Heard last night...

I'm gonna pee on you if you don't show me to the bathroom! I don't remember any of that, of course.

GM/Chrysler Boozoes

I heard from a friend this weekend that he knew someone who worked for one of the auto companies in the news who was making $70,000 a year dusting light bulbs. Dusting light bulbs!!! You always hear those jokes, "How many women does it take to change a light bulb?" This guy wasn't allowed to change a light bulb. He had to call someone else (who probably made even more money) to handle that job. And you wonder why they're losing money.

America’s Worst Lunches

Found this on msn.com today:

Chili’s

Crispy Sweet Chile Glazed Chicken Crispers

1,930 calories

112 g fat

4,190 mg sodium

Calorie equivalent: like eating an entire medium Pizza Hut 12” pepperoni pizza.



I almost finished a large Pizza Hut pan style pepperoni all by myself on Saturday.

DeMarre Carroll...

...should have fouled out of the Marq/Mizz game. Not once, but twice. That "aggressive, hustle" play I saw on Sunday was nothing other than one team's star player being allowed to put a forearm on anyone at any time. Horrible officiating. If only Memphis still had Joey Dorsey to put Carrol on his ass.

The Aftermath

I drank for over twelve hours yesterday. 10:30 to ?, who knows, well after 10:30 at night though. There were a couple breaks taken, maybe 30 minutes to play blackjack (up $200!), another 30 to buy some shorts and a retro Brewers hat (which I've wanted for like ever!). All in all a good day.

And today?

Just more of the same.

God my life sucks.

He, he!

Thursday, March 19th, 2009

Off to Champs on Mooreland for the opening day tournament games. Meet me there for some good times, good beer, and chicken wings that will make your head sweat.

Obama's Picks

Email to the FA: I like Obama's picks down to the Final Four, but I'd have Pitt winning out. That doesn't make me a democrat, does it? Fuck, think I'd rather donate half my brain and be called a woman.

Golden Gophers

The Renter's pick to win it all, just because they have a cute mascot (or because she's from Minnesota, one or the other - either way, pretty much donating to someone's pool).

A Little Politics For You - Updated

A couple days ago my front doorbell rang. I opened the door to find a semi-attractive college girl standing on my front step.

(CG=College Girl, not Call Girl you sickos.)

CG: Hi, I’m from the Citizen Action of Wisconsin. That’s a cute dog you have there.

Me: Thank you. Name’s Killer.

CG: As you probably already know the cost of health insurance premiums and deductibles are skyrocketing from year to year. We’re asking you to sign a petition for affordable health insurance premiums so everyone can get health insurance for the same price that our legislators do.

Me: Everyone?

CG: Yes.

Me: Don’t the legislators work for a living to get those benefits?

CG: (silence)

Me: Yeah, no thank you. Sounds like that would end up costing me more money.

CG takes the clipboard back and turns to leave.

Me: Let me guess, you voted for the socialist like everyone else, right?

She turned and looked back at me with a baffled expression. I don’t think she knew what socialism is.

Update in response to a couple comments I received.

Straight from Wikipedia: Socialism refers to a broad set of economic theories of social organization advocating public or state ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods, and a society characterized by equality for all individuals, with a fair or egalitarian method of compensation.

"Equality for all individuals?" Wouldn't that be like affordable health care for all? And all the money sent out in the bailout package? You don't think the government now has a stake in these companies? Wake up people.

Top Secret

I snuck in through the back door. I knew I didn’t have much time to find what I was looking for. I had enlisted the services of Madam Svetlanna to occupy him, giving me more time to dig around, but let’s face it: Madam Svetlanna is good at what she does, maybe too good. He wouldn’t be out of the office for long. I turned on my flashlight and went down the hall. After a little searching I saw the filing cabinet I was looking for. I tested the top drawer and let out a sigh of relief; it wasn’t locked. To my dismay the files weren’t arranged alphabetically but in more of a haphazard way, probably in order of what was most important to him. Finding what I needed wasn’t going to be easy. I heard a noise from down the hall and quickly turned off my flashlight. I peered around the corner and didn’t see anything. I went back and opened the second drawer. My sources, my contractor, had informed me that what they wanted me to retrieve was most certainly in front of me so I continued to search. I pulled file after file, folder after folder, examining each one and carefully replacing it in exactly the same spot I had found it. I looked at my watch as I dug into the third drawer. He would be returning soon. I had almost given up hope when…

The stupid games I play, at age 31, to make a boring task like filing into something a bit more interesting. But hey, it worked.

Philip John Clapp

...also known as Johhny Knoxville, turned 38 today. How time flies.

I'd have a stage name too if my last name was Clapp.

Mr. Stinky

I found myself sitting at the corner bar on Sunday night not wanting to move around too much. You see, I had been cleaning and moving stuff around on Sunday in a general effort to make the house presentable. It’s not like I was planning a party or anything, but I’m really not much of a clean freak, quite the opposite really. The house needed it, especially after the new furniture arrived on Saturday and was sitting there in my living room looking all new and pretty. So let’s just say I had a semi-active weekend.

There I sat Sunday night. I knew I probably didn’t smell too good after completing the ritual which has come to be known as “No Shower Sundays.” But this weekend, man, I’m ashamed to admit, but No Shower Sunday expanded to No Shower Weekend. After waking up early Saturday morning and moving stuff around to make room for the new furniture I went straight to the bar for some food. Saturday evening included a trip to Walmart, Target, another bar, the casino, and my favorite diner for breakfast. Sunday was the cleaning. All this went on while I was wearing the same shorts, shirt, socks and underwear that I had on Friday morning at 8:00 am. I even slept in said articles of clothing so they never even came out of contact with my body. Oh, and I’m sure the Renter will tell you, I had some bad ass gas that added to the funk that trailed behind me when I walked. I think my socks could have walked on their own.

There I sat, Sunday night, and two chairs over was some really friendly chick with some really inviting looking boobies slightly spilling out of her low-cut top who was chatting it up with the bartender and all I could think about was if my cloud of odor had drifted as far over as where she was sitting or, even worse, if I started talking to her if she’d move over closer to me, and hence, closer to gagging on my lap.

I sat still and tried to not say much.

Yeah, ladies, I'm surprisingly single and available.

FA Down and Out

"This economy, man, it's worse than getting a divorce. I've lost half of my assets under management and I still have my wife."

Somebody Should Do the Math

About the Milwaukee County Transit System:

 

"The installation of video cameras on buses has been an important security improvement, she said. Vivid footage from those cameras showing assaults on drivers and passengers and aired on local television also led to the audit request.

 

The audit found 3,216 calls for service by drivers - anything from fights to snowballs thrown at buses to rousting sleeping passengers - in 2008.

 

With 1.35 million bus trips and an average busload of 38, that translates to a 99.76% chance that passengers won't face any problems riding the bus, the audit said."

 

Ok, what?  "With 1.35 million bus trips and an average busload of 38…"  It doesn't matter what the busload is.  3,216 calls divided by 1.35 million is .0023 which gives you the 99.76% figure.

 

Stupid fucking journalists.

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Filling Out Your Bracket This Year?

Make sure it says "2009 NCAA Tournament" on it. The FA and I were cracking up today about giving the Renter the one from last year just to see if she'd notice.

Reader Comments Funnier Than Site Content?

Joo's comments--now with helpful links!

Sex wedge (if you don't know what this is for, you need to get laid more often, ahem): http://www.therightposition.com/

Halls commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZfaDXIzwcQ

Really? I would not want to be compared to that woman. That's kinda harsh.

Don't Touch

I'm almost 32-years-old and I've recently become aware of the fact that I don't like people touching me. Seriously, cringe-like reactions. Uncontrollable cringe-like reactions. I can take a slap to the back as a form of greeting but if that hand stays on me for more than a second I get very uncomfortable. The finger poke irritates the fuck out of me. My favorite seat at the bar is at the unused waitress station that has railings on each side keeping possible perpetrators at bay. I just don't like being touched.

And half the time I'm at home I have my hand down my pants. Go figure.

Sex Wedge

Over the weekend I rented Burn After Reading, that supposedly funny movie with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and John Malkovich. I’ll agree it wasn’t a bad movie, if you have the right sense of humor, which I have, but it wasn’t all that great by any means. The funniest part for me was when Clooney broke it off with Malkovich’s ex-wife. The picture showed him going up stairs and then it switched to her with her eyes following the sound of his footsteps as he walked down the hall to the bedroom and back. Then you saw him going back down the steps with the sex wedge in hand. Cracked me the fuck up! Want to know what made it even more funny?

Renter: What was he carrying?

The following conversation was something straight out of grade school. I told her it was a sex wedge. She persistently asked me what it was for. I refused. She quit talking to me. I said, “Oh, double bonus!” which made her even more mad. I went to work.

How do you explain what a sex wedge is used for to a 34-year-old woman? Women must not read the right kind of magazines.

(Oh, and has anyone seen the new Halls commercials on ESPN? No lying, I get text messages and phone calls from friends when that one comes on because of the resemblance to the Renter. Way too funny.)

Cig Tax Outrage

Gov. Jim Doyle's proposed budget: $1.4 billion in tax increases.  The tax increases include: $540 million paid from oil company profits; $318 million by creating a new 7.75% tax rate for the richest 1% of taxpayers; $290 million in higher taxes on cigarette smokers; $215 million in higher corporate income taxes; and more than $85 million paid on capital gains.

 

"My budget stands up for the people who earn regular paychecks and the people who, through no fault of their own, have lost theirs," Doyle said.

 

I know I'm a bit conservative being from the Midwest and all, and I'm a smoker, but why hit all the "people who earn regular paychecks" with an additional $.75 a pack tax when you could hit up the highest 2.5% of taxpayers with his new 7.75% tax rate?  I mean Christ, the $400 that Obama is sending me is going straight to the state of Wisconsin.  And now New York wants to put a sales tax on porn downloads?  Stimulus package?  Stimulate this, mother fuckers!  [picture of me holding my nine inch cock in my hands with a very menacing scowl on my face] 

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Business Proposal

You know when you go to sleep and your brain just keeps on whizzing along, thinking of shit like work or your family or when’s the next time you’re going to get laid? Lately I’ve had work on my mind. I don’t know if it’s because of all the shit that’s going on in the world or what have you but I never used to think about work at home. I’d punch out at 5:00 and look forward to the evening without giving a rat’s ass about what I was working on 30 minutes ago. I liked that. But now, shit, its either this report needs to go out or I need to set up a meeting with this person – the list seems never ending. That’s what I think about as I fall asleep. When I wake up its like I never even left the office.

But this will change soon, my friends. You see, I have this little scheme up my sleeve that’s going to be worth a boat load of money. You know how when you get married you aren’t supposed to have sex with anyone but your spouse? My plan, while still in the making, revolves around having sex with married people and then milking them for some hush money. I used to be very good with the ladies. All it took was some effort and a lot of lies. The best thing was it didn’t take me long to get their clothes off. So, in this new business proposal I’m guessing I could “sign up” two new clients every week. Just think, after six months of hard work I could have 48 clients. At least one of those bitches would have cash at any given moment so her husband wouldn’t find out that she had the best sex of her life with me. Best ever!

After I get that all established and I’m making enough to live within my means, then its time for stage two of the plan. (I love it when a plan comes together! – Hannibal Smith, The A-Team) Some people might hire an accomplice, a woman, who would work in coordination with your efforts: she sleeps with the husband while I sleep with the wife and collect money from both of them. But when you think of it, how hard is it to hide payments from your spouse? And now you want both of them to do it? Besides, the well would dry up pretty quickly if that were to happen. So, I ask you, what could be worse? What could bring in the real payday? Are you ready? I’m not sure I am. How about the wife coming home from work, getting the mail, and finding pictures of her husband all wide-eyed as he’s doing me in the butt? Do you know how much that client would be willing to pay? Well, it better be a lot just for my pain and agony. [Sitting on the beach with a rum and Coke, stranger leans over] “So, what do you do for a living?” “I’m just a business man. You know how that goes, you screw some people over and sometimes you get fucked, too.”

Maybe I’ll just stick to the women part.

While my whole plan is almost certainly 99% illegal and the gas expense it would cost me to drive out to where the rich women live would be substantial, there is one plausible concept within all this: doing married women. Oh yes, married women are the best! Married women just want to fuck. They don’t want you to pick up their kids from school or get groceries or buy them shit. No, they just want what their husbands won’t give them: a good poking. Trust me on this one. I have first hand experience. That’s the lesson for the day. Class dismissed.