Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Gloating
I'm going to take a second to gloat a little bit here. I just had my auditors in to present their findings (or lack there of) to my board of directors and was thanked many times by many prominent people in Milwaukee's political scene for my good work. I should have deferred some of the praise to my boss and our Treasurer but I don't like speaking in front of a bunch of people too much so I just accepted it. Yes, this sometimes fuck up actually had a shining moment. Doesn't happen too often, just glad it happened on the work front.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Friday, May 08, 2009
Cubs Fans in Town
Brewers are playing the Cubs this weekend which means Milwaukee will be flooded with flatlanders. We really don't like those people. My favorite disc jockey was just on the air. In the sincerest tone, "And for all you Cubs fans in town, if you're looking for a good watering hole be sure to check out La Cage." He failed to mention anything about it being a gay bar.
Excused
Everyone has their own physical limitations. I was watching "Deadliest Catch" the other day. The captain had been manning the boat for 32 hours straight. The dude looked half dead when he decided he'd had enough and took a nap. That's impressive to me. But that's his job and I'm sure he had a lot of money on the line. While he was awake all that time, he was just sitting behind the wheel looking for his pods. Not a whole lot of physical exertion. On the flip side, would you ask a guy in a wheel chair to be one of your deck hands? One of the most demanding, physical jobs in the world?
Sure, I'm 6'5", 230 lbs, and play with 90 lb dumbbells at least twice a week, but that doesn't mean Mr. No ACL can carry a case of water up two flights of stairs with ease. But yet I never say no when asked. I should be automatically excused from tasks like that.
Mr. Obama? Even though I didn't vote for you, can you send me about $3,000 out of all that stimulus money you're tossing around so I can pay the deductible for my knee surgery? Actually, the money isn't that big of a deal, although I would like to keep it invested while the market is going up (IGNCX up 17% in the last 30 days!). Maybe you could just give me the courage to go through with it and send your sexiest female aide to help me get around and wash my balls? Oh, and a limo; my Jeep's a stick shift.
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Sure, I'm 6'5", 230 lbs, and play with 90 lb dumbbells at least twice a week, but that doesn't mean Mr. No ACL can carry a case of water up two flights of stairs with ease. But yet I never say no when asked. I should be automatically excused from tasks like that.
Mr. Obama? Even though I didn't vote for you, can you send me about $3,000 out of all that stimulus money you're tossing around so I can pay the deductible for my knee surgery? Actually, the money isn't that big of a deal, although I would like to keep it invested while the market is going up (IGNCX up 17% in the last 30 days!). Maybe you could just give me the courage to go through with it and send your sexiest female aide to help me get around and wash my balls? Oh, and a limo; my Jeep's a stick shift.
Hotmail® has ever-growing storage! Don't worry about storage limits. Check it out.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
New Blog!!!
So today I was thinking about starting a new blog, something unique to the blog world. With the way my knee has been feeling lately I thought “Left Leg Amputee Survivor” would be a good one but since I actually do have a tib and fib I can’t really call myself an amputee. That would be like calling retarded people retards (I guess that’s a big no-no nowadays). Besides that I’d probably get a lot of hits from people searching for “left wing” and those people and I certainly don’t get along. Somewhat along the same lines, “Walking on Three Legs” would be another good one but my member really isn’t all that big so that one went out the door. “I Beat Off Every Day,” can you imagine what kind of cult following that would have? Scary thought. But then it hit me. With everything happening around the world and in the news, I came up with the single most unique blog topic that I can call my claim to fame, “Survivor of the Swine Flu Epidemic.” I'm sure I'm the only one who's survived this bug.
Morgan Stanley – Customer Service
Hi, B to the…, account# XXX-XXXXXX, on 4-17 the fund solution program made a $XX,XXX transaction buying Pimco Total Return (PTTAX) which has cash holdings of 83% and bond holdings of 16%. I might as well stick cash in my mattress. Probably sleep better at night. Can I dump PTTAX and replace it with an equal holding in Nuveen Tradewinds Value Opportunities (NVOAX)? Thanks.
B to the…
[my phone number]
I emailed that off to two people at Morgan Stanley that I have connections with through work. I haven't heard back from either of them and I still own Pimco, which has gone up a penny while Nuveen has gone up 5.5% since I sent the email. Kind of makes me appreciate the FA and all he does, even though he used the term "circle jerk" in a sentence last week - haven't heard that in years. Maybe I'm not hanging out with the right crowd.
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Friday, May 01, 2009
Selena Roberts, “A-Rod”
On Dan Patrick's radio interview, Selena Roberts said that based on the sudden improvement in his bench press (from 100 to 310) in just six months in high school, and "in conjunction with the reporting that I did with [his high school] teammates would make it irrefutable to me, not a 'may have,' " that Rodriguez took performance-enhancing drugs in high school.
She’s a reporter for Sports Illustrated, has a book coming out with HarperCollins, supposedly did her research on all this weightlifting and steroid stuff, but yet she doesn’t know anything about the weight room culture? To get the weights to add up to 310 you’d need the bar with two 45 lb plates, a 35 lb plate, a 5 lb plate and a 2.5 lb plate on each side. Nobody is going to go through that much work to get 310. They’re either going to do 305 or 315 (three 45 lb plates on each side). Men don’t put 2.5 lb plates on the bar when they are bench pressing.
Safe bet none of those limp-wrist editors at HarperCollins would have caught the blunder. That being said, if something as simple as adding a couple weight plates is off, what else in her new book is not to be believed?
She’s a reporter for Sports Illustrated, has a book coming out with HarperCollins, supposedly did her research on all this weightlifting and steroid stuff, but yet she doesn’t know anything about the weight room culture? To get the weights to add up to 310 you’d need the bar with two 45 lb plates, a 35 lb plate, a 5 lb plate and a 2.5 lb plate on each side. Nobody is going to go through that much work to get 310. They’re either going to do 305 or 315 (three 45 lb plates on each side). Men don’t put 2.5 lb plates on the bar when they are bench pressing.
Safe bet none of those limp-wrist editors at HarperCollins would have caught the blunder. That being said, if something as simple as adding a couple weight plates is off, what else in her new book is not to be believed?
Monday, April 27, 2009
Plane Ticket in Hand
In Germany, Berlin's "Pussy Club" has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing "flat rate" -- a 70-euro ($90) admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.
"You've got to come up with creative solutions these days," said club manager Stefan, who requested his surname not be published. "We're feeling the economic crisis, too, even though business has fortunately been more or less okay for us so far.
"Our offer might sound like it's too good to be true, but it's real. You can eat as much as you want, drink as much as you want and have as much sex as you want."
I hope they serve chicken wings. That's one trip I'm definately going to come home fat and happy from.
"You've got to come up with creative solutions these days," said club manager Stefan, who requested his surname not be published. "We're feeling the economic crisis, too, even though business has fortunately been more or less okay for us so far.
"Our offer might sound like it's too good to be true, but it's real. You can eat as much as you want, drink as much as you want and have as much sex as you want."
I hope they serve chicken wings. That's one trip I'm definately going to come home fat and happy from.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Friday Afternoon
Had to take a little time off of work today as its 82 degrees and sunny as a mother fucker. On the deck, cooler full of beer, gotta take it when you can get it.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
NCAA Rules
If you can actually call something this slack a rule:
College hoops was rescued from a long talent drain when in 2005 the NBA enacted an age limit that prohibited American players, but not foreigners, from entering the draft until one year after their high school class graduated.
That has led to a push of young stars in college basketball for one year, even if their commitment to being a "student-athlete" is often dubious. To be eligible for a season, a kid needs to earn just two D's in the fall semester. He can fail, or not even show up for, every other class his freshman year and drop out immediately after the season.
I'd like to see Michael Beasly's and Kevin Durrant's report cards for their second (and last) semester in college.
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College hoops was rescued from a long talent drain when in 2005 the NBA enacted an age limit that prohibited American players, but not foreigners, from entering the draft until one year after their high school class graduated.
That has led to a push of young stars in college basketball for one year, even if their commitment to being a "student-athlete" is often dubious. To be eligible for a season, a kid needs to earn just two D's in the fall semester. He can fail, or not even show up for, every other class his freshman year and drop out immediately after the season.
I'd like to see Michael Beasly's and Kevin Durrant's report cards for their second (and last) semester in college.
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Wednesday, April 22, 2009
NFL Draft
I'm officially protesting ESPN until after the NFL draft is over. Those mock drafts only mock the person watching them.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Jury Duty
I was selected for jury duty this Monday and Tuesday. They sent 27 of us up to one court where a guy was being charged with OWI. The judge asked all the jurors if they themselves or if someone in their family had been involved in an OWI incident. I raised my hand and the judge asked me to stand up. "Can you tell me more on what happened?"
"Sir, I was drunk and flipped my truck over in 2001."
"Do you consider that you have a drinking problem?"
"Yes Sir, I'm a recovering alcoholic."
"For how long?"
As I look at my watch, "Oh, about ten hours."
"Juror #25, you're dismissed."
Somebody...
I was watching Ron White's new show last night. Funniest joke, at least from my perspective, was: "I went out last night, fabulous restaurant, and had a couple too many beverages. And you know what? When I woke up the next morning someone had shit my pants. I don't know who did it but I know he eats a lot of corn."
I think that's happened to me too because I can't believe it was actually me shitting myself all those times.
Friday, April 17, 2009
The Elevator Door Opened...
Inside were twelve beautiful ladies of color (my favorite!!!). The elevator was small. I was surprised they all fit in there.
"As much as I'd love to squeeze in there with all you lovely ladies, I'm a bit claustrophobic so I'll just wait for the next one."
They all giggled and smiled as the doors closed. Afterward I kicked myself for passing up free titty rubs over the course of nine flights in the jostling elevator.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Updates
Just to keep you informed…
I’ve learned that when women say they are going to return something at the mall it really means they are going to return an item, exchange an item for a different size, and browse the entire store.
The Saturday before my birthday I had a list of things to do. I wanted to buy some weights, pick up a new TV and go to Walmart before the Final Four games started. I wanted to hit G’s bar for the games and his awesome chicken wings. Well, I was still feeling a bit out of it from the previous night (not hungover but still intoxicated). I decided on not getting the weights (who wants to carry 90lb dumbbells when they’re drunk?) and really wasn’t in the mood for Colder’s and the TV (I hate salespeople). The Renter drove out to the mall and I sat at the mall bar while she did her thing. Now I know Lane Bryant is a big store but who can spend an hour in there? By the time she got done I was getting a little buzzed up (had won a couple hundred at the casino so I had no problem paying $3 a glass for some nice tasty amber beer). To my surprise she was pissed at me. “My feet hurt. I’ve been walking around all over for the past hour. I’m not going anywhere till you go and get the car.” Like I’m gonna drive. Why she didn’t wear tennis shoes I have no idea. Eventually she got over whatever it was and we hit G’s bar. Just before the game started the FA showed up. A little while later the old roommate arrived. Then Mr. Fudd and his girlfriend. Then Shaky D. Then the Pollack. The Renter had gone in my phone and gotten numbers for all my friends and invited them over for a little birthday get-together. Then I understood why she was mad at me for not doing the other errands: I was getting pretty loopy by halftime of the first game. Birthday shots didn’t help anything either. All in all a good day though.
I actually shit my pants that day trying to fart. You’d think I would have grown out of that by now.
I got scolded by the corner bar’s manager for not having a birthday party that I didn’t know about at her bar.
I eventually did end up getting a 37” TV from Walmart for the outside window facing the deck. It fills up the window frame perfectly. Now if only the weather would cooperate and warm up so I could sit out there.
I paid the Renter $300 for her $500 credit at Colder’s (appliance, furniture, TV store). I sucked it up one night after work and picked up a 22” TV for my bedroom. Now I feel like a glutton. I have the 61” in the living room, the 37” for the deck, the Renter’s 20” tube TV in the basement by the weight room and the 22” sitting in the box in my bedroom. I don’t even have a cable outlet in my bedroom. Yet. Funny thing is if I’m in bed I more than likely won’t have my contacts in and won’t be able to see the TV anyway.
The new workout looks like this:
Day One
Flat dumbbell press – 90lbs x 10
Incline dumbbell press – 70lbs x 10
Flys – 30lb x 10 followed by presses till failure
Chin-ups – whatever I weigh ? x 8
Pull-ups – whatever I weight ? x 8
Dumbbell rows – 90lbs x 10
Day Two
Dumbbell shoulder presses – 70lbs x 8
Upright rows – 125lbs x 8
Overhead tricep raises – 95lbs x 10
Curling bar curls – 95lbs x 10
Shoulder shrugs – 90lbs x 40
Sit-ups
I’ll do that for Monday and Tuesday and repeat it on Thursday and Friday. You wouldn’t think doing one set of everything would be enough but I’m sore for a good two days afterwards. After three weeks of using the 90lb dumbbells on the flat bench press I’ve gone from seven reps to ten. Must be doing something right.
Bank of B is sick of lending money and not getting paid back in a timely manner. I have two people who still owe me money for the NCAA pool and I’ve already paid out all the winners. Not that I need it, just the principle of it all.
I have the Renter benching 75 lbs ten times on the flat bench (barbell). The other day I think I actually saw a tricep. Great improvement.
I did someone’s taxes dating back to 2004. I don’t know how far back he will get reimbursed, but all five years came out to $3,400 for the fed and state combined. How much of that do you think I’ll see for all my time and effort? Probably the same as the NCAA people.
I broke down and bought a Playstation 2. They’re down to $100 brand new and I never really had a game station growing up besides the original Nintendo. I went to the used game place and picked up 15 games. Now I stay up till midnight playing Mortal Kombat. Last Friday I got up to the bar at 9:00 and people immediately asked why I was still sober. I now let a video games interfere with my drinking. That’s just fucked up.
I have more tidbits floating around in my head, just a matter of remembering them when they pop in there. Till that happens…
I’ve learned that when women say they are going to return something at the mall it really means they are going to return an item, exchange an item for a different size, and browse the entire store.
The Saturday before my birthday I had a list of things to do. I wanted to buy some weights, pick up a new TV and go to Walmart before the Final Four games started. I wanted to hit G’s bar for the games and his awesome chicken wings. Well, I was still feeling a bit out of it from the previous night (not hungover but still intoxicated). I decided on not getting the weights (who wants to carry 90lb dumbbells when they’re drunk?) and really wasn’t in the mood for Colder’s and the TV (I hate salespeople). The Renter drove out to the mall and I sat at the mall bar while she did her thing. Now I know Lane Bryant is a big store but who can spend an hour in there? By the time she got done I was getting a little buzzed up (had won a couple hundred at the casino so I had no problem paying $3 a glass for some nice tasty amber beer). To my surprise she was pissed at me. “My feet hurt. I’ve been walking around all over for the past hour. I’m not going anywhere till you go and get the car.” Like I’m gonna drive. Why she didn’t wear tennis shoes I have no idea. Eventually she got over whatever it was and we hit G’s bar. Just before the game started the FA showed up. A little while later the old roommate arrived. Then Mr. Fudd and his girlfriend. Then Shaky D. Then the Pollack. The Renter had gone in my phone and gotten numbers for all my friends and invited them over for a little birthday get-together. Then I understood why she was mad at me for not doing the other errands: I was getting pretty loopy by halftime of the first game. Birthday shots didn’t help anything either. All in all a good day though.
I actually shit my pants that day trying to fart. You’d think I would have grown out of that by now.
I got scolded by the corner bar’s manager for not having a birthday party that I didn’t know about at her bar.
I eventually did end up getting a 37” TV from Walmart for the outside window facing the deck. It fills up the window frame perfectly. Now if only the weather would cooperate and warm up so I could sit out there.
I paid the Renter $300 for her $500 credit at Colder’s (appliance, furniture, TV store). I sucked it up one night after work and picked up a 22” TV for my bedroom. Now I feel like a glutton. I have the 61” in the living room, the 37” for the deck, the Renter’s 20” tube TV in the basement by the weight room and the 22” sitting in the box in my bedroom. I don’t even have a cable outlet in my bedroom. Yet. Funny thing is if I’m in bed I more than likely won’t have my contacts in and won’t be able to see the TV anyway.
The new workout looks like this:
Day One
Flat dumbbell press – 90lbs x 10
Incline dumbbell press – 70lbs x 10
Flys – 30lb x 10 followed by presses till failure
Chin-ups – whatever I weigh ? x 8
Pull-ups – whatever I weight ? x 8
Dumbbell rows – 90lbs x 10
Day Two
Dumbbell shoulder presses – 70lbs x 8
Upright rows – 125lbs x 8
Overhead tricep raises – 95lbs x 10
Curling bar curls – 95lbs x 10
Shoulder shrugs – 90lbs x 40
Sit-ups
I’ll do that for Monday and Tuesday and repeat it on Thursday and Friday. You wouldn’t think doing one set of everything would be enough but I’m sore for a good two days afterwards. After three weeks of using the 90lb dumbbells on the flat bench press I’ve gone from seven reps to ten. Must be doing something right.
Bank of B is sick of lending money and not getting paid back in a timely manner. I have two people who still owe me money for the NCAA pool and I’ve already paid out all the winners. Not that I need it, just the principle of it all.
I have the Renter benching 75 lbs ten times on the flat bench (barbell). The other day I think I actually saw a tricep. Great improvement.
I did someone’s taxes dating back to 2004. I don’t know how far back he will get reimbursed, but all five years came out to $3,400 for the fed and state combined. How much of that do you think I’ll see for all my time and effort? Probably the same as the NCAA people.
I broke down and bought a Playstation 2. They’re down to $100 brand new and I never really had a game station growing up besides the original Nintendo. I went to the used game place and picked up 15 games. Now I stay up till midnight playing Mortal Kombat. Last Friday I got up to the bar at 9:00 and people immediately asked why I was still sober. I now let a video games interfere with my drinking. That’s just fucked up.
I have more tidbits floating around in my head, just a matter of remembering them when they pop in there. Till that happens…
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Mets Opener
Was it just me or did Mike Piazza look totally gay when he caught the opening pitch from Tom Seaver?
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Is This What the World is Coming To?
From the Milwaukee Journal/Sentinal:
Danyell Johnson was sitting in his car in the 2300 block of N. 47th St. sending a text message to his girlfriend March 16 when a man with a pistol showed up demanding money, according to a criminal complaint.
Johnson, 30, handed over $400 and was shot repeatedly by the gunman who walked off, the complaint states.
Johnson began to yell for his mother when the gunman returned and asked, "Are you still alive?"
The gunman then fired two more shots.
Marques D. Roundtree, 25, of Milwaukee has been charged with armed robbery and attempted first degree intentional homicide in the attack on Johnson. If convicted, he faces up to 40 years in prison and a fine of up to $100,000 in connection with robbery; up to 60 years for the attempted murder.
I can't even comment on this horrific act. Feel free to leave your thoughts.
Danyell Johnson was sitting in his car in the 2300 block of N. 47th St. sending a text message to his girlfriend March 16 when a man with a pistol showed up demanding money, according to a criminal complaint.
Johnson, 30, handed over $400 and was shot repeatedly by the gunman who walked off, the complaint states.
Johnson began to yell for his mother when the gunman returned and asked, "Are you still alive?"
The gunman then fired two more shots.
Marques D. Roundtree, 25, of Milwaukee has been charged with armed robbery and attempted first degree intentional homicide in the attack on Johnson. If convicted, he faces up to 40 years in prison and a fine of up to $100,000 in connection with robbery; up to 60 years for the attempted murder.
I can't even comment on this horrific act. Feel free to leave your thoughts.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Pizza Hut Panormous
I was watching the NCAA final (boring) but couldn't help noticing the Pizza Hut ads showing their Panormous pizza for $10. When they first came out I think I was paying $18 for them; they're a steal at $10. But, as with all good things, if you eat too much of it you will be paying for it later. Especially if your stomach doesn't handle dairy products that well. I swear I spent half of today on the shitter.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Burress to Play?
Fox Sports poll today, will Plaxico Burress play in the NFL this season? 23,000 votes, 50% said yes, 50% said no. What the fuck are the "yes" people thinking? The guy's looking at 3.5 years in prison. My question would be if he will ever play again! He and Vick will be working construction together. (By the way, what idiot lawyer came up with the idea of a construction job that pays $10 an hour?)
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Basement Stairs
She was a big one. A heifer. Had to weigh a good 300 pounds. I took her in the basement hoping my mercy-fucking wouldn’t wake the Renter up. Actually, I’m not sure if I was doing the mercy-fucking or if she was; she was kind of cute from the neck up but God was she fat. There was just one problem: the basement steps. My basement steps take a right angle halfway down. I don’t know who built them but their construction is a bit shoddy. With every step she took the stairs creaked and groaned. Great, I thought, here I’m going to have some orca fall through my steps and I’m going to have some huge claim on my homeowners insurance. Was sex with this blimp-o really worth all that?
Actually, it was really just me carrying my new 90 lb dumbbells into the basement, one at a time of course. But those stairs certainly had me worried.
Actually, it was really just me carrying my new 90 lb dumbbells into the basement, one at a time of course. But those stairs certainly had me worried.
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