Saturday, March 29, 2008

Odds Of...

Anyone else find it a little odd that both the men's and women's basketball teams for Louisville and North Carolina are playing today in their respective tournaments? Reminds me of the time I had a $50 two-team parlay with Oregon beating Washington and in my haste picked Oregon State who was playing Washington State that same day. Oregon won, Oregon State didn't. Crap.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Jeff Healy

I don't know if you guys heard the news, but Jeff Healey of the Jeff Healey band (played in the movie Road House) died recently. Now, I won't lie to you, I had to look up pictures of Jeff Healey just to make sure he was the same person I was thinking of. Jeff lost his eyes at age one due to some rare form of cancer. He later had glass eyes fitted. Which makes me wonder, how did Jeff know where to look in this picture?

Obviously he wasn't pointed in the right direction on this next one, but talk about one fucking ugly kid standing next to him.

High School Hoes

Nothing like getting your high school newsletter and whacking off to the hot chicks all over again 13 years later.

Thank you, ladies.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Audrina Patridge

Did you see the nude photos of The Hills star - if that's what you want to call her - online yet? Check them out here. Just not while you're at work. And leave ample time for, ah, nude photo related activities.

I'll tell you, I haven't made love to a still frame photo in years (ok, months) but I made an exception for that second photo on the link.

Sunday, March 23, 2008


So that guy out in New York paid $4,300 to have sex with this chick. I know everything costs more out there (and the DC area), but $4,300? I could see maybe $430. I mean, she has some nice boobs but...

Nice boobs, nice stomach, what's up with the sunglasses?

Yes, you are a dirty girl.

Tired after a hard night of work?

Again, what's up with the shades?

A little shopping mall photo booth action? Stepping pretty low for a high priced hooker. Oh and hun, make sure you put on some makeup the next time you swing by.

Black and white, nice touch.

This one's just fucking creapy.

Kind of boring.

Looking up at me as she's on her knees...

Why so serious?

High school pictures. Mom and Dad must be proud honor student parents.

For $430 she better suck dick like Jenna Jameson and take it up the ass like she loves it.

For $4,300 she better get every one of my swimmers out and make me cum at least seven times (one better than my personal record, man that was a tough, lonely day).


If Peter Gammons refers to some guy's feet as "puppies" one more time I think I'm going to send him a pair of my socks after a tough day at work and let him smell my "puppies."

Friday, March 21, 2008

Opening Day

The doorbell rang once. I rolled over, figured whoever it was would give up and leave.

The doorbell rang again. Seriously, what the fuck? Nobody rings my doorbell. Whoever this person was they weren’t leaving. I got up, threw some jeans on and went to the door as it rang a third time.

“What the…”

It was the FA. He and I always take off from work the first day of the NCAA tournament. After a good night of drinking on Wednesday I had completely forgotten about the games. I got up, showered, and the FA and I were off.

The day started off a little rough. I told you I had a good Wednesday night. Yeah, I was still feeling it. But the 25 ounce taps of Miller Lite were only $3.75 and you got an entry form to win a plasma TV. I needed to get as many entry forms in that I could.

Throughout the day the FA and I had some stupid little bets for dollars. Like which team would make the next three pointer. How tall our waitress was (5’0”). Who had the bigger penis (I won that one by a landslide with our waitress being the judge). Everything was going pretty well, including the beer.

Just before the Marquette game (1:30) we moved to a different bar. We met one of the FA’s friends who had secured a big table right by the TV. This place had $2 16 ounce taps of Lite. Five of those and some chicken wings later and I was done. The game wasn’t over yet, the FA was waiting for food, but you know me, when it’s time to go, it’s time to go. Hell, even my speech was starting to go. One of the guys there was leaving too and he gave me a ride home. I was out like a light as soon as my head hit the pillow. I didn’t even go out to my corner bar that night.

So far today all I’ve done is watch basketball and re-hydrate myself – all while never taking my hand off my penis. Yeah baby, it’s fucking awesome.

Response to Comment

I recently got this comment on my nationally publicized guide on weightlifting:

Doesn't this individual know that too much alcohol decreases your production of testosterone? And the rest of you body will not grow, if you do not work out your legs. Your body grows in proportion to the rest of itself.

This individual is definitely overtraining.

Dude, did you not read the title? The Beer Drinkers Guide to Weightlifting. Do I know that too much alcohol decreases my production of testosterone? Hell, I don’t give a fuck! Did you see what came first in the title, beer or weightlifting? Duh, there was a fucking reason for that. I actually spent time thinking up that lame ass title. Fucking idiot. I just told my story of what works for me with my drinking lifestyle. Drinking 20 cans of beer every day will wreak havoc on your body (not to mention your family, relationships, sex life – thankfully I don’t have any of those). My weightlifting guide will at least help you out with keeping your body in shape.

Did the commentator not read that I don’t have an ACL in my left knee? It fucking hurts to go up stairs! What do you want me to do, squats with 135 lbs so I can tear some more cartilage in my knee and rack up another $20,000 hospital bill? (Ok, I only paid $1,200 of that, but still… That along with the incident in 2001 and my body is worth over $120,000! Ain’t worth two cents if you ask me.) That was with 135lbs. Women can do that.

But I will agree; it might be a bit of overtraining. Without having a good knee I feel the need to do more because I can’t go jogging (or even walk straight some days, but that might not be because of the knee). But I never go to the weight room intending to do chest when my chest is still sore from the previous workout. Hell, that’s just a good reason to not go to the weight room. Overtraining? Maybe a little. Not feeling guilty about undertraining? Nope. I’d rather feel good about myself than wonder if I should be doing more.

Oh, and I will be having the knee surgery soon to replace the ACL. And Mr. Commentator? I will be coming to test out the knee when I stick my foot up your ass.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Sitting on the Can

Have you ever left a bar so you could go home and sit on the can for 30 minutes playing games on your cell phone? What? No? Yeah, me neither.

Life is grand over here.

Drew Neitzel Again!

What did I tell you about Drew Neitzel? He always brings his "A" game against the Wisconsin Badgers. What did he do on Saturday in the Big Ten tournament? 26 points going 4-10 from the 3-point line as Michigan State lost by two to the Badgers. Good game, buddy, but I'm glad your team lost.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Fun Bags on the Loose

Me: They were looking pretty lively on the treadmill yesterday, kind of like they wanted to come out to play.

I can play nice and promise not to bite, er, fight.

40 yr-old: LOL

You crack me up…

You know what, I forgot to double up on my top layer like I usually do. Things did feel a bit different, Yikes! I’ll have to remember that.

Good thing I have a friend like you to tell it how it is...LOL

And where were you??? I didn’t even see you walk by…

Me: Sounds kind of creepy… I was standing off to the side by the door, just standing there watching. You did put on quite the show.

40 yr-old: (my head in my hands shaking…how embarrassing)

Me: Let's just say that someone else pointed you out. I wasn't the only one.

40 yr-old: WHO?

Me: They were starting to set up folding chairs where I was standing.


All I did were bench presses at the gym on Tuesday.














I'm freaking sore.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Smell What?

"Look how nice it is outside, 41 degrees, are you going jogging today?"

"I don't jog."

"You should open your windows up, get that fresh breeze."

Is it just a coincidence because it's nice out or because I'd been farting in my office all morning?

Monday, March 10, 2008

Oh, Loaded Weekend.

It got to the point where I had to drink early in order to get rid of the hangover.

Friday night I got wasted like usual, but with a twist. The Renter and I went out to the Super Wal-Mart out in West Bnd. Like a 30 minute drive. We rang up $270 in about 20 minutes and hit a local bowling ally. Finished a pitcher there, hit the road (Renter was driving of course), and made it home around 2:30.

Woke up the next morning with a raging hangover. The kind where your head, eyes, ears, fuck, your whole body hurts. The Renter said she was hungry and there’s a place out in New Berlin that has $.25 wings on Saturdays. Ended up playing two whole rounds of Golden Tee and never even ate the wings we ordered. But the three pitchers of Dos Equis Amber went down pretty well.

Stopped at Circuit City on the way home and picked up the wireless keyboard and mouse that I’m using as I type. Not bad, $35, think I just have to break the keyboard in a little. But when I get the audio/video cables to hook it up to the 61”, boy, we’ll be blogging BIG TIME then.

Went home and took a nap. The Renter woke me up around 9:00 because one of her co-workers was going to meet us at the bar. Rolled out of bed, threw water in the hair and walked up to the corner.

After my first pitcher I knew I was in trouble. I was still loaded. I couldn’t finish another pitcher. You know what happens when it comes to that point?

Rum and coke, buddy!

I had four, maybe five rum and cokes. I was annihilated. I didn’t go to the parent’s house on Sunday because I was too loaded. I left to “go play pool” (drink) at 1:00 to get rid of the headache. That’s where I sit right now, the Renter’s doing her makeup in the living room (what?) like usual, and I’m sitting here typing, waiting for my next beer.

Waiting sucks.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Three Weeks Off

As much as you’d like to and think you can, DON’T go back to the gym after having three weeks off and think you can do the same shit you were doing before. You will pay for it for a number of days afterwards.

And no, beating off like a mad man won’t keep your muscles in shape.

Tall Broad

Me: So, what’s up with the tall chick?

Her: Oh, she’s new. I think she moved here from out-of-state.

Me: She’s pretty cute for being an Amazon woman.

Her: Her name is [blank, blank], she’s in the system. Send her an email.

Me: Huh, I’ll think about it.


Me: So, is she cool?

Her: Yeah she’s cool. You should go talk to her.

Me: Ummm, nah, I can’t just go walk up and talk to her.

Her: Anyways, she’s seeing someone, but I wasn’t supposed to tell you.

Me: You talked about me with her?

Her: It was just casual chit chat.

Me: Me asking about the tall chick is casual chit chat?

Her: No, not really, but it was too juicy for me to not say anything.

Me: So she’s seeing someone but you weren’t supposed to tell me. Uh, didn’t you just tell me?

Her: Yeah. You never know. Maybe it isn’t anything serious. You should give it a couple months.

I haven’t hit it with someone over six feet tall since I was 23. Bending a chick over and having her genitals at the same height as yours makes it a lot easier. Roller skates aren’t necessary (but thank you, Stephanie, for trying it that one time).

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Gym Music

I was in the gym today doing my pull downs when this chick sat down directly across from me. At this point I had listened to three country songs but I was just too lazy to change the station. But now that she was there I had a good conversation starter.

Me: Hey, do you mind if I change the music?

Girl: Go for it. Country music doesn’t exactly motivate you to workout.

Me: Tell me about it. I’m about ready to fall asleep over here. I’m not sure what’s worse, country music or Christmas music. They had that on for a week straight two years ago. I don’t know if they did that this year or not. Instead of lifting weights I came down with a two-week spell of alcoholism.

Girl: Really? That’s so funny, the same thing happened to me!

Me: Lots of holiday cheers?

Girl: You got it! Hey, do you want to go to my dorm for a different kind of workout?

Me: Do you mean what I think you mean?

Girl: Uh, yeah, you know, sex?

Me: What, right now?

Girl: Ah, fuck it, you’re an idiot. You just missed your opportunity.

And she left the room with a weird look on her face…after I made my alcoholism joke.

Squeeze Those Cheeks

I was leaving the gym today when one of the guys opened the locker three away from mine. I’ve chatted with this guy in the past and he’s pretty funny. The thing is I don’t know if he was trying to be funny today.

(definition - “girlie machine” is the one where you sit down and either squeeze your legs together or spread them apart – only women use it)

Me: As I was leaving the big gym I saw you heading over to that girlie machine again.

Guy: Yeah, you got me, I was on it.

Me: I don’t think I’ve seen any other guy use it but you.

Guy: It’s really not as easy as it looks.

Me: Yeah, I could see myself not being able to walk for a couple days if I used it.

Guy: It really works you butt, like all over here (as he rubs his ass with both hands).


Realizing it sounded pretty gay and we were in the locker room…

Guy: I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not…

Me: Take care, buddy.

Retirement Thoughts on #4?

It pains me to hear people’s opinions about Brett Farve retiring when they don’t even watch the fucking games. Yeah, those were women’s opinions.

But seriously, Brett buddy, we all know you had one or two good years of football left in you and I’m pretty sure I have one or two good years of drinking left in me. Couldn’t you just stick it out with me so we could both go out together, hand in hand? Don’t you care about me? I mean, I know I have a little drinking problem, but guzzling beer during Packer games was fun and exciting when you were on the field. Now I’ll have a real reason to drink with Aaron Rogers behind center. What about your buddy Donald Driver? I’m sure he still has at least a couple good fingers left that you haven’t broken with your rifle passes.

So what do you say, Brett? Is this just some early April Fools joke? Please don’t go. Say it ain’t so.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Senior Day at Michigan State - Neitzel

Michigan State has been pretty darn good ever since Tom Izzo took over the coaching reigns. They always do pretty well in the tournament and, if my memory is correct, they won the whole thing back in the year 2000. I like Tom Izzo. It appears that he runs a clean program. And hell, he gave Marquette Tom Crean (thank you!).

I was watching the Indiana/Michigan State game on Sunday with Pops. Michigan State was absolutely killing the Hoosiers for most of the game. They were up by 30 for most of the second half. It was Senior Day, the last home game for Michigan State’s two seniors, and Izzo put them back on the floor with five minutes left. With three minutes left Drew Naymick, the school’s all-time leader in blocked shots, swatted one of Indiana’s shots into the stands. Izzo immediately took him out of the game to a standing ovation. On the way out Naymick even stopped at half court and kissed the Michigan State logo. They were showing him, his family, the fans, and everyone was all smiles. You couldn’t help but feel good for the guy. Their other senior, Drew Neitzel, was still on the floor.

Then the network switched to commercials.

The commercials continued for five minutes.

When they came back on the air they were showing the UCLA/Arizona game.

My dad and I looked at each other at the same time. “What about…?”

We didn’t get to see Drew Neitzel walk off the court at his last home game. We didn’t get to see the crowd cheer him as they did Naymick. We didn’t get to see him also stop at half court and kiss the logo. Nope, we were robbed.

Drew Neitzel always gave the Wisconsin Badgers a tough time. When the games were close and coming down to the wire Neitzel was the guy you didn’t want to have the ball (if you were a Badger fan). He isn’t an intimidating guy or anything standing 6’0” and 185 lbs, but he could shoot the shit out of the gym. His career three-point percentage is 40%. At the end of games, especially if they were down by three, I wouldn’t even look at the rest of the court. I kept my eye on Neitzel because I knew he was going to work his tail off to get open behind the three point line and set himself up for a shot. I had a lot of respect for the kid.

I wish I knew what network was carrying that game. I’d write in and bitch slap the punk ass biotch who switched us over to the UCLA game. I know the game was a blowout but you had to see the whole Senior Day/standing ovation thing coming after Naymick left the court. It was probably coming up pretty soon as Izzo wouldn’t want to chance Neitzel getting injured. But no, they had to take history away from us.

Oh, and you network execs: Midwesterners don’t give a fuck about the west coast. Putting the UCLA/Arizona game on just added insult to injury.

To Drew Neitzel: it was a pleasure watching you play even though you were nailing the Badgers with your deep threes. The hustle and determination you displayed is what makes college basketball great. I wish you luck in the Big Ten tournament and the NCAA's.

Do You Do Taxes?

Around this time of year whenever I tell someone that I’m an accountant the next words out of their mouth is, “Do you do taxes?” While I’m good with numbers and can find creative solutions to solve most mathematical problems, I really hate taxes. I do my own every year and even helped one lady out who hadn’t filed for five years (five years!) but I don’t like doing them. Signing my name on anything that goes to the Feds makes me nervous.

This past Saturday I sat down and crunched the numbers. I figured since my procrastinating ex-roommate had done his already it was time to do mine. I had all my paperwork spread out on the kitchen table with a pencil and calculator in hand. By the time it was all said and done I was getting back $1,400. Not exactly what I had expected but I’d take it none the less.

I went over to the parents’ house on Sunday. Dad had Tax Cut loaded on the computer so I decided I’d enter in my info just to see how close my calculations were.

They weren’t close.

I’m now getting back $2,999.

I’m now paying Dad $40 for the program.

I’m still grinning one day later and I don’t even have my penis in my hand.

I had failed to enter the state taxes paid on the federal form and I didn’t know that US Treasury Bond interest was not taxed in Wisconsin. The first one was just a stupid mistake but I never would have known about the second one.

I’m never doing my taxes again without the help of a tax program. I thought I could do it on my own and I certainly should have been able to, but I’ll never make that mistake again. You can fill up a lot of gas tanks with $1,600. And when I say “fill gas tanks” I mean have sex with weird, psycho, desperate women.