Chicken Alfredo Fail #2

The Renter made chicken alfredo on Sunday.  I ate my fair share, but as you all know, my system doesn't handle dairy products very well.

Monday morning, 9:00 am.  I let one slide.  Hoping to just release a little gas I instead let out the most foul smelling fart ever, at least as far as my professional career considered.

It stunk.  I prayed no one would walk into my office.  If no one walked into my office I would be ok, at least that's what I thought.

Co-worker: Why does it smell like a fart in here?

He was 20 ft away.  My fart had drifted out of my office and hit the common area.

I, of course, took full credit for my masterpiece.

75 degrees

My dog doesn't even know how much it's costing me to keep the house at 75 degrees.

It's 92 Fucking Degrees

I sat outside, watching the Brewers, and the A/C was kicking on every 10 minutes, and it was set at 80 degrees.  This heat wave is kicking my ass.

Roger Clemens, Not Guilty

While Roger Clemens may have been found not guilty of lying to Congress, he's 100% guilty of sporting a seriously bad haircut.

Tiger's 75

I think I caught all of 7 strokes from Tiger Woods.  Golf, the great nap enhancer.

Last Fuck

A female friend emailed me last Friday.

FF: 4:22 on a Friday and it's gorgeous outside... realy? (along with the attached e-card)

Me: You shouldn't give that out just because it's a Friday.  Hold out for dinner and a movie at least.

FF: Oh dear god!  B to the..., sometimes I have no words for you.

I, on the other hand, will give up my last fuck (wink) on any day of the week.

Deck

One of my peeps asked me recently, "Your deck is bigger than your living room?"  Yes, it is.

Dog Talker

My neighbor just caught me talking to my dog.  Thank goodness he didn't hear my dog talk back.  That would have been awkward.

Winnie Cooper

Did you guys hear? Winnie Cooper is back on the market!  Giddy up!

Chicken Alfredo Fail

The Renter and I went grocery shopping on Saturday.  I picked up the meat (chicken, steak, ground beef), the Renter got 20 other things she had coupons for.

Those 20 items took 30 minutes to find.

My system doesn't do that well with dairy products, but we had had chicken alfredo two weeks prior at Maggiano's and it was damn tasty.  The Renter tried her hand at making her own on Sunday.

Monday, driving to work, I let one slide.  The Renter was driving.  Within five seconds she smelled it.  I was laughing my ass off, a fart recognition that quickly was worth it.

Until she rolled up her window.

"You're going to have to live with this, too."

Not wanting to dissapate my handywork, I kept my window closed, too.  I started gaging.  My fart was so bad I couldn't stand it.

I've never gagged off my own fart.  I have had a girlfriend puke in my lap from someone else's fart, but not my own.

3:00 pm, Friday

Boss: You look like you're on vacation mode already.

I couldn't have looked drunk at 3:00 pm.  At least I don't think so.

I have the next ten days off from work.  Get ready for a slew of new posts.

That is, if I don't look like I'm on vacation.

Retarded Friend

I tell my co-workers about my retarded friend all the time and they just look at me weird.  I'm not sure if it's because "retarded" is not accepted anymore as a "retarded" way of describing something that is indeed "retarded" or the fact that they just take it for granted that I hang out with retards all the time.  I'm sure they think that's where I get my sense of fashion (or lack there of) from.  So anyway, my retarded friend got in trouble at work and had to write a letter to his boss.  After reading the above letter, you can see that he is indeed retarded.

American Idol Betting Odds

Phillip +105

Jessica +160

Joshua +220

Holly +2200

This astounds me.  I don't know how Phillip is still on there, and being the favorite to top it off.  I'd put money on Joshua before Jessica.  And for the record, the only reason I watch is because the Renter makes me.

That being said, here's to watching Phillip sing/take a shit on stage yet once again.  Somebody get him a laxative.

Ridiculousness

I don't like to admit it, but I have blown beer out of my nose more than once watching Dyrdek's Ridiculousness.  Granted I'm enjoying beer for most of the weekend, but I try to keep it in my mouth most of the time.

NBA Players Union

Looking at the list of the players on the Executive Committee, did they pick the short straw to be nominated to the committee?  Could you get less intelligent people in there?  Who's representing Kwame Brown and his $9 mil contract?

My Two Cents on Subway

On Fridays the cafeteria at my work is closed.  I love the cafeteria.  I usually eat breakfast, First Lunch, and Second Lunch there every day.  (Second Lunch is at 1:30 and the cafeteria lady usually loads up my plate verses throwing the food away.)  But yesterday, being a Friday, it was closed.  So I walked over to Subway.  They're having a special before 9:00 am, buy one get one free.  I ordered the bacon, egg and cheese on flat bread.  Two six inch sandwiches came to $3.98.  I gave the guy a $20.  He gave me $16 back.

"Thank you, have a good day."

I looked at him for a second, blew it off and walked out the door.  Halfway out the door I heard him open the register and put my $.02 in the tip jar.

Who does that?

I still made out on the deal as I got paid for sitting on the shitter for 30 minutes that afternoon.  I was going to walk to city hall but only made it to the first floor when I realized "Subway" wanted out, like right then and there.  Those jalapenoes burn the second time through.

In other news, I used to be 220/230.  220 lbs before drinking, 230 lbs after.  I know I've been pretty religous with the weights lately, and my pants still fit like usual, but Friday, after steaks and veggies and beer, I topped out at 240.  I thought it might have been a fluke but I confirmed it this morning with a weigh in at 230.  I hope to be back to 240 by 3:00 today, if you know what I'm saying.

I am a 3.5%er

I signed the 15 yr 3.5% refi today, will save me a boat load of money.  I'm just happy I qualified for it.  I celebrated with a ribeye from Sam's Club.  Actually a small celebration after I unloaded and had two ribeyes on Sunday.  Glad it got done, though.  I was worried Bank of America would be calling, being the 17th and all.  And, surprisingly, I'll get a little cash back (escrow taxes plus $500!), might pick up a new $125 lawn mower.

Once I get that, the ladies will be throwing themselves at me. Well worth the investment.  You know how the ladies like the power tools...

Bath

They couldn't have cleaned her up a little before her swan song?

Thirty Five

I recently turned 35.  I'm not sure what to make of this yet.

I'm refinancing the house with a 15 yr 3.5% loan this Friday.  I'd think that would be a step up, home paid off when I'm 50.

I also shit myself while whacking off, and still finished.  Not sure if that's a step up or not but I've gone 35 years without that hapenning, that might be a record in some peoples books.

Shoes

I slept with you partly because you had those cool shoes on.  And now you're going to throw them away?

Maybe not...