take a nap. She cleaned out the back seat and wasn’t heard from again for four hours. By the time she woke up I was going on 24 hours without sleep. I made it till 1:00 pm, just outside of Springfield, Illinois, when I couldn’t do it any more. My contacts were getting blurry from not taking them out and I think the lack of any real food drained me. The gps on my phone said there were 300 miles left, just over four hours of driving. By the time there were 200 miles left someone was flexing her hands and stretching her back. I know women are supposed to be the weaker sex but we’re talking about driving a car here. My 20 hours driving (in two sittings) compared to her 8 hours driving (in three sittings) means I drove 2.5 times more than she did (to this point, 3:00 pm Sunday). But I knew this point would happen so I was prepared. Sitting in the passenger seat I took off my shoes and socks, which by this point were also 2.5 times as smelly as they usually are. They stunk. They smelled up the whole car. I tried to hold a bottle of water between my heals and the bottle took on the same smell. The Renter threw my socks out the window and threatened to throw my shoes out, too. Don’t worry, I still have my shoes, and the Renter’s car still smells like feet.

(People, I should say women, always give me looks when I use the term “woman driver.” But I assure you there is such a thing. The knob next to us tried to merge over without looking. I could have reached out my hand and tapped on his window. “Was that my fault?” “Woman driver” will live on forever, trust me.)

Over the 30.5 hour trip I tried making mental notes to myself (about half of which I remember). The worst state by far was New Mexico. There’s nothing “new” about New Mexico. From what I saw from the interstate they should have named it “Where old cars go to die.” I saw cars, trucks, school buses, all rotting away in people’s back yards. And by back yard I mean the desert area surrounding what could only be called a shanty. I’m assuming they had electricity because I saw numerous satellite dishes but I’d bet the farm on no running water. Have you ever seen someone walking or riding a bike on the side of the freeway? Common practice in New Mexico. Even at night, which is kind of freaky because you’ll be driving along and all of a sudden your headlights will pick up some dude walking four feet off to the side. Illuminated in your headlights they look like zombies. Not cool for someone who doesn’t like dead people movies.

The second worst state was Missouri, especially so on the trip back. You go from the flat roads in New Mexico and Oklahoma where you have long stretches doing 70 mph without a hill in sight. Missouri is nothing but hills. I turned off the cruise control because the engine would try it’s hardest to keep pace but it was a losing battle. I didn’t speed at all on the trip except for Missouri and that was only to gain momentum at the bottom of a hill so I could make it to the top without losing too much speed. I had God on my side so I wasn’t too worried – they had to have had a church every five miles along the freeway.

Downtown St. Louis sucks, too. This time I was driving so we didn’t go skidding across multiple lanes of traffic sideways but it was still nerve wracking with their narrow lanes, six lanes of traffic, and 50 mph limit that nobody paid attention to. At least the Brewers are currently on top of the Cardinals and Mr. Juicehead Pujols.

Got back to Milwaukee about 5:30 pm. I unloaded the car and popped open a beer. I was able to sit outside and enjoy the weather for 30 minutes before I had to go in and get a sweatshirt. I had been pretty much topless for the previous six days so that was kind of depressing. Even worse, as we started to get hungry we found out the corner bar is now closed on Sundays for the summer. Double bummer. Nice welcome back to the real world.