Spring Cleaning

This weekend was a little busier than most. Usually in the summer time I’ll do a little yard work, wash the Jeep, and get the first beer opened well before 3:00. But this weekend, well, some idiot (me) invited ten people over for a Sunday get together. These weren’t my normal slap dick friends but people I’d put in the acquaintance category. Since the Renter fired the cleaning lady over two months ago there hasn’t been much cleaning going on. Like none. I didn’t want these acquaintances to come over and see the brown/orange ring that was growing in the toilet or the sink overflowing with dirty dishes. Saturday the Renter and I started with the easy part and washed the deck. This entailed the use of a hose and, well, that’s it, a hose, pretty labor intensive. I did get the Jeep washed before my dad stopped by with some junk he wanted to get out of his house. I now I have three shop vacs and more pirate memorabilia than a normal person should have. (Why my dad thinks I like pirates is beyond me.) After he left around 4:00 the picture gets a little fuzzy. Dad had two beers and I didn’t want him to drink alone so I had ten. I believe I watched the Masters until the bar opened at 6:00, had two pitchers, left the bar with half a pitcher, tried to start a fire using gasoline, failed miserably and went to bed feeling a bit dejected. And a little drunk.

Sunday was when the real cleaning went down. The Renter and I started around 11:00 and didn’t finish until 4:00. I tackled the bathroom and living room while the Renter took on the kitchen. Cleaning the bathroom wasn’t too bad except for getting some funky stuff off the ceiling above the shower. The living room was much less strenuous and (don’t tell the Renter) I was sneaking in bits and pieces of Saving Private Ryan while the Renter was banging pots and pans in the kitchen. But eventually we got it done and now it looks better than it ever has.

The Renter wasn’t done. She had promised to make a tasty Korean steak meal that everyone was looking forward to. She slaved away in the kitchen until 6:00. The meal turned out to be a smashing success but you should have seen the tired look in her eyes when I suggested if there was a next time it would be easier if I did burgers on the grill. Around 9:00 some of the older people started to head home while some younger people were just showing up. Everyone was having a good time, throwing jabs here and there, a good deal of which were falling on the neighbor kid down the block (I’d call him Bat Boy but I made him take that thing home with him last night). But then, out of nowhere, the bartender Gollum spoke up, “Who’s cooking next week?” Next week? NEXT WEEK?! Oh fuck, don’t tell me I have to go and do all this cleaning again because the corner bar is closed and the patrons will be coming to my house on a weekly basis. I mean, I already got put on the schedule (read: not my idea) for Taco Tuesdays on the deck but those are just my low life friends. They don’t care if there’s soap in the bathroom or a hand towel as I’m sure none of them wash their hands (although it’s a good idea after handling jalapenos on the tacos!). They have seen my house in disaster conditions before. But other people, slightly more dignified, who definitely have matching socks and combed hair, they can’t see my house looking like it hasn’t been cleaned in two months.

Maybe I’ll just have to concentrate harder and not pee on the seat/floor.