Dear Mr. Sheen

Thank you very much for the invitation to the house warming party at your new mansion. From the picture I've seen the place looks fantastic! However, as much as I would love to attend, I have to respectively decline.

I know the party will be a blast, even if it were just you and I. And four professional working class ladies, of course. And trust me, I can hang with the best of them when it comes to boozing it up. You and I would be like two peas in a pod. Burt and Ernie. Jordan and Pippen. Natalie Kenly and Rachel Oberlin (your godesses do look nice, like bookends). But to be honest, I don't make the brightest decisions when there are booze and women involved. Booze and sports, no problem. Those go hand in hand. While there might be four naked women in your living room, if you happen to mention, even in jest, that there are two more ladies at the top of those steps out back, I won't think twice to climb those and take a gander. I mean, eight boobies and four more makes an even dozen, right?

The problem here would be me getting down from those steps. I can almost guarantee you the trip down would be much, much faster than going up. I would end up landing on my head when I would miss the first step. With all the press you've been getting lately I know it wouldn't look good to have someone die on your property.

So again, thanks for the invite. Hit me up next time you're in town.