Shocking Tell-All

Shocking Tell All
It has come to that point. I have to admit that I have a problem If only I could pinpoint exactly what that problem is. Let’s see if you can help me out here.

Wednesday night was like most others. I got home around 6:00 and tossed some weights around in the basement for 20 minutes before I was interrupted by the Slovack. He had bought a new trailer and was hauling wood around in it but he had filled it too full so I helped him unload it. No big deal. After that we went on like we usually do, popping beers, watching TV and whatnot. Eventually the Renter’s friend, my old roommate, and the kid down the block showed up and around 9:30 the Renter hooked her laptop to the TV and we watched Stepbrothers. So I ended up going to bed around 11:30, not too late on a “school night.”

3:30 I woke up. It was pitch black in my room. I have both blinds and curtains so it gets really dark in there. Mind you I wear contacts but I’ve never owned glasses so if I wake up at night I can’t see too well. I woke up and I had to pee like you wouldn’t believe.

Wouldn’t you fucking know it but I couldn’t find my bedroom door. I should say my bedroom doorway as the door was open. I searched everywhere for the light switch. This went on for a good two minutes. Eventually the need to pee became too great. Dejected, defeated, and disgusted I just let it out.

The Renter swooped in and turned the light on when she heard the sound of water running. She found me standing in the corner, underwear on, just peeing away. “This is all your fault!” I yelled, knowing full well it wasn’t her fault but I had to blame somebody (other than myself). And of course I couldn’t just pinch it off. I peed a lot. I went to the bathroom, cleaned up, and went back to bed. The Renter came back with her camera and asked if she could take a picture to which I replied, “Fuck off!” and slammed the door. Just embarrassing.

I had to wash pretty much everything that was on the floor in my room and on my bed. The hardwood floors ensured that each item on the floor received its fair share. I tossed the sheets in the washer first (they needed it anyway, probably the second time they’ve been washed in 18 months). Next was the pillow top mattress covering. Two, comforters, a blanket, the evidence (underwear), and other miscellaneous “damp” items were last to get washed. I mopped the floor. I guess when urine dries it gets a little sticky.

I now have a new night light, one that doesn’t eat up a bunch of energy but is bright enough that I can see if I wake up.

What if I had had a lady friend over? What kind of impression would that have left? Good God, I’m 32 and this kind of shit shouldn’t be happening.

My “internet buddy” Jason Mulgrew once said that when he wakes up without any underwear on it means he peed himself. I know the feeling, buddy.