Tuesday, December 30, 2008

What I Did in the Wisconsin Dells

I slept from 11:00 pm to 11:00 am every day.

I drank from 11:00 am to 11:00 pm every day. (Seriously, don’t ask me how, but unless I was in the car I had a beer in my hand the whole time.)

I drank nothing but beer during the day and water at 3:00 in the morning.

I played a shit load of pool and Golden Tee.

I ate a shit load of chicken wings and pizza.

I farted a lot (my body doesn’t do well with cheese).

I puked because I ate too much pizza too quickly. (You know, when you’re drunk and you’re making the “arr, ummm, arr” noises as you wolf down whatever you’re eating.)

I finished the last slice after puking.

After swimming at a different hotel I informed my front desk clerk that I wasn’t wearing any underwear. (She was on the phone so I had to whisper it.)

Said different hotel, when they looked at my wristband, informed me that only guests of the hotel were allowed to get towels. There I was, dripping wet, its 20 degrees outside and this bitch with a Russian accent tells me I can’t have a towel. So I reached across the counter, grabbed a towel and told her, “You better call security then.” No, the Russian chick was pretty hot and her accent made my loins tingle so I just walked away and grabbed someone else’s towel. But still, fucked up.

Same said hotel boasted a new sports bar which consisted of two TVs and a 10 foot long bar with a bunch of rainbow colored containers along the back wall (for making slushies for the kids in the attached game room). Some sports bar.

I ate at 2:30 and 11:00 every day.

I went to IHOP, one of the most hated establishments from my childhood.

I spent an inappropriate amount of time in a bowling alley without touching a bowling ball.

Beer wasn’t cheap there. Pitchers were going for $8-$9. I walked into one place at the beginning of the 4th quarter of the Badgers game and they had $1 tappers till the end of the game. I had seven by the time the game was over. After the first two the bartender had a fresh one ready before I was finished with the one in hand. I then switched to (cheap beer I don’t remember the name of) because pitchers of those were only $6. I woke up without any pubic hair. Not making this up.

My hotel room had five channels of ESPN. FIVE!

I made it home in one piece, without walking home.

Although something under my ribcage is paining me. Could that be the liver?

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Getting Out Of Dodge

Holidays blow. With the parents getting divorced and the prospect of having two family get togethers, well, I'm just not up for it. I got an email from dad asking me to go over to his place on Friday at 3:00. I never replied. Instead I booked a hotel room for myself in the Wisconsin Dells. $60 a night is well worth it to get away. There you can find me sitting by the indoor water park sipping margaritas imagining I am in Mexico. Merry Fucking Christmas everybody.

(Funny thing is, I think I actually have to drive through Dodge County to get to the Dells.)

Friday, December 19, 2008

Snow Day

With more than 12" dumped on us this morning, I find myself stuck at home without a shot glass for the Southern Comfort. Without regulation, looks like yours truly will get fucked up twice today.

Monday, December 15, 2008

$1G and 50L

The weekend started out tame enough. Friday at the corner bar was pretty quiet (from what I remember). I had five pitchers and four shots (two Southern Comfort, two Dr.s). I woke up Saturday morning with a horrible pain in my neck that I reasoned was half from the booze and half from doing upright rows at the gym on Friday. I had a list of things to do but I just couldn’t get anything going till around 3:30 that afternoon. The puppy and I just sat around watching TV (that new show Leverage).

The Renter had a work party at the Hilton and I wanted to leave at 5:00 to take full advantage of the open bar from 5:30-7:00. At 3:30 I finally got up, took a healthy dump, and hopped in the shower. I needed a haircut so I made my way down to the $5 haircut place ($10 after tip) and was in and out within 15 minutes. I stopped at the liquor store on the way back home and picked up some Southern Comfort to put in my six ounce flask I planned on taking to the party. Got dressed, suit without a tie, and was ready by 4:45.

The Renter was still running around in nothing but a towel.

I made myself a good three ounce shot of Southern Comfort and Coke and took the puppy outside. 5:00 came around and I made myself another drink. The Renter finally got done around 5:15/5:20 and we were out the door.

Amazingly we got downtown right at 5:30 but we still had to park. 5:45 and I was two fisting it with more Southern Comfort. I did look around to see if anyone else had two drinks but nope, I was the only one. I’ll admit it made greeting people a little awkward and both my hands got pretty cold but hey, I had two drinks readily available. After a couple trips down to the bar for a cigarette (some 40 steps to navigate on a bad knee), I began to realize that if I continued downing Southern Comfort at break neck speed I would indeed break my neck – or hopefully land on that fat chick at the bottom of the stairs (and there were many rather large women in attendance). The next time I got in line for beverages I got one Southern Comfort and Coke and one Heineken. I haven’t had Heineken in years since they’re kind of bitter and a bit on the expensive side, but after all that Southern Comfort this one tasted like honey. I got two more before I was finished with the first one. By the time the cut off came I had a Southern Comfort and three Heineken’s in front of me on the dinner table. That and with two glasses of wine, well, there wasn’t much room for a plate.

The salad came shortly after 7:00 with the steak arriving at 7:30. By this time I was good and drunk. And hungry. Very hungry. While everyone else was eating and chatting, I could be found stuffing my mouth with steak, potatoes, and maybe even a finger or two. I was lucky they didn’t have steak knives on the table.

I’m not much of a dessert guy so I took off for the bar leaving some lame excuse like “the game was on” when I really didn’t have any idea who was playing. I spent a good half hour in the Miller Time Pub by myself, downing beers with reckless abandon. Eventually people started to filter in from the party. Pictures were taken, stories were told, fun was had by all. I played a couple games of pool and was right on the verge of not being able to see straight. We went back up to the party since they had some casino games and fake money. I sat down at a blackjack table. Now I know it was fake money and all but mother fucker did I get irate inside when these women who obviously had never played the game before were hitting when the dealer was showing a six. A SIX!!! Even the Renter knows not to hit in that situation. You could probably guess what happened next.

Twenty minutes later we were at the real casino. I had $1,000 and gave the Renter $500 to play with. After some ups and downs we walked out with $2,000. I gave the Renter $100 for helping me win and we headed home to the corner bar. (Why she doesn’t have to pay when we lose is beyond me.)

The corner bar was packed with crazy karaoke people. There were a few regulars in attendance who took double takes when they saw me in a suit. I got a text message from a friend who was sitting down the bar, “Did you have your funeral to attend?” Ha, ha, Powder, very funny. There wasn’t an open seat and I was having a little problem standing so we left, grabbed some breakfast, and I passed out.

Sunday the Packers got their asses handed to them by the Jacksonville Jaguars. Nuff said.

After the game the Renter and I went shopping. I can only go shopping after drinking. Sure, I might buy some stupid shit that I don’t need but shopping is much less painful under the influence. The first stop was JC Penny’s. Saturday at the work party I noticed that my three year old suit was getting a bit tight in the back, shoulders, and arms. I found a nice dark blue/black pinstriped suit in my size (50L) and tried it on. The shoulders and arms fit much better than my old suit. 20 minutes later I had a shirt and tie to match and the salesman taking measurements (1.5” tuck in both the sides). The grand total after alterations: $180. Suit, shirt and tie for under $200. The Renter actually came up with a good idea for once (doesn’t happen that often) and since the prices were so good I walked out with a nice green suit, too. Two suits, two ties, and two shirts for $360.

(Side note: after I win at the casino I need to go shopping or I’ll give it right back to them and be left with nothing but a foot up my ass.)

After JC Penny’s I got the Renter to stop at a strip mall bar on the way to Wal-Mart. I had two pints of some red ale before opting for a pitcher of Miller Lite. To my surprise the bartender came back with this huge glass pitcher that weighed a ton. It was quite the deal at $7.50 but I was nervous as hell every time I went to fill the glass for fear of dropping the big pitcher. I ordered some chicken wings that were almost too spicy to eat while the Giants/Cowboys game was on. I got to “enjoy” those chicken wings again Monday morning. Ouchies.

Somehow I managed to drop $170 at Wal-Mart. The Renter said I was just grabbing shit off the shelves and tossing it in the cart. Pizzas, plastic silverware, paper plates, laundry detergent, shampoo, toothpaste, cleaning supplies, and of course some puppy toys; you name it and it was in the cart.

I had another pitcher at the bar to top off the night. I played a couple of the “for amusement only” slot machines and broke even. The Cowboys win put me back ahead for the day as far as football games go (Atlanta – push, Arizona – loss, Pittsburgh – win, Dallas – win). Let’s just hope the Browns and Eagles can put up a bunch of points tonight.

Recap: work parties are awesome when they both supply free booze and aren’t sponsored by your work. I had no problem getting extremely drunk in front of 150 or so people that I didn’t know.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Day Without a Gay

The FA forgot about skipping work today and showed up as usual. Way to show that pride, buddy.


Seriously considering not going to the gym today because its one flight down tn the locker room, two flights up to the weight room, and all that over again when I'm done. 31 years old and I have to use my penis for a kane.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Chadwick's - So Disappointing

I flipped through the Renter's Chadwick's catalogue that came in the mail. I was surprised by all the women they had in there. I mean, they were all freaking hot! But as I kept flipping through it I was growing increasingly agitated. Every page that I turned, I figured the bra and panty spread would be next. To my displease that section never came. What, no bras or panties? What the fuck?! I'll admit, I even went on their website to see if they sold the goods on there and again, underwear was no where to be found.

Chadwick's, I'm quite disappointed.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Yahoo! Personals One-liner

"My best feature is my beautiful blue eyes. That is the best thing I have going for me."

Huh? If that’s the best thing you’ve got going for you, hell, you must be homeless and only have three limbs. Sure, I could see someone from Zimbabwe writing that because saying “I live in a straw hut with my mom and eight siblings and like my worms crispy” really isn’t much of a turn on. In that case, sure, your beautiful blue eyes might actually be the best thing going for you if only because all your brothers and sisters have brown eyes.

Seriously, ladies, if you want to attract the guys all you have to do is include the words “suck” and “anal” and “swallow” and “fuk” in your personals ad. Make sure you misspell “fuck” or the bad word finder will reject it. Oh, and if for some reason “anal” gets rejected too, just use “back door” or “rear entry” instead.

God, people should be paying me for this advice.

(No people from Zimbabwe were injured during the creation of this post.)

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Blow Me

It started to snow on Sunday while I was watching the Packers play. Not a whole lot – it wasn’t accumulating – but enough to make the average homeowner concerned.

I woke up on Monday morning with a good four inches of snow covering everything. It was high enough that Puppy’s vag was in the snow when she went to pee. Good thing I went out last Tuesday and bought this:

6 hp and 24 inches of snow throwing testosterone! For some reason I decided to rearrange the garage on Saturday to get easier access to it with my car in the garage and filled it up with gas to see exactly how it operated. One pull and the sucker fired right up! So there I was Monday morning blowing snow everywhere with a big’ol smile on my face as I got to play with my new toy. And it worked like a fucking charm. I actually had to be careful when I was doing the sidewalks as it shot snow well out into the street at passing cars. What would have taken me 45 minutes to an hour took me only 15 minutes. I think I’m pretty much set for the oncoming season.

(As a side note, I don’t know if I ever put this on here before, but my grandfather died of a heart attack while he was shoveling snow. Not to be funny or anything, but the ironic part was his three kids had bought him a snow blower for Christmas just months before. He just didn’t want to use it. Folks, that ain’t gonna be me.)

The FA bought one a month or two back also. Same brand but he got the 30” with the 11 hp engine. What the fuck, doesn’t he care about the environment with the emissions coming from that beast? You know how California has all those strict emission laws. You can’t buy his snow blower if you live in California (not that you’d actually need one, but I’m just saying). What ever happened to going “green”? There you have it; the FA doesn’t give a shit about the environment. Dickwad.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Plax’s Ass is Grass

Uh, did anyone catch that Michael Vick fiasco last year? Yeah, well, Plaxico Burress is facing a minimum of 3.5 years in prison for his lastest gaffe. Stupid mother fucker took a loaded handgun into a Manhattan club and shot himself in the thigh. He said he had the gun because he was “all blinged out” and had a lot of cash on him. When will these guys learn? Oh well, just another foreclosed home in Jersey on the cheap.