Dear Leslie

I want to thank you again for the lovely baseball outing your company hosted this last summer. The Brewers won, Ben Sheets allowed only one hit, and the beer flowed. Lots of beer flowed. You see, I know each person was supposed to get just two beverages. Do you know what two beverages does for me? Nothing! Two beers in my stomach is just a waste of alcohol. Twenty beers, now we’re talking. Anyway, I managed to secure a number of un-punched tickets at the Brewers game. I’d trade my punched ticket with the five-year-old’s ticket – he certainly shouldn’t be having any brew – all while resisting the urge to hit on said five-year-old’s smoking hot mom. Actually, all you [company name] people looked pretty damn hot after having consumed twenty beers. Wink, wink.

So now, with the weather changing and these damned holidays approaching, [compayny name] is sponsoring a Christmas party. My roommate (and black eye giver) signed me up for the steak dinner which I’m sure will be quite tasty. My tummy will greatly appreciate it. However, I was deeply disturbed to hear that the free beverage service will only be offered from 5:30-7:00. An hour and a half?! What the…?! Sure, Ben in accounting who never gets out on the weekends might bring his wife and get a little toasty in the hour and a half, but seasoned veterans like myself will only be left wanting more. Yeah, I’m sure I could (gasp) buy some outrageously priced drinks but with the way the economy is nowadays, hell, let’s just say I’ve been using shower gel for purposes it wasn’t intended for. Hard times, I tell you.

If I happen to stumble in to you at the entrance as you greet everyone as they arrive, well, there will be a reason for it. Just like before the Brewers game I finna have to do some pre-game preparation. I think I counted thirteen empty beer cans before I set foot in Miller Park and I’ll admit, that might have been a little excessive. I didn’t step on any little kids on the way out but I think they saw me coming and got out of the way. I’ll try to keep the prep for the Christmas party to eight or under. And I know how you HR people are. You’re going to want everyone to have a good time and do the whole meet and greet thing and make sure that everyone knows everyone else. That’s fine, just don’t try to drag me away from the beverage bar for that hour and a half. After 7:00, if you watch me closely, you might even catch me emptying my flask in my empty glass. You’re welcome to search me at the door, pat me down and all. It’ll be in the front middle pocket. Please be gentle.

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