Saturday, January 31, 2009

Financial Advisor Text Messages

Oh, and I did not edit any of this in any way.


Bench Results:

Warm up (135)

Am I ready to hang with "B to the..."?

B to the...

Why do you try to embarrass yourself?


Sad thing is that I think these above normal results are due to:

1.) Extra 10-15 pds on my frame that I didn't have when I was benching more 5 yrs ago.


2.) Aggression from not getting laid! Wife and I both passed out (tired+drinking) l.nite b4 I got any and was going to try this morn when baby monitor went off!

So, the old saying that marriage kills your sex life may or may not be completely true. My opinion, based on the FA's input, is that booze, kids, and a small penis is what really kills your sex life.

Poor FA's wife.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

What, No B-Ball?

Wednesday, Jan 28, and there aren't any basketball games on ESPN or ESPN2 after 8:30 Central time. God my penis is going to get a workout tonight.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

One Week Later...

I guess they had some big to-do in Washington last week. Bigger than usual. Word on the street is they officially gave some new guy the keys to the White House. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Unless you’re totally for that whole Socialism/Communism thing. Oh yeah, joy, joy.

In other news…

I really haven’t had that much to post about lately. Not a whole lot has happened in the past week. I’ve heard other people complain about cold weather. “It’s brutally cold here. There’s a chill in the air. The temperature is supposed to drop to 12 degrees.” There have been days where the bank outside my window hasn’t gone above -9. The little puppy has learned to poop with only two feet on the ground and also on the fly as she heads for the front door. Pretty comical.

Speaking of the puppy, she slept with me till 2:00 pm on MLK Day. Sweet little stinky puppy. I’m scared to give her a bath. She hates them and usually pees on something afterwards. Right in front of me while she’s giving me this, “You do that, I’ll do this” look. Such a darling.

I watched a guy and his wife buy a $1.5 million house in some foreign country. 8,000 square feet, brand new, swimming pool, spiral staircase, right on the beach. They were worried about noise as other homes were going up on either side of them. I’d have 1.5 million other reasons to worry.

The producers caught up with them two months after they moved in. The guy said he almost feels guilty getting up in the morning, having a cup of coffee, and taking his phone and laptop out by the pool to work. I wouldn’t feel guilty kicking him in the head.

Which reminds me, gotta buy a Powerball ticket on Wednesday.

I won $100 at the casino only to be dragged back to the tables by a friend where I proceeded to lose $800. Gee, thanks. And I was all set to leave with my hundo.

I started lifting weights in the basement again. I don’t know if it will work out or not, still in the testing phase. I’m trying Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday, whole body workouts (with happy endings even). I think it would work better if I had a bench that didn’t incline and had dumbbells larger than 70 lbs. The typical home gym bench that inclines usually has a little flex to it. Ok if you’re putting up 135 lbs on the bench, not good with 245 lbs over your chest. And there are actually quite a few exercises where I could utilize 90 pounders. We’ll see how it goes.

I recently bought a new phone (first in over two years) that allows you to download and play music on it. Normally I’m not really a music guy. Sure, I’ll have the radio on all day at work but it’s not like I have 20 CDs in my car. But now that I can play songs pretty much wherever and whenever I want, well, let’s just say it’s pretty freaking cool. I plug it into my Cambridge Soundworks speakers with the tweeters and the sub and rock out (with my cock out!) all day long at work. The only bad thing is I haven’t quite figured out how to get all the Rolling Stones songs into a Rolling Stones folder but I’m sure if I play with it I’ll figure it out. But then again I said the same thing about the female genital region six years ago and I’m still at square one.

My phone also plays porn vids. I haven’t downloaded porn to a computer in five years for fear of viruses. I spent two hours on MLK Day downloading porn. I tossed in a couple ethnically appropriate ones in honor of the day. Yeah, I love my phone. In more ways than one.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Blog Readers Convene, Agree Blog Kicks Ass!

Two weeks ago we held the first blog readers get-together and it was a rousing success!  At the meeting we discussed what could be improved on the site as far as the layout is concerned.  We also discussed the blog content and by a 24-0 vote Article #1 was passed: need more booze to be more funny!  I've been working pretty hard at that lately.  And finally, and most importantly, the blog was voted "Most Kick Ass" of all corner bar blogs.  I was quite honored by that one.  Thanks to all who attended.


I was sitting at the bar playing dice with the Renter and the old roommate.  I saw a girl on the other end of the bar lean over to place her order and I recognized her immediately.  "Is that B to the…?"  I used to work with her back at the movie theater in 1995.  She was with another girl who worked there too.  Small world.


I don't know how but they happened to stumble upon the blog at some point.  Maybe the FA sent them a link or something, I'm not sure.  Anyway, after I finished the dice game I went over to their table to chat.  A couple bits of stories that we shared:


"Remember when you were dancing like a spaz and broke the glass door to the FA's entertainment center?"


"Wasn't that when you were going out with that girl and I was making out with you at the FA's New Year's Eve party?"


"You helped me wrap Christmas presents and you wouldn't sleep with me because you didn't shave your legs that day."


"I laughed when you showed me your penis at first but I cried later."


"You showed it to me, too."


"You sold me that car and the steering wheel fell off in my hands when I drove it home.  Oh, and you wouldn't pay to get it fixed."


"I still live at home with my parents."


"What was that girl's name again?"  (H.R., like I'd really forget that one)


"You haven't changed at all."


"Remember when that old guy thought you were a young boy?"


"I went to his bar and asked if Harry was working."  (Mr. Sweater Vest himself)  "He looked at me a little weird and I asked if the owner was around and his face got bright red.  It was a little awkward for a minute there."


"Did you really fill up that woman's gas tank for sex?"


"I think it would be easier to make a list of people who hadn't seen your penis there."


"Do you come here often?"


"Every mother fucking day."

Hotmail® goes where you go. On a PC, on the Web, on your phone. See how.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Snow Blowing

Shit sucks here. Supposed to be -15 tomorrow. Renter isn't talking to me. Had to hop in my Jeep from the passenger side today, with a suit on. I'm 6'5, 230 lbs, jumping over a stick shift ain't that fun. Hope NY gets that. Sorry, Swandad.

Sad that I had to unwrap the "Beautiful Girls" CD the Renter got me last Christmas. Should have opened it before now. Timothy Hutton is great. Skinky Walmack is my best bud. He's got apps. His lingo, not mine.

Peace for now. Having troubles typing. Loaded.

Tee’d Up

Friday I went to the casino with the Renter and ended up running into the old roommate. I had just gotten done fighting with the dealers for four hours (up $200) when he walked up behind me and tapped my shoulder. He was there with a friend from work and they were wrapping up their stay there. I went and cashed in my chips and found the group back in a corner hitting up a slot machine. I really don’t like slot machines but I figured I might as well play one if I’m going to be waiting around. I stuck a $5 in some slot called “Cat’s Meow,” found a button that looked like a bet denomination and hit the spin button. I must have hit something on the first spin because it gave me this touch screen where I had to pick different items at random – I truly had no idea what I was doing. After about five touch screens it went back to the tumbler screen and it showed that I had $100 in credits. $100! One spin! I cashed out quicker than Gene Upshaw.

After getting home at 6:30 in the morning on Saturday and the puppy allowing me to sleep for only five hours I knew I wasn’t going to make it too long on Saturday. Sure, I probably could have taken a nap sometime during the day but I didn’t want to be up all night, either. So, what to do? That’s right, go up to the bar because there’s football on TV! By 6:00 pm even I could notice my words weren’t coming out quite right. I got a call from the Renter. “Where are you?” “Burp, at the bar.” “But what about hanging out with my coworkers? I’m sure they want to go out someplace before going to the bar.” Yeah, they might have wanted to go someplace else, didn’t mean that I wanted to. I went home at 7:30, just as the Renter was leaving. Later that night I got a couple text messages. “[Blank] says he is drunk but he will kick ur ass the next time he plays u in pool.” And, “He said that he will deny it if he loses to u tho…” I rolled over and went back to bed.

Sunday morning I got a call from the Polak. He was looking to meet up for the games and I suggested the corner bar (where else, right?). Since I had gotten a good night’s sleep I was ready for some more beer. Also, my weekly schedule has been a little off since the Packers season ended so a start time of noon meant for another awesome night of sleep. Sweet! Around 4:00 I suggested that he and I go back to my house for a little while and grab a frozen pizza. I asked him to wait five minutes after I left so I could take the puppy outside so she wouldn’t get all excited and pee when he got there. I didn’t know what was waiting for me on the home front.

Apparently the Renter was mad at me for something. As soon as I got in the door she tee’d up and swung for the green. I don’t know if it was because I went home early on Saturday or because I had been at the bar since noon on Sunday or what, but good golly she was irate. I mean, I had hardly even seen her since Saturday morning, what could I have done to warrant anything? The Polak came over and she yelled at him and sent him home. I caught hell for a good hour until my Chinese arrived. After that I went back up to the bar. You can only get screamed and yelled at for so long.

I'll save the Friday "family" dinner for another post.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Charles Barkley Gives World’s Greatest Blow Job!

I’m sure you’ve all heard that Sir Charles was arrested in Arizona last week on a DUI bust, but did you all know that he has mastered the art of the blow job? Yep, you heard it here first! When the officer asked him where he was going, Charles responded: “You want the truth? I was gonna drive around the corner and give a blow job.” Apparently he did one a week earlier and it was the best one he had ever given in his life.

Wait up, maybe he was getting the blow job instead of giving it. I’m not sure, I’m a little intoxicated myself.

Speaking of which, what happens when you’re intoxicated and you walk out of an establishment with your head turned to the side talking to the guy behind you? If you have my luck, you completely miss all but one of the five steps going down to the side walk and severely sprain your ankle. The whole outside of my foot is black and blue with some coloration stretching all the way to my toes. I’m actually fairly fortunate I didn’t smack my head on the sidewalk. Somehow I managed to land on my shoulder with my head stopping mere inches from the ground.

Some people need a designated driver. I need a designated walker.