Wednesday, August 26, 2009


This is my porn sanctuary. As you can see I have various forms of lubrication on the left and cleanup materials on the right. And now, with my recent purchase of a 20" monitor, well, I really don't want to get into detail about the amount of jingle jagging that will be taking place.

(Actually that's the Renter's computer, just putting a question of a doubt as to what I did on my third day of vacation!)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Garbage Man

I had my buddy the Slovack over this morning to pressure wash the deck. I was keeping puppy occupied while he was hosing everything down. Well, it was garbage day and the garbage man saw the Slovack with the washer.

Garbage man: Do you own this house?

Slovack: No, I'm just helping my friend out.

Garbage man: Well, do you think you could help him out, and us, and hose out his garbage container?

The Slovack just laughed and nodded. My garbage container smelled like hell and had maggots crawling in it. That's how we roll in the land of the rich and famous.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Four Days Off

This week I took Monday-Thursday off for the 3rd annual deck staining event. I know I could probably do it over a weekend but since I bought the house I've really only gone on one vacation so I have time off to take my time with the deck (and drink beer and watch baseball). I would have taken Friday off too but there's a meeting at work I have to attend. Most people like to spray the stain/sealer on but cheapo me likes to use a foam brush; less wasted stain that way. So it's going to take some time. Puppy will have highlights on her ears from sticking her head through the spindles. The thing that sucks more than the actual work is not being able to walk on it for a couple days once I do the bottom. I always save that for last. To all of you back at work looking at the calendar and seeing Friday all the way over at the right, well, I'm sorry. I've got 80 degree weather and three 30 packs of beer.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Comments on Jerseys?

Anybody ever check out or order from this website They have some cheap prices but being based out of China the shipping is a little steep. I'm looking at wearing the shirts next year, the Brewers are just too embarrassing this year.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Taco Tuesdays

My house ain't that big, but the whole thing smells like tacos.

Green Light

Air Force Captain 1, Air Force Captain 1, this is Ground Base Commander Smith, do you read me?

Ground Base Commander Smith, this is Air Force Captain 1, roger.

Air Force Captain 1, do you have Target #4 in sight?

Roger Ground Base Commander, Target #4 is in sight.

Air Force Captain 1, are your missiles armed and ready?

Roger Ground Base Commander. Are we sure we want to go through with this?

Air Force Captain 1, do you want this asshole to waver and pussy foot around all next offseason trying to decide if he wants to play more football?

Roger Ground Base Commander, Brett Favre’s plane is coming down, over.

And then he signs for two years. Don't be fooled thinking that he won't contemplate retirement next offseason.

3 to 4...

Doctor: How much do you smoke a day?

Me: Probably about a pack a day.

Doctor: How about alcohol?

Me: I'd say three to four.

Doctor: A week?

Me: No, three to four a day.

Doctor: Three to four a day? Really?

She probably would have shit herself had I told her the truth. What would she have said if I told her ten a day (which would still be lying)?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Gavelia Customer Support

11:52:47 AM B to the…
Initial Question/Comment: Please cancel my membership.

11:53:02 AM System
Martha - Gevalia Support has joined this session!

11:53:02 AM System
Connected with Martha - Gevalia Support

11:53:02 AM System
Welcome to the Gevalia Chat.

11:53:07 AM Martha - Gevalia Support
Thank you for contacting Gevalia. I am sorry to hear that you wish to cancel your account. I can help you with that. What part of the products or service is not meeting your needs?

11:53:29 AM B to the…
Coffee's too expensive, $6 for shipping sucks. I just want to cancel.

11:53:52 AM Martha - Gevalia Support
I'm sorry to hear that you wish to cancel and would like to let you know that we offer a wide variety of coffee and tea, all of which are 100% satisfaction guaranteed and since Gevalia is conveniently delivered directly to your home or business you save valuable time. You are also in complete control of your membership and can adjust the time between shipments to meet your needs. With this in mind, would you like to try another variety of coffee or tea or adjust the time between shipments?

11:54:26 AM B to the…
Ok, since you won't take no for an answer, how aoubt I quit drinking coffee and tea, switched to cigarettes and crack. I just want to cancel.

11:55:11 AM Martha - Gevalia Support
Your account has been canceled. Your account will remain on file. You may reactivate at anytime or place one-time orders. Your last shipment was sent on 8/5/2009. Did you receive that?

11:56:11 AM B to the…
Yes I did thank you. I traded it for a pack of smokes.

11:56:54 AM Martha - Gevalia Support
There is a balance of $0.00 on this account. Is there anything else I can help you with?

11:57:06 AM B to the…
Got any cigarettes?

Needless to say it's been canceled.

Doctor's Office.

Went to the doctor today for a routine check up (read: get my balls fondled for $10). She asked me what I was in for. I told her I went to the state fair and think I might have swine flu. Must have been original because she just sat and looked at me for ten seconds before I started laughing. Some people just don't have a sense of humor.

Wisconsin State Fair

I went on the last day of the fair. I think I spent $30 on $5 beers. At one point, after watching weirdo after weirdo walk past, I leaned over to the Slovack, "Kind of makes you and I look normal." That takes a lot.

On the walk home you would have found me doing summersaults in the front of an office building that had the lawn sprinklers on.


Saturday, August 15, 2009


The broad I took out for pizza was drilling me to go with her to Anne Taylor. She said she had some coupon where if you spend $150 you get half off. Well, this is what happens when I have coupins. $10 off with another $5 off and 15% off the top. The shoes weren't exactly what I was looking for but they're blue, haven't had a pair of Vans since high school, and the total came to $25. Good deal in my book. Plus they make me look younger (and more sexually capable in the eyes of the womens!).

Friday, August 14, 2009

Pizza, Girl, Date?

So I had a date last night. Nothing really fancy, just pizza after work at a nice restaurant. Thing is this person is eight years older than I am. Thing is this person is currently in the divorce process. Thing is I see this person five days a week (hint, hint). I don't think it's a really good idea. With the already listed detriments to having a (yuck) relationship there were the comments she made while at dinner. "You have a list of the women you've had sex with?" Well I did until she brought all this up, now I can't find it. No way in hell I could recreate that sucker. "Don't you think that's a lot of women?" Not enough if you ask me. "Is your thingy ok?" No, it fell off a couple years ago. "If you were dating someone is it ok to date other people?" Look, I'm lazy, keeping up with one broad at a time is quite enough for me. "So are we dating now?" No reply. "Can I bum a smoke, I just gave my last one to that homeless guy." So now it's like I just gave away some precious nicotine? I gave her a kiss at the end of the night, trying to not seem too eager to get in my car and drive off. "I thought we were supposed to make out?" Somebody had two expensive margaritas during dinner, I had Coke. And it wasn't like we were standing around the back corner of a high school (where I never actually got to make out with girls in cheerleader outfits). We were out in the open where people who know me could have seen. I gave her another kiss and drove off with happy thoughts of seeing the puppy and playing video games.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Tale of Two…

This morning I woke up and being a good dog owner I took the puppy out first thing. But I knew I had something coming too by the pain in my gut. As soon as the puppy finished her business I ran straight for the bathroom. In one swift move my rectum flushed out whatever was festering in there. I swear it took less than five seconds. That was it. I wiped, hopped in the shower and went on with my day.

11:30 (my usual time) I felt the need again. Fearing what happened in the morning I made my way to the bathroom at the first sign of a movement. Wouldn’t you know it, the second one left me sweating and panting. I had to push that sucker out with all my might. Usually when you have a shit like the first one the second one is exactly the same. Not today. The tale of two shits.

In other news…

I lost $50 on Friday. I don’t know how, I don’t know where, but stuff like that never happens to me. I was quite irritated for most of Saturday morning.

My workouts lately have been lacking, big time. I’ve been resting at least three minutes between each set, usually while I’m watching PTI/ESPN.

Flat dumbbell bench: 90 x 10

Flat barbell bench: 215 x 8

Incline dumbbell bench: 70 x 12

Chins: 230 x 7

Pullups: 230 x 7

Bentover row: 115 x 10

Dumbbell shoulder press: 70 x 7

Vertical row: 115 x 10

Overhead barbell tricep push: 105 x 9

Single arm overhead dumbbell: 35 x 12

Barbell curl: 105 x 10

Hammer curl: 45 x 10

Shoulder shrugs: 255 x 15


That’s it, no warm ups, no changing the weights at all, just sticking with that routine. Kind of pathetic.

I had plans to go fishing with the Slovack on Friday at 10:00 pm but backed out because it was raining. He wasn’t too happy. Made plans to go fishing on Sunday at 2:00 to get out on the lake early when the fish are biting. This is what the Renter told me because I don’t have any recollection: my alarm went off for 24 minutes without me waking up, the Renter banged two pots together and I still didn’t wake up, the Renter poured water on me and barely avoided a blow as I came out of my deep sleep swinging. So no, didn’t go fishing again. Lesson learned though: don’t try to wake up the sleeping bear at 2:00 in the morning.

Thursday, August 06, 2009


"I'm happy when they (the NFL) choose to guarantee their obligations."

I don't think I'd be smarting off like that to one Mr. Roger Goodell. Anyone really think Upshaw died of natural causes?

Short Sale in USA Today

Jorge DeMattos, 45, just completed the short sale on his home in Pembroke Pines, Fla. — a process he and his real estate agent, Edward Goldfarb, say took 17 months and eight separate offers.

DeMattos began pursuing a short sale after he was laid off two years ago and his income plunged from $46,000 to $26,000 a year.

Chase Bank, his mortgage servicer, rejected the first offer, which was $14,000 over what was then fair market value, according to Goldfarb.

On the next seven offers, the bank took months to respond. Each prospective buyer got tired of waiting and canceled the contract. The eighth offer, accepted in May, was $24,000 less than the first one that Chase rejected in February 2008, Goldfarb says.

"Chase made it very difficult. I had to stop paying the mortgage. It was so frustrating," says DeMattos, who now lives with his sister in Kissimmee, Fla. "We would put the paperwork in, and they would never give a definite answer. Buyers waited for months."

DeMattos says he owed $355,000 on his mortgage. The short-sale price was $225,000.

I actually know someone who works for Chase and even he says it’s fucked up there.

But really, does any of this make sense to you? How does someone making $46k a year get a loan for over $350,000? He said he owed $355,000 so his initial loan had to be for more than that. Just using that figure, that’s $2,000 a month not including taxes or homeowner’s insurance. As much as I hate taxes and tax forms, I actually spent a little time and figured out that with his $46k salary, $18,000 interest deduction, and Social Security payments, dude pulled in roughly $3,250 a month if he had his W-4 filled out properly with the correct number of deductions. If he claimed 0 it would be $2,880 a month. I figured property taxes on the lower amount, $225,000, would be roughly $5,000 a year and homeowner’s insurance at $500, making his total monthly payment $2,450. So 75% of his take home income is going to his mortgage? That’s freaking insane!!!

So who’s fault is it, this DeMattos asshole who borrowed more than he could afford or the asshole who gave him the loan?

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Stay Away

The first thing my co-worker, who's been out sick the past two days, said to me this morning was, "Stay away from me, I wasn't supposed to come in today." Have I mentioned I don't like bugs? That I don't like confined spaces? That I really don't like the doctor's office? Worst part is if I do get sick I doubt I'll get the teste feel up for a head cold.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Relationships (With Beer) and Bruise

I had last Friday off; just needed a day out of the office. After picking up beer and some ribs I started the “evening” festivities before noon. After making the food and popping open a couple (dozen) beers I decided I’d try to get a conversation going with the 40-year-old. I didn’t have to try too hard, she was more than willing to send me text after text – to the tune of 64 that day with the last one coming at 10:45 pm.

Saturday morning I woke up and realized what I had done. I had managed to score a date with her for 8:00 on Saturday night. She was even going to pick me up so I both wouldn’t have to drive or leave my car in her less than safe neighborhood. So when I woke up I instantly realized what I had done, and it wasn’t good. First there was the fear of the date. I really don’t date women. If they want to come over and get naked I’m all up for that but actually going out to dinner and having conversations (of which my side is all likes trying to get them back to my place and naked), man, I just don’t like doing it. I think the thing is that I’m good at the lying part, good at the getting them naked part, but all I’m doing is leading them on to think/feel something that really isn’t there. Second, she was picking me up. That would mean I wouldn’t be able to leave whenever I wanted to. This easily leads to a feeling of entrapment, something Mr. Claustrophobic here doesn’t handle well at all. And lastly, I’d have to stay somewhat sober till 8:00. On a Saturday. On a Saturday in the summer. That shit just doesn’t happen. I called her at 9:30 and suggested we change the whole arrangement for a weeknight. I wasn’t expecting such objectivity on her part. When we finished our conversation she was so dejected you’d think I had killed her kitty or something. I of course laughed it off and opened the first beer, well before 10:00.

That day I got another 15 texts from her, the first being “What, now you don’t want to talk to me?” when our last words were that she was going to call me when she got done with some stuff she had to do. Then there was “Ok, how about tonight we don’t go on a date. Instead just drink some beer and watch a movie like friends?” Uh, isn’t that a date? Plus all three of my issues are still there. Ten or so texts later and I was starting to think psycho woman. But then again I didn’t care, the beer was flowing.

Around 6:00 the Slovack came over and talked me in to going fishing with him in the morning… at 6:00 in the morning. So, imagine how boozed up I was to agree to that? I don’t get up at 6:00 in the morning for anything let alone to go fishing, which I really don’t like doing in the first place (touching live fish isn’t something I do well). I think one of the reasons I agreed to it was the Renter’s idea: get really fucked up, go to bed early and everything will be fine in the morning.

9:00 pm the Renter drove to a bar that makes their own pizza from scratch. “Pretend like you’re sober, pretend like you’re sober.” I can pretend to like someone to get some poon, but I sure as hell can’t act sober. I walked in ten feet and sat by the bathrooms facing the big screen. I gave the Renter $20 to get a beer and pizza. She wasn’t gone more than 30 seconds when I tried to adjust my bar stool back, pivoted on one of the back legs and went crashing down three and a half feet to the hardwood floors. Everyone in the bar looked at me with shocked faces. I got up, picked the stool up, waved to everyone saying “sorry” and sat back down. Not long later the Renter came back with the beer. I’m going to guess that only in Milwaukee can you walk into a bar, fall over on your stool within a minute of arriving and still get served a beverage. I have a big ass bruise on my side. But mission accomplished; by 10:00 I was in bed.

Go up early on Sunday and had to convince the Slovack that the puppy was going fishing. I wasn’t going to leave her in her kennel all day while she could have been sitting on the boat. She did well last time so there wasn’t really any reason why she couldn’t go. We got to the lake around 7:00. I hate to admit it but the Slovack was right; we caught most of the fish from then till 8:30 am and very few after that. We actually put a couple in front of puppy to let her sniff them and was surprised when she grabbed the first one and ran around the boat with it. Occasionally she’d get one and you’d hear this “crunch” which meant it was time to take the fish away and put it in the live well. When it got warm out the Renter tossed her in the water a couple times. Now, with the combination of the fish in her mouth and being submerged in the water, well, puppy don’t smell too good. She’ll be getting a bath tonight.

After it got warm out the bikinis came out too. Let’s just say my neck hurts a little today.

Puppy and I slept from 7:00 pm to 7:00 am. She must have been pooped, too.

Oh, and the 40-year-old had Monday off so I won’t have to see her till Tuesday. Just another 24 hours to figure out my excuse story. Wish me luck.