Sunday, February 27, 2011

Before/After, Shoe Room

Text message to my financial advisor: I might drink and pee myself once or twice a week but I still managed to put this together while half in the bag.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Stan Van Gundy/Ron Jeremy

Watching the Orlando Magic play Friday night:

Renter: Why does their coach look like a cleaned up version of Ron Jeremy?

Me: You didn't know that they're brothers?

Renter: Really?

Talking sports with the Renter is always an adventure.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Creature of Habit

I'm not a big clothes kind of guy (I'm also hinting here that I'm not gay if you can believe that). I don't buy expensive designer items; my favorite store is Kohl's. My favorite t-shirt I got for free eight years ago, a 2002 youth softball league shirt, number on the back and everything. Having never played a game of softball in my life I have to lie when people ask me about it. "Yeah, I coached third base" when I just want to get to third base with the woman who asks me about it in the grocery store.

I've come down to my five favorite "outfits" for work (fuck, I said "outfits"). I wear the same five o's to work every week. I know I should switch it up. I have other clothes to wear, I just don't like them that much.

But it gets worse.

I wear the same five o's on the same five days every week. Monday is tan pants, red shirt. Tuesday is blue pants, blue/yellow shirt. If you came to my office on a casual Friday I'd be wearing a company shirt and jeans. Like clockwork.

I also havn't washed said clothes in over two months. I work in an office so it's not like I get sweaty or anything. Recently I've noticed a rather musky, manly smell coming from them when I put them on in the morning so I'm guessing they're about due to be washed.

My home attire schedule varies slightly from my work attire madness. Instead of having five o's, I have one. I've worn the same jeans, t-shirt and sweatshirt every night after work (assuming I'm not going out). I lift weights, shovel snow, lounge around, all while in these clothes.

I haven't washed these in two months either.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Caught With My Hand In The...

I heard there was a new chick at the business next to my work. I didn't think much of it, till I saw her heading for the elevator after I had already boarded.

Her [running to the doors as they were closing]: Oh, oh ,oh!

Me: Just tick you're arm in there, no big deal.

In her view as the doors were closing I stuck my hand in the six inch opening.

Me: Ah, no, my hand!

I pounded on the door with my free hand.

Me: Help! Help!

The doors opened, as usual. She stood there with her mouth open.

Me: This elevator is pretty tame, no big deal.

She stood there looking at me as the doors closed. Guess she didn't find my act funny.

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Super Bowl Setting

After spending $35 at the bar on Friday I decided to pick up six 30 packs of Milwaukee's Best Light on Saturday. Much cheaper than going out. So, when it came down to where I was going to watch the Super Bowl I chose home. 58" plasma, a puppy, and a Renter who's rooting for the Steelers. So far, half time, the game is going well as I live in Wisconsin. I myself prefer an old school half time performance but that white chick on the Black Eyed Peas can suck my dinger any time she wants. For free, even. Hopefully the second half goes as well. Go Packers.

Oh, and befor the game the best we could find on TV was a Jersey Shore marathon, hence the Renter pic wearing sunglasses indoors

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Old Habits, New Methods

I don't follow as many blogs as I used to but one of them is Jason Mulgrew. I like to give him shit every once in a while for not posting as much as he used to. And he and I seem to have at least one thing in common.

My email:

I'll give you a little slack on the lack of posts lately, but being a man of similar tastes as mine...

I've been without (new) porn on my phone ever since Limewire went down. I know, Limewire, a thing of the past, but as you can see I still use Hotmail. Of course there's Redtube (which I first heard of from you, thank you), but I'm looking for that high quality, downloadable good shit that these new smart phones were surely invented for. I have 18 hours of porn on my phone but it's getting a little old, kind of like dating a girl for three months and and you've litterally had sex with her every one ofthose days, one of those loosey goosey chicks that never says no. So I'm in the "out with the old, in with the new" mode, looking for new material. If you could throw me a bone (ha!) and toss me a free website or two (that don't have viruses or STDs) that you might happen to browse from time to time I'd greatly appreciate it.

Feel free, with your posting dry spell, to use this on your blog if you want.

Jason's responce:

Oh, enough with the not-blogging talk. I've started a new one that I'll be releasing to the public shortly. As for porn, two sites and two sites only: Redtube and Pornhub. They make me happy.


Just keeping up with the blogging peeps.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Snow Removal/Snow Blower

As everyone knows already, most of the Midwest was hit with a monster of a snow storm. We got about six inches Tuesday morning. I woke up early and got the snowblower running. Everything was going well untill the engine started smoking and shut off. In my early morning state (not fully awake and certainly hung over), I didn't think much of it. Maybe something got caught in the augers or something. I put the snow blower away and finished up with a shovel.

When I got home I changed clothes and went out to the garage to take a look at it. I didn't find anything that was obviously wrong with it. But then I went to start it. I couldn't get the engine to budge. No matter how hard I pulled I couldn't get it to rotate. Then I checked the oil. Over the summer I noticed there was a wet mark under it but I figured it was just leaking gas. Stupid me didn't consider that gasoline would have evaporated. Sure enough, when I checked the dip stick there was little evidence that there was any oil in the tank. My engine was shot, just in time for the biggest snow storm in a decade.

I knew I had off on Wednesday so I stayed home Tuesday night and pounded beers. It was snowing but nothing too serious. I figured I'd just wait till the morning and take my time shoveling snce I didn't have anything else going on.

I woke up Wednesday morning and went to take the dog out. I opened the inside door and pushed on the outside door. To my surprise, just like the snow blower engine, it didn't budge. There was two feet of snow blocking my way. I went to the back door and as able to wedge my way out. Puppy went about five.feet and peed on my snow covered deck. One minute later she was pooping by the garage, quite possibly the fastest I've ever seen her poop. She didn't want anything to do with all the snow.

Around 11:00 I went outside to shovel. It was plenty cold out so the snow was fairly light and fluffy but there was a lot of it. There were drifts by the Renter's car but I figured they were just drifts; all my sidewalks couldn't possibly have the same amount of snow, right?

As I worked my way down the driveway I found out I was wrong. My sidewalks were covered knee deep I snow. The Renter had a girlfriend sleep over so there were three of us shoveling but still, it was a daunting task. I vaulted one drift that went all the way up to my balls. After an hour and a half everything was cleared and I bought the ladies lunch.

My snow blower was only two years old and set me back $800. Since its practically brand new, sans working engine (it still has those little nubbies on the tires), I went online to find out how much new engines cost. Without the exact model number handy I did a basic search for Tecumseh 6 hp models. I found a couple models for $250-$300. That was far, far less than I had expected. A hell of a lot better than $800. I called a friend of mine and he sad it shouldn't be too hard to swap out the old one and install the new one. It's not like we'd be taking everything apart (pistons and such), just replacing the engine. I'm almost certain I could do it myself but my friend is much more handy than I ever will be. I figure it will take us about two hours since everything is still fairly new and clean.

Two hours this summer.

I'm punishing myself by not getting it fixed till this summer. I will be shoveling snow for the rest of the winter. Maybe next year I'll actually make sure there's oil in the tank.