Dampness

Normally I can deal with any situation that I might come across. I’m a pretty easy going guy. When karaoke starts at the corner bar I head back to the pool room to avoid the loud music and karaoke freaks. I can tolerate talking to drunk people throughout the night because I know at some point I’m going to be that drunk person in someone else’s eyes. But there are a few things that irk me a little.

Empty pitchers. This doesn’t happen too often as I usually ask for a refill as soon as I fill my last glass.

Standing in checkout lines. It doesn’t matter where, the gas station, Wal-Mart, the grocery store, standing in line for more than a minute makes me sweat. Good thing I don’t shop much.

Stupid drivers on the road. If you know you need to make a right turn half a mile down the road get in the right lane NOW. And it isn’t mandatory to put on your brakes when you’re merging on the freeway but a turn signal would be nice.

Nursing homes. God those people are old. And I thought I was the only person who shits their pants.

Stairs. I’m lazy.

Feeling hungry. This doesn’t happen too often either but when it does I get irritable and cranky.

Friday I experienced a situation that was ten times worse than any of the above. Around 1:00 I went downstairs to have a cigarette. While I was walking to the elevator I sneezed, big time. And I peed my pants a little. Actually it was a little more than just a little. I could feel the dampness of my underwear. It didn’t dry out till roughly 5:00. I had to sit at work for four hours in my peed in underwear. Talk about gross. I sprayed some cologne on my crotch to cover up any smell. But what else could I do? I couldn’t take off my underwear. I’ve gone without underwear before and it wasn’t a pretty sight. If you give Frankie more room than he’s used to he’s going to go roaming – at very inappropriate times. Being confined to my desk because I have a raging hard on is not an option (just mentioning the word “spreadsheet” or “Excell” gets me aroused). So there I sat in my damp underwear spraying cologne on my crotch every hour.

After reading this story, as hard as it is to imagine, yes ladies, I am single.