Monday, April 27, 2009

Plane Ticket in Hand

In Germany, Berlin's "Pussy Club" has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing "flat rate" -- a 70-euro ($90) admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.

"You've got to come up with creative solutions these days," said club manager Stefan, who requested his surname not be published. "We're feeling the economic crisis, too, even though business has fortunately been more or less okay for us so far.

"Our offer might sound like it's too good to be true, but it's real. You can eat as much as you want, drink as much as you want and have as much sex as you want."

I hope they serve chicken wings. That's one trip I'm definately going to come home fat and happy from.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Friday Afternoon

Had to take a little time off of work today as its 82 degrees and sunny as a mother fucker. On the deck, cooler full of beer, gotta take it when you can get it.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

NCAA Rules

If you can actually call something this slack a rule:
College hoops was rescued from a long talent drain when in 2005 the NBA enacted an age limit that prohibited American players, but not foreigners, from entering the draft until one year after their high school class graduated.
That has led to a push of young stars in college basketball for one year, even if their commitment to being a "student-athlete" is often dubious. To be eligible for a season, a kid needs to earn just two D's in the fall semester. He can fail, or not even show up for, every other class his freshman year and drop out immediately after the season.
I'd like to see Michael Beasly's and Kevin Durrant's report cards for their second (and last) semester in college.

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

NFL Draft

I'm officially protesting ESPN until after the NFL draft is over. Those mock drafts only mock the person watching them.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Jury Duty

I was selected for jury duty this Monday and Tuesday. They sent 27 of us up to one court where a guy was being charged with OWI. The judge asked all the jurors if they themselves or if someone in their family had been involved in an OWI incident. I raised my hand and the judge asked me to stand up. "Can you tell me more on what happened?"

"Sir, I was drunk and flipped my truck over in 2001."

"Do you consider that you have a drinking problem?"

"Yes Sir, I'm a recovering alcoholic."

"For how long?"

As I look at my watch, "Oh, about ten hours."

"Juror #25, you're dismissed."


I was watching Ron White's new show last night. Funniest joke, at least from my perspective, was: "I went out last night, fabulous restaurant, and had a couple too many beverages. And you know what? When I woke up the next morning someone had shit my pants. I don't know who did it but I know he eats a lot of corn."

I think that's happened to me too because I can't believe it was actually me shitting myself all those times.

Friday, April 17, 2009

The Elevator Door Opened...

Inside were twelve beautiful ladies of color (my favorite!!!). The elevator was small. I was surprised they all fit in there.

"As much as I'd love to squeeze in there with all you lovely ladies, I'm a bit claustrophobic so I'll just wait for the next one."

They all giggled and smiled as the doors closed. Afterward I kicked myself for passing up free titty rubs over the course of nine flights in the jostling elevator.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Just to keep you informed…

I’ve learned that when women say they are going to return something at the mall it really means they are going to return an item, exchange an item for a different size, and browse the entire store.

The Saturday before my birthday I had a list of things to do. I wanted to buy some weights, pick up a new TV and go to Walmart before the Final Four games started. I wanted to hit G’s bar for the games and his awesome chicken wings. Well, I was still feeling a bit out of it from the previous night (not hungover but still intoxicated). I decided on not getting the weights (who wants to carry 90lb dumbbells when they’re drunk?) and really wasn’t in the mood for Colder’s and the TV (I hate salespeople). The Renter drove out to the mall and I sat at the mall bar while she did her thing. Now I know Lane Bryant is a big store but who can spend an hour in there? By the time she got done I was getting a little buzzed up (had won a couple hundred at the casino so I had no problem paying $3 a glass for some nice tasty amber beer). To my surprise she was pissed at me. “My feet hurt. I’ve been walking around all over for the past hour. I’m not going anywhere till you go and get the car.” Like I’m gonna drive. Why she didn’t wear tennis shoes I have no idea. Eventually she got over whatever it was and we hit G’s bar. Just before the game started the FA showed up. A little while later the old roommate arrived. Then Mr. Fudd and his girlfriend. Then Shaky D. Then the Pollack. The Renter had gone in my phone and gotten numbers for all my friends and invited them over for a little birthday get-together. Then I understood why she was mad at me for not doing the other errands: I was getting pretty loopy by halftime of the first game. Birthday shots didn’t help anything either. All in all a good day though.

I actually shit my pants that day trying to fart. You’d think I would have grown out of that by now.

I got scolded by the corner bar’s manager for not having a birthday party that I didn’t know about at her bar.

I eventually did end up getting a 37” TV from Walmart for the outside window facing the deck. It fills up the window frame perfectly. Now if only the weather would cooperate and warm up so I could sit out there.

I paid the Renter $300 for her $500 credit at Colder’s (appliance, furniture, TV store). I sucked it up one night after work and picked up a 22” TV for my bedroom. Now I feel like a glutton. I have the 61” in the living room, the 37” for the deck, the Renter’s 20” tube TV in the basement by the weight room and the 22” sitting in the box in my bedroom. I don’t even have a cable outlet in my bedroom. Yet. Funny thing is if I’m in bed I more than likely won’t have my contacts in and won’t be able to see the TV anyway.

The new workout looks like this:

Day One

Flat dumbbell press – 90lbs x 10
Incline dumbbell press – 70lbs x 10
Flys – 30lb x 10 followed by presses till failure
Chin-ups – whatever I weigh ? x 8
Pull-ups – whatever I weight ? x 8
Dumbbell rows – 90lbs x 10

Day Two

Dumbbell shoulder presses – 70lbs x 8
Upright rows – 125lbs x 8
Overhead tricep raises – 95lbs x 10
Curling bar curls – 95lbs x 10
Shoulder shrugs – 90lbs x 40

I’ll do that for Monday and Tuesday and repeat it on Thursday and Friday. You wouldn’t think doing one set of everything would be enough but I’m sore for a good two days afterwards. After three weeks of using the 90lb dumbbells on the flat bench press I’ve gone from seven reps to ten. Must be doing something right.

Bank of B is sick of lending money and not getting paid back in a timely manner. I have two people who still owe me money for the NCAA pool and I’ve already paid out all the winners. Not that I need it, just the principle of it all.

I have the Renter benching 75 lbs ten times on the flat bench (barbell). The other day I think I actually saw a tricep. Great improvement.

I did someone’s taxes dating back to 2004. I don’t know how far back he will get reimbursed, but all five years came out to $3,400 for the fed and state combined. How much of that do you think I’ll see for all my time and effort? Probably the same as the NCAA people.

I broke down and bought a Playstation 2. They’re down to $100 brand new and I never really had a game station growing up besides the original Nintendo. I went to the used game place and picked up 15 games. Now I stay up till midnight playing Mortal Kombat. Last Friday I got up to the bar at 9:00 and people immediately asked why I was still sober. I now let a video games interfere with my drinking. That’s just fucked up.

I have more tidbits floating around in my head, just a matter of remembering them when they pop in there. Till that happens…

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Mets Opener

Was it just me or did Mike Piazza look totally gay when he caught the opening pitch from Tom Seaver?

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Is This What the World is Coming To?

From the Milwaukee Journal/Sentinal:

Danyell Johnson was sitting in his car in the 2300 block of N. 47th St. sending a text message to his girlfriend March 16 when a man with a pistol showed up demanding money, according to a criminal complaint.

Johnson, 30, handed over $400 and was shot repeatedly by the gunman who walked off, the complaint states.

Johnson began to yell for his mother when the gunman returned and asked, "Are you still alive?"

The gunman then fired two more shots.

Marques D. Roundtree, 25, of Milwaukee has been charged with armed robbery and attempted first degree intentional homicide in the attack on Johnson. If convicted, he faces up to 40 years in prison and a fine of up to $100,000 in connection with robbery; up to 60 years for the attempted murder.

I can't even comment on this horrific act. Feel free to leave your thoughts.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Pizza Hut Panormous

I was watching the NCAA final (boring) but couldn't help noticing the Pizza Hut ads showing their Panormous pizza for $10. When they first came out I think I was paying $18 for them; they're a steal at $10. But, as with all good things, if you eat too much of it you will be paying for it later. Especially if your stomach doesn't handle dairy products that well. I swear I spent half of today on the shitter.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Burress to Play?

Fox Sports poll today, will Plaxico Burress play in the NFL this season? 23,000 votes, 50% said yes, 50% said no. What the fuck are the "yes" people thinking? The guy's looking at 3.5 years in prison. My question would be if he will ever play again! He and Vick will be working construction together. (By the way, what idiot lawyer came up with the idea of a construction job that pays $10 an hour?)

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Basement Stairs

She was a big one. A heifer. Had to weigh a good 300 pounds. I took her in the basement hoping my mercy-fucking wouldn’t wake the Renter up. Actually, I’m not sure if I was doing the mercy-fucking or if she was; she was kind of cute from the neck up but God was she fat. There was just one problem: the basement steps. My basement steps take a right angle halfway down. I don’t know who built them but their construction is a bit shoddy. With every step she took the stairs creaked and groaned. Great, I thought, here I’m going to have some orca fall through my steps and I’m going to have some huge claim on my homeowners insurance. Was sex with this blimp-o really worth all that?

Actually, it was really just me carrying my new 90 lb dumbbells into the basement, one at a time of course. But those stairs certainly had me worried.