Friday, December 25, 2009

XMas Texts

If everyone would stop sending me "Merry Christmas!" texts I'd greatly appreciate it.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Staggering

Kind of missed the sidewalk last night.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

12/21 - 12/22

In the past two days that I've had off from work I've:

- Watched the show Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe for seven hours straight. While I am 100% straight I kind of have this bro-mance with Mike Rowe.

- I cried watching Cheaper by the Dozen. Not the first one but the second one. I didn't even know they made a second one.

- I cried watching Brooke Knows Best. Brooke and Hulk boated past their old house in Clearwater. Their dogs were barking from the dock but they couldn't pull in because of Hulk's divorce and all. Kind of hit home a little since I haven't seen my old dogs since my dad moved out.

- I've cranked my wank twice each day. With the Renter at work I've had a lot of alone free time. Redtube.com, THANK YOU!!!

- I've gotten really, really drunk. With not having to go in to work in the morning I've had an extra pitcher or two each night. Unfortunately not having the alarm clock on in the morning doesn't mean I'm still not up at 8:00. I swear the puppy has an internal clock and knows when it's time to get up. Sucks.

I know all you dedicated followers of this blog will be checking it for updates three times a day over the holidays so I'll try to put some good stuff on here. Peace.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

360

I don't mean to bash the guy, especially now that he's dead, but in a preseason interview Chris Henry said, "I've made a total 360 in my life." I'm not a geometry/physics freak, but I'm thinking a 360 brings you right back to where you started.

Tiger Ruining All Relationships

Chris Henry's domestic dispute, short, not so sweet, quick resolution.

Pumping Gas

"Elin Nordegren was recently photographed pumping gas without her wedding ring."

Elin doesn't pump her own gas. This was done on purpose to show she wasn't wearing her wedding ring. Rub it in why don't you.

I still think Jordan and Barkley are snickering, "Dude, you got caught man!"

I pump my own gas. With the single digit degrees we've had I'm getting about 11 mpg. Not exactly hybrid material. Oh, by the way, I pump my own gas, usually without the pinky ring on my finger.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Christmas Party

This whole pizza Christmas party and being mildly lactose intolerant thing is not agreeing with me, especially when I made sure I got my $10 worth. Uh...

Cops: Falcon's Babineaux Admitted Smoking Pot While Driving

Give this guy an Agent Gibbs slap on the back of the head. You keep your mouth shut! You can't admit to smoking weed and not receive a suspension. What the fuck, does he think this is the NBA?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I Usually Wouldn't Give a Shit But...

...this little fucker is cuter than all get up!

Monday, December 14, 2009

In Passing…

As I sit here and try to think of something to write about this past weekend, as usual, I’m drawing a blank. I suppose I could just write, “got drunk on Friday, got drunk on Saturday, and oh, I think I got drunk on Sunday.” That description would work for pretty much every weekend. Titillating writing to say the least.

On Saturday I woke up absolutely starving. I let the puppy out, got dressed and headed for the Mexican restaurant attached to my favorite sports bar. They have a pretty decent breakfast menu and I was pretty sure my friend from Brazil would be there. I ordered food and made small talk with people till my friend Book E. showed up with his girlfriend who was working that day. That’s when the “lines” came out. Not lines of cocaine, but something just as addicting: sports lines. We found the line for the Kentucky/Indian game and I took both Kentucky (winner) and the over (winner) with a $10 parlay thrown in there for good measure. I had a little on Memphis but they fell short (actually were losing at halftime to Arkansas-Little Rock?).

The Renter and I went to Best Buy for some stupid satellite radio that she wanted and I was pulling up scores in the computer department. Thinking of someone other than myself – doesn’t happen too often – I found a computer for $200 that should be perfect for my mom. Mind you I’m not giving it to her, but she’ll be happy enough that I picked it out and set it up for her.

On the way back from Best Buy we stopped at a friend’s bar and enjoyed chicken wings and a round of Golden Tee. Nothing too exciting going on there.

When my sports bar opened up I was pretty much going on fumes. I had been drinking for nine hours already with a one hour break. I had to one-up her since we tied our round of Golden Tee so I kicked her ass on the pool table. I noticed the Bucks were playing later and, after getting burned on an under earlier in the week, put a little cash on the over and needed two overtimes to get it over (whew!).

I woke up feeling like absolute shit on Sunday. I was actually contemplating not going to the bar and just staying home but at the last minute I summoned up the energy and headed out. The usual suspects and I enjoyed a Packer win over the hated Bears. For the afternoon games I had a suspicion that the Chargers would somehow beat the Cowboys and threw a little cash on them (winner). Somehow I managed to stay awake for the end of that game but I was pretty much down for the count. My friend Book E. told me the line for the Eagles/Giants game was a 43 and I dumped everything I had won for the week on the over. It was over the total by halftime.

Reading this you’d think I knew what I was doing just a little bit as far as this lines go. Forgive me if I failed to mention my 0-7 record from last weekend.

When I got home I was still hungry and those Pizza Hut ads they’ve been running did their trick. I chilled out on the couch with the puppy waiting for the pizza man to show up. The Renter decided that this was a good time for me to help her with her homework. After reading her assignment, loaded mind you, I had absolutely no clue what they were asking for. Thankfully the pizza man arrived and I had an excuse to get out of the homework.

I know I’m somewhat lactose intolerant but Pizza Hut pizza gets me every time. I always get the pan style pepperoni. I woke up Monday morning with the worst gas I’ve had in a long time. I was stinking up my bedroom like you wouldn’t believe. If you know me and I say it was bad, well, it’s pretty bad.

Stepping into the elevator going in to work I thought it would be a great gag to leave one in the tight enclosed space. I figured there wouldn’t be anyone waiting to use the elevator on my floor and most people would have been going up from the parking structure at that time.

I let one slide.

I was wrong about someone not being there.

It was the maintenance man. I wasn’t getting out of this one. I mumbled “sorry” and stepped out of the elevator. As I turned the corner and he walked in the elevator I heard him say, “Holy crap!” I turned around to see him jump out of the elevator and head for the stairs. I hope I don’t have to see him anytime soon.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Interesting

It's always interesting when I wake up and don't have any underwear on. Did I get laid last night? More than likely I peed myself. You know your life is going well when something happens and those are the only two options to explain it.

Friday, December 11, 2009

What is Darlene From Milwaukee Trying to Convey?

A little too racy/professional for a Yahoo! Personals ad, don't you think? I'd tend to believe its bogus.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Funny Headline

Found on FOX Sports:

Could Tiger do Oprah?

Yeh, yeh, do her!!!

40 Minutes

The afternoon radio guy, Gasman, found some report that said single guys watch 40 minutes of porn every week. He thought that was a really high figure and asked the listeners for their input. My response:

Oh good Lord. I have 18 hours of porn just on my cell phone. That 40 minute mark is way low.

To which he responded:

I'm surprised you're not blind by now!!! Thanks for listening...and the people from Jergens Hand Lotion say thanks for keeping their stock so high!!!

Yes, I regularly share my inner thoughts with dj's I've never met.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Standing in Line

If you knew me this wouldn't be so hard to believe. In my bedroom I have a clean clothes pile and a dirty clothes pile. When I do a load of laundry I'll pull out my work clothes and hang them up but everything else ends up in a pile in the corner. I don't fold or sort anything. So when I wake up in the morning and get ready for work guess what determines what I'm going to wear? Matching socks. If I find two tan socks I'll wear my tan pants. Two blue socks means the blue pants. Oh, and I've been late for work before because I couldn't find any matching socks. So on Saturday, armed with my $10 off coupon at Kohls, I set out in search of dress socks.

I don't shop much. If I do need something I'm usually in and out in a jiffy. What I didn't anticipate were all the Christmas shoppers. Tons of Christmas shoppers. I had to weave my way in and out of families, strollers, and hopelessly slow old people. Eventually I found the socks I wanted.

The line for the checkout was 30 deep. I contemplated ditching the socks and walking out. Instead I stuck it out and waited in line, didn't want to waste the $10 coupon. Fortunately the line didn't take too long.

The Renter wants to go to Best Buy for a satalite radio. I owe her a Christmas gift for the watch she bought me three months ago. That will be the last time I go shopping till the end of the year. If I run out of deoderant I'll be smelling like lillies as I'll steal the Renter's deoderant once again.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Ashley Dupre Talks Instead of Fucks

"Here you have all these girls accepting gifts, money, trips from Tiger in exchange for sex - all the while knowing he is married. And now they all can't wait to tell their stories in exchange for even more money from the tabloids. And I was the hooker? At least I kept my mouth shut."

So how did we find out Mr. Spitzer liked to do it with his socks on?

And what's up with that cleavage?

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Hard To Believe

Which of the following is harder to believe in the Tiger Woods saga?

Jaimee Grubbs said they had sex about 20 times and that Woods frequently complained that his life is overwhelming.

Or...

While Woods is one of the world's richest athletes, he often lamented that he wasn't as financially stable as he wanted to be.

Wnat?

Is that vagina hair from the Renter?