Friday, January 29, 2010

Something You Will Never Hear

"Is Kurt Warner really done? If be did come back who do you think he'd play for?"

Living in Wisconsin and retiring quarterbacks has jaded me.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Rumor Has It That...

...there are pictures of Greg Oden's 40 year old penis floating around out there on the interwebs.


Playing pool last night, same setup as above, and the guy I'm playing makes the eight in the side and "somehow" the one ball ends up moving to the rail. The only way the one moves straight to the rail is if he hit it first, which would be a foul in our BCA league. But of course our team captain was in the other building talking to the woman who drives his car even though they're not dating (captain? more like asstain) and the guy I'm playing is twice my age so I'm not going to give him shit. I just got fucked.

One of these days...

I can see it coming...


I've been told I'd fit in all too well.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Room Full Of...

I have a room in my house that is dedicated to Converse Chuck Taylor's and purses. Contrary to popular belief, neither of these are mine.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Shit’s Been A’Flying

Last week one of my friends brought a copy of People Magazine up to the bar (he gets it delivered to his house, and he says he’s not gay). This issue had the photos of Heidi Montag and her before and after having ten surgeries in one day procedure. I’ll admit, I drooled for a good 3(0) minutes. Then the Renter showed up. There was another article in there about some broad who weighed 126 pounds and people thought she was fat. I took one look at her picture and stated that yeah, for being 5’1” and in an issue of People Magazine, she certainly could lose a little weight. The chick had some thick arms on her. Then the Renter asked me if New Girl was thin. After looking at Heidi Montag I had to say no, New Girl was not thin in my eyes. Somehow that turned in to New Girl being fat which I totally did not say. That turned in to the Renter looking up this blog and reading off where I said I’d “brain fuck the New Girl but I wouldn’t get very far.” The extent of my relationship with women…

Anyway, the New Girl has been bringing some of her pretty hot friends up to the bar. One was a tall blonde who demanded the attention of the whole bar. I tried to blow her off a little but she caught my attention when she spread her legs with a short skirt on. Memorable conversation piece: So, do you have a boyfriend? Why do you ask, I thought you were taken?

I might as well go gay.

Another girl she brought up was pretty much my dream girl. Cute, nice smile, decent body, but the girl knew her sports. Instant woody. Of course that night I had the annoying Neighbor Boy sitting in between us so that made it a little hard to talk to her. And as it turned out she had a boyfriend anyway so yeah…

I might as well go gay.

I guess I pretty much assume that nobody reads this shit but apparently I have a follower in Michigan. My neighbor Mr. Fudd got a hysterical call the other day because his ex-girlfriend thought that he was the one making out with the much younger girl last week Saturday. Trust me, Mr. Fudd ain’t that lucky. I do have other neighbors, sweety.

Cute Pic

Cute pic for you. Sorry, that's all I've got. Been buzy.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Best Weight Loss Plan Ever

I mentioned before that I have just gotten over the flu for the third time in two and a half months. I know, that’s pretty hard to believe, three times in 75 days, but I’m not joking. The last bout was the worst. When I say that I was shitting 80 times a day I’m not lying. The margin of error on that number is probably 5. With the combination of not eating anything but saltine cracks and water and shitting that many times I have lost a good deal of weight. Even after fixing the shitting problem (thank you Imodium A-D!) I still didn’t have much of an appetite. The end result: I’ve lost a lot of weight.

I first noticed it in my waist. I can usually take the puppy around the block in my jeans without a belt on but now they just fall off me. I had to adjust my belt a notch smaller when I got ready for work today. I must have lost a lot because a couple of my co-workers mentioned it. So, yeh, cool, nothing wrong with losing some poundage around the waist region.

But then as the day went on I noticed something else. The short sleeved polo shirt (by far not the brand name, just the style) that I was wearing has a stretchy cuff at the bottom of the arms around the bicep area. This cuff used to be fairly snug against my arm. To my horror it was no longer snug. It wasn’t even close to being snug, more like two inches from being snug. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not like one of those goofs on The Jersey Shore who work out two hours a day and pose in the mirror another two hours. But I do check myself out for 20 seconds before I hop in the shower after a workout. I do glance in the mirror while playing pool to check out my arm definition. I like being bigger than the average guy. But now, ugh… Just a little depressing.

On a brighter note a hot female roughly ten years younger than I told me I was “cute” on Saturday. She actually said it twice because I wasn’t really expecting someone that hot and young to say that to me, unprovoked, as I walked past her. Of course at the end of the night she was making out with my much older neighbor but hey, I’m still cute. And last week while shooting pool one of the girls on the other team pointed at me and said, “he’s the hottest one.”

So you don’t have to feel too bad for me.

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Super Bowl Halftime

Nothing wrong with "The Who", but for the halftime show at the Super Bowl? Got me on that one.

Maybe Brittany Spears hasn't shaved her crotch in a while.

Runs/Wipes/General Misery

These past three days have been absolutely brutal for me. Somehow I came down with some form of the flu for the third time in three months. But this time it was worse than the others.

As far as work is concerned I think I’ve done my best to hang in there. All three times I’ve only missed two days while I know of other people in other offices who have taken a whole week off. I know I maybe shouldn’t have been at work with the possibility of getting other people sick but I hate missing work and when I did go back I was feeling much better than when I was ill. And even this past Thursday and Friday I still did work from home for an important meeting next week. That, my friends, was not easy. Besides being achy, weak, and downright tired, I was doing work on the edge of my couch hunched over my laptop with my back begging for a break. Not having a printer at home made matters even worse. But I got it done in time. Hopefully the boss man was happy.

The first two times I had flu-like symptoms I had the shivers and shakes on top of the general aches and lack of energy. This time I had the runs.

The Renter and I grabbed some food Wednesday night and I had a double order of my usual omelet. It was probably too much for me to eat on a regular basis but I got it all down. I got home around 11:00 and went to bed.

5:00 in the morning I felt a pain in my stomach. It was an odd pain, not gas, not cramps, but something I haven’t felt in a long time. I found my way to the bathroom, dropped my drawers, and proceeded to flush my bowels with little effort but yet much force. I figured that was why my stomach didn’t feel right. I was wrong. The pain started to creep up my esophagus. I grabbed the trashcan and hurled up the enormous amount of food I had just consumed. It wasn’t pretty. The food had little to no chance to digest. I filled the trashcan to the brim.

From 5:00 to 7:30 I woke up every 30 minutes to poop once again. By the time my alarm went off I felt like I had gotten little to no sleep. I figured, “Come on, suck it up, you can do this.” I took the puppy out and grabbed a bottle of water as I head back to my bedroom. That stayed in my system for 20 minutes. I puked all the water up in a clear, fine spray (which the cleaning lady is now complaining about). I had to call in to work.

All day Thursday I was on the can four times an hour. To make matters worse I didn’t have any toilet paper in the house, just Bounty paper towels. While I did get some work down, I also wore a whole in my asshole (or was that there already?). All Thursday night I was up running for the shitter. I was thankful I wasn’t puking any more but my ass was taking a beating. I didn’t eat anything on Thursday. There were absolutely no chunks in my poop.

Friday morning I had had enough. I normally don’t like taking pills besides maybe a couple Tylenol when I have a headache but I needed something to make this stop. I went on for the first time in my life. I first looked up stomach flu which led me to diarrhea. It said I should drink plenty of fluids to avoid dehydration. Well, fuck that, that’s all I did on Thursday and ended up shitting it all out. They said Imodium A-D would clear it all up. I emailed the Renter and she brought some home during lunch.

Within two hours I was cured.

Mr. “I don’t like taking pills” could have saved himself a roll of paper towels and a bright red sphincter had I only taken that stuff right away. Now I know. I won’t go through all that again.

I’m also getting a flu shot next year.

On another note, thank you Tiger Woods. His Gatorade Tiger – FOCUS sports drinks were on clearance at Walgreens. I have no problem cashing in on someone else’s demise.

Monday, January 04, 2010

No Bullets?

Does anyone else get why Agent Zero, after stating that he had unloaded guns in his locker, then got into an argument with his teammate during which he pointed the unloaded gun at him? Might as well had a spatula instead of an unloaded gun. Unless, of course, the gun was loaded.

Even their team pictures look like mug shots.

Friday, January 01, 2010

Christmas Weekend

Have you ever tried to put something into words but can’t quite get the words straight in your head? That’s exactly how I feel about my recent trip to the Wisconsin Dells. The amount of beer I had on said trip might have something to do with it. Just to list a couple things that happened:

- I went bowling. I haven’t gone bowling since I was in high school. Being right handed I had to plant on the ACL-less left knee. Somehow I only ended up on my ass (literally) just once. Must have made an impression on the staff; the next day they were all like, “Hey, you’re back!” It was like meeting them for the first time for me.

- I played on a sand filled shuffle board that had to have been 20 feet long. That turned out to be pretty fun.

- I went to the casino and won $500. Pretty much paid for the beer and food.

- I sat in the hot tub in the room exactly one time. What a waste of space.

- I ate food at the casino “deli.” The next day I had to shit twice while playing the same game of Golden Tee. God that stuff was bad.

- I swam at the hotel pool once but still managed to get the lifeguard to blow his whistle at me. What a trouble maker I am!

- One night, really, really drunk, I called the front desk and asked them if they had really small condoms. The lady at the front desk said she could check in the gift shop. “I need really, really small ones. Care to join me?” Click.

- I lost over a thousand dollars at the casino. I didn’t even want to go in the first place. And then after being down most the night I hit a hot streak to go up by $100 – only to lose it all. Fuck-ity-fuck-fuck.

- With my driving record a speeding ticket would look like a fly on the radar screen so in order to make it back for the Packers game I averaged 85 miles per hour. The speed limit is 65.