Friday, February 27, 2009

Reader Comments Funnier Than Site Content?

Joo's comments--now with helpful links!

Sex wedge (if you don't know what this is for, you need to get laid more often, ahem):

Halls commercial:

Really? I would not want to be compared to that woman. That's kinda harsh.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Don't Touch

I'm almost 32-years-old and I've recently become aware of the fact that I don't like people touching me. Seriously, cringe-like reactions. Uncontrollable cringe-like reactions. I can take a slap to the back as a form of greeting but if that hand stays on me for more than a second I get very uncomfortable. The finger poke irritates the fuck out of me. My favorite seat at the bar is at the unused waitress station that has railings on each side keeping possible perpetrators at bay. I just don't like being touched.

And half the time I'm at home I have my hand down my pants. Go figure.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Sex Wedge

Over the weekend I rented Burn After Reading, that supposedly funny movie with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and John Malkovich. I’ll agree it wasn’t a bad movie, if you have the right sense of humor, which I have, but it wasn’t all that great by any means. The funniest part for me was when Clooney broke it off with Malkovich’s ex-wife. The picture showed him going up stairs and then it switched to her with her eyes following the sound of his footsteps as he walked down the hall to the bedroom and back. Then you saw him going back down the steps with the sex wedge in hand. Cracked me the fuck up! Want to know what made it even more funny?

Renter: What was he carrying?

The following conversation was something straight out of grade school. I told her it was a sex wedge. She persistently asked me what it was for. I refused. She quit talking to me. I said, “Oh, double bonus!” which made her even more mad. I went to work.

How do you explain what a sex wedge is used for to a 34-year-old woman? Women must not read the right kind of magazines.

(Oh, and has anyone seen the new Halls commercials on ESPN? No lying, I get text messages and phone calls from friends when that one comes on because of the resemblance to the Renter. Way too funny.)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Cig Tax Outrage

Gov. Jim Doyle's proposed budget: $1.4 billion in tax increases.  The tax increases include: $540 million paid from oil company profits; $318 million by creating a new 7.75% tax rate for the richest 1% of taxpayers; $290 million in higher taxes on cigarette smokers; $215 million in higher corporate income taxes; and more than $85 million paid on capital gains.


"My budget stands up for the people who earn regular paychecks and the people who, through no fault of their own, have lost theirs," Doyle said.


I know I'm a bit conservative being from the Midwest and all, and I'm a smoker, but why hit all the "people who earn regular paychecks" with an additional $.75 a pack tax when you could hit up the highest 2.5% of taxpayers with his new 7.75% tax rate?  I mean Christ, the $400 that Obama is sending me is going straight to the state of Wisconsin.  And now New York wants to put a sales tax on porn downloads?  Stimulus package?  Stimulate this, mother fuckers!  [picture of me holding my nine inch cock in my hands with a very menacing scowl on my face] 

See how Windows connects the people, information, and fun that are part of your life. See Now

Friday, February 13, 2009

Business Proposal

You know when you go to sleep and your brain just keeps on whizzing along, thinking of shit like work or your family or when’s the next time you’re going to get laid? Lately I’ve had work on my mind. I don’t know if it’s because of all the shit that’s going on in the world or what have you but I never used to think about work at home. I’d punch out at 5:00 and look forward to the evening without giving a rat’s ass about what I was working on 30 minutes ago. I liked that. But now, shit, its either this report needs to go out or I need to set up a meeting with this person – the list seems never ending. That’s what I think about as I fall asleep. When I wake up its like I never even left the office.

But this will change soon, my friends. You see, I have this little scheme up my sleeve that’s going to be worth a boat load of money. You know how when you get married you aren’t supposed to have sex with anyone but your spouse? My plan, while still in the making, revolves around having sex with married people and then milking them for some hush money. I used to be very good with the ladies. All it took was some effort and a lot of lies. The best thing was it didn’t take me long to get their clothes off. So, in this new business proposal I’m guessing I could “sign up” two new clients every week. Just think, after six months of hard work I could have 48 clients. At least one of those bitches would have cash at any given moment so her husband wouldn’t find out that she had the best sex of her life with me. Best ever!

After I get that all established and I’m making enough to live within my means, then its time for stage two of the plan. (I love it when a plan comes together! – Hannibal Smith, The A-Team) Some people might hire an accomplice, a woman, who would work in coordination with your efforts: she sleeps with the husband while I sleep with the wife and collect money from both of them. But when you think of it, how hard is it to hide payments from your spouse? And now you want both of them to do it? Besides, the well would dry up pretty quickly if that were to happen. So, I ask you, what could be worse? What could bring in the real payday? Are you ready? I’m not sure I am. How about the wife coming home from work, getting the mail, and finding pictures of her husband all wide-eyed as he’s doing me in the butt? Do you know how much that client would be willing to pay? Well, it better be a lot just for my pain and agony. [Sitting on the beach with a rum and Coke, stranger leans over] “So, what do you do for a living?” “I’m just a business man. You know how that goes, you screw some people over and sometimes you get fucked, too.”

Maybe I’ll just stick to the women part.

While my whole plan is almost certainly 99% illegal and the gas expense it would cost me to drive out to where the rich women live would be substantial, there is one plausible concept within all this: doing married women. Oh yes, married women are the best! Married women just want to fuck. They don’t want you to pick up their kids from school or get groceries or buy them shit. No, they just want what their husbands won’t give them: a good poking. Trust me on this one. I have first hand experience. That’s the lesson for the day. Class dismissed.

Why I’m Single?

I found this some where out there on that world wide internet thingy. I think it might explain why I jack off all the time, er, I mean why I'm single.

Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months. I have noticed that he does not use a washcloth when he showers. When he stays the night and takes a shower in the morning, I give him a washcloth, but after he’s dressed I notice he has not used the washcloth. As a result, I think he does not wash his backside very well and I smell him. When he sits on the couch an odor is left behind, and as he stands I catch a strong whiff. How do I tell a grown man to wash his backside?

A. I am not sure the washcloth is the issue. There are many ways of washing well, washcloth or no washcloth. Your boyfriend could start using a washcloth and it might not change a thing.

People have definite ideas about the way one should clean one’s self. It is often something they grew up with and they assume everybody else does it — or should do it — the same way.

In the coming together of couples, many find that their partner’s hygiene rituals are peculiar or even off-putting.

But here, the issue is more that you are smelling an offensive odor. People have great differences in the sensitivity of their noses. Some prefer for their partners to be nearly aseptic, while others don’t care, or even notice, if their partner smells ripe. Also, some people quite like smelling their own body odor.

As you know, olfaction is a huge factor in attraction. It is helpful, and even necessary, to like your partner’s smell.

Then again, your situation sounds extreme. You are talking about more than body odor. It may be that your boyfriend is truly unaware of his bad hygiene habits. It’s hard to be attracted to someone who is unhygienic and who even has fecal material on him.

I don’t know what the truth is — whether you are especially fastidious or he is truly smelly. But, in terms of making this relationship work, that doesn’t matter. You must address this. Otherwise, you will become increasingly repelled, he will feel increasingly rejected and that will be the end of that.

This topic is tough, but a resolution is necessary. If this persists as an issue for you, you will be put off and won’t last as a couple. Nor will you succeed as a couple if you can’t talk about difficult things.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: An indelicate hygiene problem with one’s partner will cause a breakup if it is left unaddressed.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Happy Early Valentine's Day

If you're lonely, I'll do you. Doesn't matter if I'll have to travel, I'll do you. Well.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Sex After Marriage?

I was informed today that I don't know much about marriage. And why would I? I certainly never plan on getting married, actually probably one of the last things on the agenda. So I guess I was in error when I made the assumption that married people don't have sex. For some reason I thought marriage was to sex what liver failure is to drinking.

FA's wife still hasn't refuted the claim about his small member. Maybe there's nothing to refute?