Friday, July 30, 2010

Montana Fishburne on Vivid Entertainment Video

"I've watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape."

This is what we've come to? Laurence Fishburne's daughter is only 19. I had sex for the first time when I was 19 and now that's the "coming out" age for a sex tape? (By the way, thank you Heather Rodriguez.)

And how come I didn't hear about the casting call?

Could you imagine me shaking the man's hand after I boiked his daughter on a mass distributed video? I mean, without getting my ass knocked the fuck out.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Fielder, Trade

I REALLY wish they'd stop with the Prince Fielder trade talk. Sure, the Brewers could use some arms but the dude is pretty much the face of the franchise. Thank goodness the Yanks got their first baseman last year as Prince doesn't want to be a DH. End of the month is quickly approaching so we'll see...

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

End Of Days

I've officially figured out how it will all end. It will be summer; I don't do well in warm weather. I will either be lifting weights in the basement, hauling 30-packs of Milwaukee's Best Light to the back door, or standing in line at Sam's Club after I realize the person I went with - the person with the membership - is nowhere to be seen when I get up to the cashier. That or shoveling snow in the winter if I can't get the snowblower running.

Mark my words: GA-RUN-TEED.

Till then I will indulge myself with $.44 beers and $1 packs of cigarettes. And free porn. Gotta "love" that free porn.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Michael Beasley, David Kahn

David Kahn, arguably the dumbest team president (T Wolves), said yesterday that new Timberwolf Michael Beasley smoked too much marijuana in the past - no shit - but still thought he was worth two draft picks and cash. Is this what the NBA had come to? Even Beasley's photo (the one with the tie) looks questionable. Between Dwight's shoulders and Beasley's photos, it's obvious there isn't any drug testing in the NBA.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Offshore Drilling, Transport

After all the shit that's going on in the Gulf, I stumbled upon these photos of ships used to transport the offshore drilling rigs. Thing that flabbergasts me is how they can submerge these boats to the point where their loading decks are 33 feet under water. Seeing these photos was like seeing a vagina for the first time, sans the nose plugging.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Oh, Crap...

Last Tuesday I had an early meeting at work. As usual I let the puppy out to do her business, bagged it and went back in. With the Renter still sleeping I thought it would be funny to leave Puppy's "masterpiece" by the Renter's toothbrush in the kitchen. (Why she brushes her teeth in the kitchen I don't know.) The Renter doesn't like the poopies. I'll admit I giggled a little after placing the package on the window sill.

But then, after going home for lunch I noticed the package was gone. I looked in the garbage figuring that's where it would be but it wasn't. That only means one thing: the poopies are now in my room somewhere, no doubtedly hidden somewhere fermenting in the summer heat. Should have thought about that when I pulled my joke.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

July 4th Weekend, 2010

Man, what a fucking weekend. The Renter and I left on Thursday after work and headed out to a friend’s lake house in Gobles, Michigan. We arrived there at roughly 11:00 pm and greeted our noticeably inebriated friends. I quickly joined them in the festive spirit until I realized that when I packed the cooler for the road trip I had only put three beers in it. (I know, packing a cooler with beer for a road trip doesn’t sound like something a normal person would do.) Beers #4-15, while noticeably warm, still went down without a problem.

That’s about all I remember from the four day weekend.


After taking Puppy out in the morning I’d crack open a beer and light a cigarette. I repeated that sequence at least 30 times every day. I didn’t drink anything that didn’t have alcohol in it. That might explain why I feel the way I do now, four days later.

I drove back on Monday and felt so out of it that I didn’t even pop open one beer (after I got home, not while driving of course). Tuesday around 4:00 pm my urine finally lost the orange tint and turned clear/yellow. But even today as I sat at my desk I had this odd feeling of being on a boat with the waves lifting me slightly up and down. Same thing with my vision. I think my body/liver is trying to tell me something. What? I can’t hear you!

But seriously, between the boating, wave runner, fireworks, golf, falling off the wave runner, and many shots of whatever bottle was closest, the weekend was a fucking blast. I hope I didn’t do anything to not get invited again…

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Lohan, Blow Job

Is it sad that this is how I would imagine Lindsay Lohan looks while giving a blow job, all coked out and teary eyed, or is she crying because she just realized it was me she was blowing?

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Straight Up Holmes

With a big weekend coming up filled with plenty of outdoor activities (including golf, pontoon boats and jet skis), I thought it would be a good time for a hair cut. I left the office around 12:30 yesterday and headed to my usual clipping shop. Mind you I said usual; it's not my favorite by far. It does have two things going for it. While they are always very busy I don't think I've ever waited longer than five minutes before getting seated (no wait yesterday). And I like their price: $5. It's gotta be the cheapest place in town. The only draw back is you don't know what your hair will look like when you leave.

Like I said, there wasn't a wait on Tuesday. I was assigned to an older hispanic woman who looked like she was having a bad day. Great, I thought, but I wasn't going to judge her based on her looks. I sat in the chair, told her I hadn't been in for over a month and just needed a little off. She grabbed the clippers and made a test run on the side of my head. I told her the length looked good and she continued cutting my hair. I let out a sigh of relief as things were going rather well.

But then, as she was finishing up, she went for the hair dryer. She proceeded to blow my hair straight back so it was standing straight up. When she got done I looked like Kid from Kid 'n Play. As I got up to pay I noticed that all the hispanic guys in the shop looked exactly like me. I know I have a bit of a tan from sitting on the deck all the time but I am clearly not latino. I paid leaving the usual $5 tip and walked to my car. I tried to flatten it out but I knew nothing would work besides completely soaking my head in the bathroom at work. Then it hit me: I had to go back to work looking like this.

My friend in the wheel chair saw me first. "What happened to you?" "Didn't you hear, its the new 'it' thing. Maybe if you had more hair you could do it too!"

It didn't end there. Another co-worker was leaving the bathroom as I was going in. "Nice doo, man!" Thankfully, after dousing my head in the sink it finally went down. No wonder why I get mini panic attacks when I go for hair cuts.