$1G and 50L

The weekend started out tame enough. Friday at the corner bar was pretty quiet (from what I remember). I had five pitchers and four shots (two Southern Comfort, two Dr.s). I woke up Saturday morning with a horrible pain in my neck that I reasoned was half from the booze and half from doing upright rows at the gym on Friday. I had a list of things to do but I just couldn’t get anything going till around 3:30 that afternoon. The puppy and I just sat around watching TV (that new show Leverage).

The Renter had a work party at the Hilton and I wanted to leave at 5:00 to take full advantage of the open bar from 5:30-7:00. At 3:30 I finally got up, took a healthy dump, and hopped in the shower. I needed a haircut so I made my way down to the $5 haircut place ($10 after tip) and was in and out within 15 minutes. I stopped at the liquor store on the way back home and picked up some Southern Comfort to put in my six ounce flask I planned on taking to the party. Got dressed, suit without a tie, and was ready by 4:45.

The Renter was still running around in nothing but a towel.

I made myself a good three ounce shot of Southern Comfort and Coke and took the puppy outside. 5:00 came around and I made myself another drink. The Renter finally got done around 5:15/5:20 and we were out the door.

Amazingly we got downtown right at 5:30 but we still had to park. 5:45 and I was two fisting it with more Southern Comfort. I did look around to see if anyone else had two drinks but nope, I was the only one. I’ll admit it made greeting people a little awkward and both my hands got pretty cold but hey, I had two drinks readily available. After a couple trips down to the bar for a cigarette (some 40 steps to navigate on a bad knee), I began to realize that if I continued downing Southern Comfort at break neck speed I would indeed break my neck – or hopefully land on that fat chick at the bottom of the stairs (and there were many rather large women in attendance). The next time I got in line for beverages I got one Southern Comfort and Coke and one Heineken. I haven’t had Heineken in years since they’re kind of bitter and a bit on the expensive side, but after all that Southern Comfort this one tasted like honey. I got two more before I was finished with the first one. By the time the cut off came I had a Southern Comfort and three Heineken’s in front of me on the dinner table. That and with two glasses of wine, well, there wasn’t much room for a plate.

The salad came shortly after 7:00 with the steak arriving at 7:30. By this time I was good and drunk. And hungry. Very hungry. While everyone else was eating and chatting, I could be found stuffing my mouth with steak, potatoes, and maybe even a finger or two. I was lucky they didn’t have steak knives on the table.

I’m not much of a dessert guy so I took off for the bar leaving some lame excuse like “the game was on” when I really didn’t have any idea who was playing. I spent a good half hour in the Miller Time Pub by myself, downing beers with reckless abandon. Eventually people started to filter in from the party. Pictures were taken, stories were told, fun was had by all. I played a couple games of pool and was right on the verge of not being able to see straight. We went back up to the party since they had some casino games and fake money. I sat down at a blackjack table. Now I know it was fake money and all but mother fucker did I get irate inside when these women who obviously had never played the game before were hitting when the dealer was showing a six. A SIX!!! Even the Renter knows not to hit in that situation. You could probably guess what happened next.

Twenty minutes later we were at the real casino. I had $1,000 and gave the Renter $500 to play with. After some ups and downs we walked out with $2,000. I gave the Renter $100 for helping me win and we headed home to the corner bar. (Why she doesn’t have to pay when we lose is beyond me.)

The corner bar was packed with crazy karaoke people. There were a few regulars in attendance who took double takes when they saw me in a suit. I got a text message from a friend who was sitting down the bar, “Did you have your funeral to attend?” Ha, ha, Powder, very funny. There wasn’t an open seat and I was having a little problem standing so we left, grabbed some breakfast, and I passed out.

Sunday the Packers got their asses handed to them by the Jacksonville Jaguars. Nuff said.

After the game the Renter and I went shopping. I can only go shopping after drinking. Sure, I might buy some stupid shit that I don’t need but shopping is much less painful under the influence. The first stop was JC Penny’s. Saturday at the work party I noticed that my three year old suit was getting a bit tight in the back, shoulders, and arms. I found a nice dark blue/black pinstriped suit in my size (50L) and tried it on. The shoulders and arms fit much better than my old suit. 20 minutes later I had a shirt and tie to match and the salesman taking measurements (1.5” tuck in both the sides). The grand total after alterations: $180. Suit, shirt and tie for under $200. The Renter actually came up with a good idea for once (doesn’t happen that often) and since the prices were so good I walked out with a nice green suit, too. Two suits, two ties, and two shirts for $360.

(Side note: after I win at the casino I need to go shopping or I’ll give it right back to them and be left with nothing but a foot up my ass.)

After JC Penny’s I got the Renter to stop at a strip mall bar on the way to Wal-Mart. I had two pints of some red ale before opting for a pitcher of Miller Lite. To my surprise the bartender came back with this huge glass pitcher that weighed a ton. It was quite the deal at $7.50 but I was nervous as hell every time I went to fill the glass for fear of dropping the big pitcher. I ordered some chicken wings that were almost too spicy to eat while the Giants/Cowboys game was on. I got to “enjoy” those chicken wings again Monday morning. Ouchies.

Somehow I managed to drop $170 at Wal-Mart. The Renter said I was just grabbing shit off the shelves and tossing it in the cart. Pizzas, plastic silverware, paper plates, laundry detergent, shampoo, toothpaste, cleaning supplies, and of course some puppy toys; you name it and it was in the cart.

I had another pitcher at the bar to top off the night. I played a couple of the “for amusement only” slot machines and broke even. The Cowboys win put me back ahead for the day as far as football games go (Atlanta – push, Arizona – loss, Pittsburgh – win, Dallas – win). Let’s just hope the Browns and Eagles can put up a bunch of points tonight.

Recap: work parties are awesome when they both supply free booze and aren’t sponsored by your work. I had no problem getting extremely drunk in front of 150 or so people that I didn’t know.