Vacuum Cleaner

[Sitting at the corner bar watching a commercial for a vacuum cleaner.]

Me: That’s a huge vacuum cleaner.

Renter: It’s not a vacuum cleaner, it’s a steam cleaner.

Mr. Top: Those things are fucking expensive.

Renter: No, they’re really not that bad. I bought my ex-husband one for Christmas a couple years ago.

Me: You bought him a vacuum cleaner for Christmas? That’s as bad as getting socks.

Mr. Baseball: I bought myself socks for Christmas last year.

Me: Did you wrap them, too?

Mr. Baseball: Yeah, but then once I wrapped them I forgot what it was. I was hoping it was a vacuum cleaner.

Me: I always hated getting socks.

Renter: What kind of gift would make you happy?

Me: I don’t know. The best Christmas was when I got 20 Transformers.

Renter: You really don’t get excited about Christmas or gifts, do you?

Me: No, they’re usually disappointing.

Renter: What if you found a porn star or a hooker underneath the Christmas tree?


Dear Santa, I’ll be the bestest boy ever from now till Christmas. I promise I won’t play with myself or fart on the Renter’s head. If you can come through on this one I’ll owe you one, big guy.