Electric Bill

Remember the rope light the Renter picked up so I could leave it on at night and be able to find my way out of my bedroom at night? Well, I figured something wad up when I'd touch it in the morning and it would be warm. In case you didn't know, any electrical device that generates heat also is using/wasting a lot of energy. Well, I got my most recent electrical bill and it was $30 higher than the last one. Granted their were a couple warm days in there where I had to turn the A/C on but that wouldn't cause such a big swing. Is it worth $1 a night to find my way out of my room? Mid-life crisis: leave the light on and pay for it on the bill or turn it off and possibly pee myself when I can't find the door. Looks like I'll go back to pissing myself. Oh, hey, any kinky ladies out there? I'm sure I could satisfy somebody's weird fantasies without altering my daily life.


UPDATE!!! After Snoop in CA asked if I really was that cheap, the answer would be no. I'm a numbers guy. Usually the bill is $70 so the $30 extra is a 42% increase. Are you going to tell me people aren't going to bitch and complain when they buy gas for $2.40 on day and $3.41 the next? That's a 42% increase.

Also keep in mind that not everything on this blog is true. I only peed myself once (lie).

Oh, and on the cheap part, I had my friends rolling a week ago. I had made chicken legs/thighs and had skinned them so they wouldn't flame up on the grill. Well, after a couple days the skins started to smell. That's an understatement; the whole kitchen stunk. My friend asked why I hadn't taken the garbage out yet. I told him the bag wasn't full yet. Can't go and waste a garbage bag just because it stinks a little.

Brookfield's Greatest Ponzi Scheme...

Oh, the FA. You all know him or have heard of him. You know that guy who’s always quick to point out his new waterfall or new home theater in his basement? Yeah, well some magazine decided they were going to honor a bunch of financial advisors and God knows why or how but the FA ended up being mentioned under the heading of “Celebrating the Greatest Ponzi Scheme in Waukesha County!” I don’t know how he got nominated. If they had called me I might have given him a 7.5 on his blowjobs but I don’t think the 13% returns he got me before this whole “I decided to stop paying my mortgage” crisis happened would really earn him this nomination. (Really, before all this crap started happening I was getting 12%-14% nearly every year, making me wonder about the Ponzi scheme. Oh, and I fucked up, I would have given the FA’s wife a 7.5, the FA was only a 4.) In reality he does a good job but they didn’t have to stroke his ego to make it even bigger than it is. I haven’t seen him this high since he got that penis enlargement surgery a couple years back.

Being the good financial advisor that he is he held a dinner get-together for his clients in celebration of this honor. He reserved a room at a rather nice Italian restaurant in Waukesha and had a never ending table of fine Italian food for his guests. More importantly he had a quarter barrel of beer and free wine for the ladies. I don’t know who won the race, the Renter with a plate of food or me with two beers in my hands. It was a close tie. They even had two big screen TVs in the room on which the FA had the Brewers game playing (a much needed infusion of baseball after the All Star break). I was bound and determined to finish off the barrel. Then Renter knew the rules; we weren’t leaving till there wasn’t any beer left. And boy did I make a good effort. The party wrapped up around 8:00. The Renter and I carried four beers out to the bar to watch the last of the game and the FA brought out a full pitcher. 9:00 came, the game was over, the barrel wasn’t empty but yours truly was done. Hardcore slamming for three hours pretty much did me in.

This morning I woke up with a swollen ankle. Apparently after the Renter and I left the restaurant we hit Walmart in hopes of getting a new fire pit for the deck. I remember the Renter making abrupt turns in Walmart and me bumping into her.

Today I’m visibly limping but I have a container with about 30 mozzarella sticks in it.


Congratulations, FA, oh, and that $5k check for the Roth is in the mail (fifth time I've told him this).

Swinging for the Fence

You can't tell me that, even with a driver the same size as his mellon, that Sir Charles is going to make contact with the ball.

Mail Call

Renter: Why did you open the wedding invitation?

Me: Because it had my name on it.

Renter: What was the color of the inside of the envelope?

?????????????????

Me: I don't know, the outside was brown.

Renter: Don't open up my mail!

The inside of an envelope?

Keeper

My buddy the Slovack displaying his great catch.

Gone Fishing

Last Saturday I went on a little fishing trip with Mr. Slovack and the Renter. Oh, and we took the puppy along, too. The morning started out rough as I was still feeling it from the night before. Eventually I made up my mind and the Slovack showed up around noon, boat and trailer all hooked up.

We made our way about 30 minutes west with a stop at the Bait Shop (fishing licenses) and at some tavern on the way (Slovack was hoping someone he knew was working). Around 1:00 we finally got the boat in the water. After five minutes of trying to get the motor started, with numerous people watching us, the Slovack finally got it going and we were off – minus one little detail. The puppy didn’t like the sound of the motor or something and decided to bail only to find out the dock which used to be right next to the boat was no longer there. Sploosh, six inches under she went! I reached down and scooped her up with one arm and got my own lake water bath as she shook most of it off right at my feet. Ten minutes in to the excursion and I already had a shivering puppy.

The Slovack started out across the lake with him driving and the Renter and I sitting slightly behind him. This didn’t work too well with our fat asses so far back and the nose of the boat was pointing skyward so I moved up to the front to level everything out, holding the puppy for a little extra weight (eight pounds). The Slovack decided to show off his 50 hp motor and within no time we were flying around the lake with me trying to keep both myself and the puppy from getting bumped off. Eventually he settled it down and the poles came out.

After having my pole in the water for five minutes I had multiple nibbles, an encouraging sign. Little did I know that those would be the only nibbles I’d get for the remaining six hours. That kind of put a damper on the whole fishing thing but it was still fun being out in the boat with numerous pontoon boats floating by with chicks in bikinis. I had a cooler full of ice cold beer so I was set.

When it came time to get the boat out of the water the Renter and I got out in order to lighten the load. As the Slovack was making his attempt to center it on the trailer I decided to give him a helping hand and guide it in from the dock. With my toes over the edge and hand on the boat I almost had it perfectly lined up – till I lost my balance. Even though it was only two feet deep I subconsciously made the decision that I was going for the boat. I jumped landing with my beltline on the edge of the boat. My feet dangled in the air as I tried to get the rest of my body on the boat. Needless to say there were again numerous people there to observe and chuckle. I managed to get back on and the Slovack hit the trailer dead on with his second attempt.

I should have just gone in the water. Sunday I had bruises on my hips and arms. One of the anchor hooks wound up precariously close to my man goods. The black and blue mark on my right hip sends searing pain through my body with less than ten pounds of pressure (puppy weight).

No bluegills, just black and blue.

HR Derby

How come you don't see any broken bats during the home run derby?

Release!!!

Donte Stallworth got out of jail today. Who's gonna bust out the Petrone with me?

Above the Law

Donte’ Stallworth:
“I seen him in the street and I flashed my lights at him to let him at least know I was coming. I tried to swerve over as much as I could. If he would have completely stopped and not kept going… don’t know why he kept going.” If you had time to flash your lights you certainly had time to put your foot on the break. Just because someone is jaywalking in front of your Bently doesn’t give your arrogant ass the right to hit them.

Fellow teammate Braylon Edwards was at the club with Stallworth. Edwards’ tab: $3,443. Stallworth’s tab: $465. Edwards spent $695 on Grey Goose vodka. Last time I checked you could buy a bottle for $30 at your local convenience store. Who the fuck drops that kind of cash on alcohol in a club? Mr. Goodell, those would be your boys.

Oh, and hard to believe, Stallworth also tested positive for marijuana. After Mr. Goodell colors in his latest application of Just For Men (he should buy stock in that company if he hasn’t already) he should go out and buy a new set of shoes because I don’t think he’ll be able to retrieve the one that he sticks up Donte’s ass.

Little Guy

How this little guy ended up in my three foot high garbage container I'll never know, but he's free now, in the neighbor's yard of course.

Stocking Up For the Fourth

I think I might have overdone it a bit, but you first have to understand how things work around here. While all my friends have cell phones, I rarely get phone calls, or texts for that matter. Nope, my friends, if it's nice outside, they know I'll be outside on the deck. And they know for damn sure that I'll have ice cold beer in the cooler. So they just drop by whenever knowing they're always welcome. Well, this morning I went out and stocked up. I found 30-packs of Natural Light for $12 so I picked up four of those. I also got five frozen pizzas, 20 hot dogs, hamburger meat, chicken legs/thighs (.99 a pound!), and all the complementary condements. The total bill for everything was $107. Having not officially invited anyone over I think I might have to make some phone calls because there's no way I can eat all that food by myself. The beer, sure, if not this weekend then next (couple of days). And for some reason the Renter flipped out on me a couple days ago so who knows what her status is.

I will say one thing though. My friendly Habib who calls me "boss" and enables me in my drinking ways to the tune of $14.50 a 30-pack won't be seeing me for a while. Sorry, buddy, but Pick N Save is $2.50 cheaper and when I'm giving out beers to my low life friends they are going to be the cheapest thing available.

Friers Off

Why would my favorite bartender turn the deep friers off at 10:45? Could have used some chicken wings.

Puppy Paw...

On my leg as we sit outside.

J.R. Smith

The proud owner of this pose is going to jail for 30 days for running a stop sign and killing his friend. I think he should get another 30 just for this idiotic gesture.

Reason for the Previous Post

Yep, that'd be me sitting on a Harley Davidson last summer. I started looking at the Sportster model but those weren't nearly big enough for me. The one in the picture is a Hard Tail, a bit bigger than the Sportster. I fell in love with a different Hard Tail that had a lower seat and felt stretched out a bit, enough room for my monkey-like arms (but check out that tricep definition!). The sticker price was $13,000 and they were knocking off $2,000 because it was a 2007 model. I've thought about this long and hard since then. I've checked the credit cards hoping for a 4% balance transfer till paid off offer but it seems those are history. I currently have about $4,500 under one of those deals but at such a low rate I'm not in any hurry to pay it off. you'd think the stock market would beat 4% after everything that's happened lately. I'd love to get a bike, could probably get one pretty cheap now, but for as much as I haggle with my budget spreadsheet (which includes every payment I've made since 2003), I can't bring myself to add on a big ticket item like a motorcycle. Maybe that will be my 35th birthday present to myself, three long years away.

I sure do look happy sitting on that Hog, don't I?

$99,000

I was browsing around on my various credit card websites when I decided to add up the total that these companies think that I'm good for. $99,000 even. Don't you think that's odd? With odd credit limits of $14,300 and $19,700 and the like the total came to a grand under $100k. Not that I would ever need that much or would ever allow myself to get that deep into debt, but still. I think Mr. Obama (or one of his minions) has his finger squarely placed over that little button with my face on it.

Memory

I recently bought an 8 gb memory card for my cell phone. I now have 13 hours of porn available on my phone and it's only 45% full. How fucking sweet is that? (literally!) It's actually more like 11.5 hours of quality stuff; the one that has to be from the 80's doesn't have a clean poon in it and all the dudes are sporting mustaches.

Swimmin'

Went out and bought this 4ft wide pool today for $5. Originally I thought Puppy would like it on hot days but she detests water. So now I use it. Kind of like my own personal testicle cooler.

Should have gotten the bigger, deeper one for $10.

Child's Play

After starting the evening/afternoon festivities at 1:00, you can imagine that by 8:00 I was pretty much done. As I headed to my bedroom door the Renter cranked the volume on the stereo. This is the kind of childish behavior I've had to put up with lately.

Professional Beer Taster

How much does that job pay?