Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Making Macaroni

Appearantly macaroni expands when you cook it.  What started with the pot an eighth full turned into an overflowing pot of noodles.  It all worked out in the end, I had noodles to mix with the Roommate's chili.  It makes the food that she cooked last longer (so I don't get yelled at for eating it too fast).

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Election, Phone Calls, RNC, I've Had It

I enailed the RNC/GOP today after I received the third recorded call from them this week.

"I was going to vote for Roney but if I get one more recorded call from your campaign during my lunch hour I will vote for The Socialist.  If anyone actually reads this, get back to me and I'll give you the number to be taken off the list."

11 days before the election, I'm bound to get yet another recorded call, if not more than one.  I don't think I can live up to my threat, though.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


The Detroit Lions played against the Chicago Bears on Monday Night Football.  As you may know, one of the best wide receivers in the National Football League is Calvin Johnson, who plays for the Lions and carries the nickname "Megatron."

Watching football with women is a bit painful.

Roommate: Why do they call him Megaton?

Me: He's tall, probably 6'5", he weighs a good 240 lbs, so he's pretty big as far as wide receivers go.

Roommate: But why Megatron?  Is he a Transformer or something?

Me: I don't know, probably just a nickname his teammates gave him.

Roommate: That's stupid.  "I'm Megatron!  Decepticons, roll out!"

Me: Technically, I think that's Optimus Prime who says "roll out."

Roommate: He plays for the Lions, right?  Why didn't they name him Voltron?  At least those were lions.  "Red lion, blue lion, yellow lion…"

Me: I don't think these guys were around in the 80's when Voltron was on TV.  (Calvin was born in 1985)


Jon Gruden: That pass right there, that should have been a catch by Megatron over the middle.

Roommate: MEGATRON!!!  ARRRROOOOYAAAAAHHHHH!!! (stretching her arms out in some form of Beast Mode).

Jon Gruden: This Detroit Lions team can't beat the Bears when Megatron doesn't catch a pass in the entire first half.

Roommate: MEGATRON!!!  ARRRROOOOYAAAAAHHHHH!!! (stretching her arms out in some form of Beast Mode).

I don't think this would be tolerable even if I was drinking.

Then there's this one:

Roommate: Could the Broncos and the Giants potentially meet in the Super Bowl?

Me: Possibly.

Roommate: Who do you think Archie Manning would root for, Eli who already has two rings or Peyton who has one and was out all of last year?

I guarantee you Archie Manning's name comes up in my house more than in 98% of the population.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Last Week I Had an Epiphany

Last week I had an epiphany.  Not all on my own, mind you, there may have been some outside sources influencing my decision, but it was a good decision.

I was not going to drink during the week.

Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with the situation, I tend to drink a bit pretty much every day.  I say a "bit" because, just like with my homemade cigarettes that cost me $1.00 a pack to make, I don't keep track of how much I smoke or how many $.44 beers I consume.  If I drink ten it costs me $4.40, if I drink 20 it costs me $8.80.  $10 a day for beer won't break my budget.  You might make a case that while $10 is nominal, consuming 20 beers is not.  Point taken.

On Friday, October 12th, I decided I wasn't going to go to the store and buy the usual 8-10 30-packs of beer like I would normally on a pay day.  Instead, I counted the beers in the fridge (40 plus) and made up my mind that that was all I was going to have for the weekend.  After that, no more until the next weekend.

I stayed up till 4:00 am on Sunday finishing off the last of the beer.  I knew the Green Bay Packers were playing on Sunday Night Football and I didn't want any beers lying around to tempt me during the game.  This worked out pretty well as after staying up that late I didn't really even feel like drinking any more that weekend.

Then came the week days.

Surprisingly I wasn't hankering for a beer like I thought I might be.  In retrospect, no one really "hankers" for a Milwaukee's Best Light, but more for the after effects.  I picked up some decaf coffee which satisfied my oral fixation.  Drinking two pots of regular coffee at work and another two cups of decaf at home didn't do wonders for my teeth, but I'm still working on other alternatives.  I felt relatively normal from 5:30 till I went to bed at 10:30.

The dreams I had got to me, though.  In one, I was forced into a fight club in which there were five teams of ten, one team which was the "home" team who basically killed the other four teams.  Not just beat up the weaker teams, but killed them.  I did a lot of running in that dream.  Another was a cross country ski competition with people I went to high school with, except there wasn't any snow, just dry city streets that we were racing on.  Thursday night was the first night I couldn't vividly remember what I had dreamed about.

My work days, while not as odd as my nights, had their own character to them.  Strangely, I still felt somewhat out of it in the mornings, almost like I had been drinking the night before.  Knowing full well that I hadn't, I came to the conclusion that my body was letting me know that there was something missing, like I had a negative value for a blood/alcohol content.  I found myself saying stuff doing stuff and afterwards thinking that the ship was listing to the opposite side that it used to.  But once again, by Friday this seemed to even out and everything seemed to be floating properly.

Even with all this going on, I thought it would be worse than it actually was.  I'm not saying this like I conquered any alcohol related problems that I might have, but for five days I did.  That was my goal, five days.

On Friday I picked up a 30-pack and had it like usual.  On Saturday, after mowing the lawn and changing the oil in the Jeep I went out and bought another 30-pack with my eye on the noon Packer game.  I knew I'd still be a bit fragile and didn't want to run out during the game, so the second 30-pack just gave me a little security, a blanky if you will.  The game ended at 3:00 and the Roommate and I went out to eat.  Upon our return I drank again from 4:00-6:00 and made myself a pot of the decaf coffee.  Those should be my last beers until Friday at 5:30.  While I still have a few left from the second 30-pack, I don't feel any temptation to open one.  The thing is, I don't think I'd be able to open just one.

It's kind of nice to have a new challenge in my life and a rather big challenge at that.  On the plus side, I've saved $100 and in one week alone I cut down my caloric intake by 10,000 calories.  We'll see how this goes.  I'm sure consuming 40-60 beers over the course of a weekend isn't ideal, but not drinking during the week is a step in the right direction.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Third Leg

YOU try hauling this around every day. It's not a blessing.  It's the curse of the Third Leg.

Third Leg

YOU try hauling this around every day. It's not a blessing.  It's the curse of the Third Leg.

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Crapping Yourself Fail

The Renter and I went to New China Buffet last Saturday.  I had been drinking since noon, nothing out of the ordinary.  We get in.  I pay.  I go use the bathroom.

Standing at the urinal I fart.  Turned out to be a juicey fart.

Not good.

Thankfully one of the stalls was open.  I took off my shoes, took off my jeans, and removed the shitty underwear.

I waited till the bathroom was empty to leave the stall.

As I was walking to the trash can, poopy underwear in hand, someone walked in the door.  I kept my eyes down, placed my underwear in the trash, washed my hands and proceeded to eat all I could.

I hope they let me back in there.

I wonder how long my shit sat in their garbage before they realized what was funking up their bathroom.