Tuesday, December 30, 2008

What I Did in the Wisconsin Dells

I slept from 11:00 pm to 11:00 am every day.

I drank from 11:00 am to 11:00 pm every day. (Seriously, don’t ask me how, but unless I was in the car I had a beer in my hand the whole time.)

I drank nothing but beer during the day and water at 3:00 in the morning.

I played a shit load of pool and Golden Tee.

I ate a shit load of chicken wings and pizza.

I farted a lot (my body doesn’t do well with cheese).

I puked because I ate too much pizza too quickly. (You know, when you’re drunk and you’re making the “arr, ummm, arr” noises as you wolf down whatever you’re eating.)

I finished the last slice after puking.

After swimming at a different hotel I informed my front desk clerk that I wasn’t wearing any underwear. (She was on the phone so I had to whisper it.)

Said different hotel, when they looked at my wristband, informed me that only guests of the hotel were allowed to get towels. There I was, dripping wet, its 20 degrees outside and this bitch with a Russian accent tells me I can’t have a towel. So I reached across the counter, grabbed a towel and told her, “You better call security then.” No, the Russian chick was pretty hot and her accent made my loins tingle so I just walked away and grabbed someone else’s towel. But still, fucked up.

Same said hotel boasted a new sports bar which consisted of two TVs and a 10 foot long bar with a bunch of rainbow colored containers along the back wall (for making slushies for the kids in the attached game room). Some sports bar.

I ate at 2:30 and 11:00 every day.

I went to IHOP, one of the most hated establishments from my childhood.

I spent an inappropriate amount of time in a bowling alley without touching a bowling ball.

Beer wasn’t cheap there. Pitchers were going for $8-$9. I walked into one place at the beginning of the 4th quarter of the Badgers game and they had $1 tappers till the end of the game. I had seven by the time the game was over. After the first two the bartender had a fresh one ready before I was finished with the one in hand. I then switched to (cheap beer I don’t remember the name of) because pitchers of those were only $6. I woke up without any pubic hair. Not making this up.

My hotel room had five channels of ESPN. FIVE!

I made it home in one piece, without walking home.

Although something under my ribcage is paining me. Could that be the liver?

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