Just Shit

Here's to drunk blogging.

Trust me, it's as painful for you as me.

All the backspacing and shit.

I must admit.

I've had phone conversations with a girl in high school (when I was in high school) that were just letters, not words, pretty painful. Spelled out every sentense. Jujst wrong.

I masturbate with a condom on. No biggie there.

I haven't had sex since April. Ms. Arizino, if you're still out there, I'm here. Call me. Please.

I played pool on Tuesday. I lost to an ex-coworker. A female. Horrible.

There were two ex-s at the bar tonight. They both wanted to do me. Yeah, I'm that good.

I haven't had a hair cut in three months. I'm due. But the Renter scalped me last time so I don't know.

What is with LaBron James chewing his nails on the sideline?

I got my underwear ripped off today because I tried to hide "items of the day" from the rest of the bar. It was just the elastic band off the top of the underwear, but still, my underwear is at the bar.

I wish I had more for you but I don't. Actually, I do. Here is Jason Mulgrew's take on the blow job. Seriously, if you haven't checked out his blog, please do so. The fuckers funny.

Jean-Paul Sartre, famed French choreographer and bigot, once wrote that the purpose of gift-giving is to enslave the recipient. That is, to give a gift is to imbue the recipient with a sense of obligation to someday return the favor or otherwise respond in kind. In this way, there is no true sense of generosity; every perceived act of generosity is merely a ruse, an unconscious act of self-interest. We give gifts to others in order, ultimately, to get what we want.

Eight hundred years after Sartre wrote these words, the modern woman has applied this exact sentiment to the act of giving blowjobs.

*******

My father, before he stopped speaking with me over a disputed case of fireworks, taught me three things:

1) Life is short and difficult; cigarettes, they help.

2) Never get a tattoo from a Mexican man, no matter how well he sings (and he will sing well).

3) There is no such thing as a free blowjob.

At the time, I didn’t know what he was talking about. This is probably because I was five years old and didn’t know what a blowjob was. Also, growing up in a segregated Irish-Catholic neighborhood in South Philly, Mexicans were about as real to me as vampires. But as I grew older, I grew to understand and appreciate his advice. And nowhere did it ring as true as in his dire warning about blowjobs.

Subsequently, I have made it my life’s work to study both the psychology and the physiology (or better, physical nature or physicality) of fellatio. I knew from the first that this is the reason that I was put on earth. I will never forget the day I got my first blowjob. It was a Sunday – October 21, 2007. The story of my first is a long and involved one, but basically my buddy Site Guy Brendan and I were hanging around my apartment, each with a terrible hangover. Brendan looked at me and said, “Hey, what do you think about me giving you a beejer?” I said, “Sure, let’s do it.” I was then fellated. So I guess it’s not really that long of a story. Funny, it sounded much longer in my head. Whatever.

Since that fateful day, I have spent a substantial amount of time and effort – not to mention over $300 – researching blowjobs. In sooth, I did not know what I aimed to find when I started my research. But over the days and weeks, I allowed my findings to take me in different directions, to explore new angles, and to cause me to become addicted to masturbating with my knuckle in my ass. To say it has been a roller coaster would be an understatement of the grossest variety.

But now, because my funds are running low and my testes are no longer able to produce semen (instead emitting a shot of hot air from my urethra in lieu of ejaculate), I have decided that my research has come to an end and I am ready to share my findings with the world.

*******

Though it came as a surprise to me, I found quickly that it is common knowledge that a woman will only provide oral sex in offer to profit directly. This profit can take various forms, whether it is a general goal like bettering her position in the relationship, or something more tangible, like getting a new pair of earrings or a new doll or, I don't know, whatever it is women want.

In the course of my research I interviewed numerous women, men and a half-man, half-horse. Though they came from various backgrounds, were of different ages, and had dissimilar occupations, the answer to this question – for females, "Why do you give oral sex?"; for males, "Why do you think women give oral sex?" – was nearly universally the same: to either manipulate or placate.

Because of this, I am able to surmise that, psychologically, blowjobs exist as a tool for advancement, a contrivance to level or otherwise alter the power dynamic in the relationship between the person giving the beejer and the person receiving it. Philosophically, each blowjob represents another deposit in the bank of karma that will be withdrawn at a later time. Pragmatically, it's more akin to “Well, I’m drunk enough and if I suck him off now, I can probably go shopping with Linda tomorrow – so here goes nothing.”

Thus having dispensed with the psychology behind blowjobs, it is time to turn our attention to the physical aspect of beejers.

*******

Before I begin, please note that my findings do not take into account homosexual men who give blowjobs or the occasional straight guy who had a little too much to drink and wound up with his buddy's penis in his mouth (even though we’ve all been there). My intention was to include these groups, but because of an unfortunate event involving a bisexual uncle and something I later learned is called a “gloryhole,” that idea was quickly abandoned.

I have divided women who give blowjobs into five groups based on their approach and execution of fellatio. I would be remiss if I didn't first mention that there is a sixth group that differs so much from the other five that it must be treated and examined in an almost entirely separate discourse.

In my research I discovered, again to my surprise, that there are very few women who enjoy putting a man's penis in their mouth, lolling it around, and bringing it to climax. However, such women do exist – though they may be more difficult to find than a black man who has read The Aeneid in the original. I have named this category of women, for classification purposes, Keepers. Keepers enjoy providing oral sex and will often do so at only the slightest suggestion (i.e. after two glasses of pinot grigio at your cousin's high school graduation barbeque). While Keepers still may provide oral sex only to gain an advantage, the sheer frequency, volume and intensity of the blowjobs make any attempt at manipulation forgivable. Simply put, she works hard for her money. So you'd better treat her right.

And now, the five approaches of women who give blowjobs, with famous examples of each to help further understanding.

Category One: The Penisphobe

For you non-Classicists, phobos is the Greek word for "phobia" and penis is the English word for "penis." Literally, as the name implies, the Penisphobe is afraid of the penis.

The good news is that this fear is not so great that the Penisphobe will not give blowjobs. Rather - and this is the bad news - the fear of the Penisphobe manifests itself in inadequate oral sex sessions which eventually become so much trouble that it's not even worth it; a whole evening at a John Mayer concert for a fifteen second hummer is hardly a fair trade. The blowjobs of the Penisphobe are often short and lack thoroughness and rarely result in the recipient’s climax, unless said recipient has spent all day getting riled up watching women’s volleyball.

The worst part of the penisphobia affliction is that the Penisphobe is often aware of and even celebrates her condition, constantly complaining to her friends and lovers how much she dislikes giving head for myriad reasons ranging from “You pee out of that thing” to “It's just gross.” But again, this does not stop her from giving blowjobs completely. Thus, the Penisphobe approaches oral sex as one might approach paying taxes; unfortunately, she must do it, and do it with some frequency, lest her assets be seized.

There is no single, root cause for penisphobia, but studies suggest that there is a single cure. Fear is an innate emotion that is a direct response to a particular stimulus. The only way to conquer fear is repeated exposure to this stimulus. Therefore, if your partner suffers from penisphobia, you must encourage her to fellate you as often as possible. I have found that bribery often works (i.e. fellatio in exchange for watching “Grey’s Anatomy” as opposed to college basketball) as does verbal encouragement (i.e. “Man, you really know how to handle a bird” or “Holy crap – this feels better than Christmas” and the like). The Penisphobe can, with hard work, be cured.

Famous Examples of Penisphobes: Jennifer Lopez, Renee Zellweger, Jenna Bush, one of the two chicks in Abba

Category Two: The One Who Has Tunnel Vision in Matters of the Penis and Surrounding Area

What many women fail to realize is that there is so much more to the male genital region than just the penis. While the penis is undoubtedly the main attraction, in the act of fellatio the woman should also take into consideration the scrotum, the testes, and the grundle (called by numerous names – taint, chode/choda, gooch – this is the space between the scrotum and the heinie hole). Approaching a blowjob by focusing exclusively on the penis and neglecting these areas is like lighting fireworks with your toes. And yes, I realize that doesn’t make much sense, but I couldn’t come up with anything else.

What many women also fail to realize is that like lovemaking, oral sex requires foreplay. When giving blowjobs, women routinely forsake romance and maximizing pleasure of their man for the sake of efficiency. They adopt a “You’re lucky you’re even getting one in the first place” mentality, put the penis in their mouth, and try to wrap up the deed as quickly as possible. This is equal parts selfish and sad.

(Author’s Note: There is no need to point out the irony of this criticism coming from someone whose art of seduction goes: 1) Start kissing; 2) Count to 100; 3) Stick it in.)

This group (for our purposes, Tunnel Visioners) is the largest of the five groups. One of the reasons why so many women are Tunnel Visioners is that, like their cousins the Starlets (discussed below), they have no idea that they are giving an improper blowjob. In practice, the Tunnel Visioner can often bring a man to climax with frequency. Therefore, they consider themselves good at giving head. But there is a difference between “good” and “good enough”; the Tunnel Visioner is content with the latter while misbelieving she is the former.

A common and easily curable cause for Tunnel Vision is that the woman simply doesn’t know any better. That is, perhaps she was previously involved with a lover of less refined tastes whom she routinely brought to climax, and so she therefore never bothered to explore the Mysteries and Crevasses of the Male Genital Region. If this is the case, a simple suggestion may be all it takes to right the ship and steer a course to happy and successful blowjobs. Many women who suffer from Tunnel Vision go on to have successful blowjob careers and blow lots and lots of dudes – my ex-girlfriend Cheryl comes to mind. Maybe even three dudes in one night in Cancun (Cheryl, I’m looking in your direction). Maybe even two dudes on the plane ride back from Cancun (Cheryl, again…I’ll stop now).

On the other hand, another cause of Tunnel Vision is either laziness or disgust with the other parts of the male genital area. To combat this, I would suggest adopting a strategy similar to dealing with the Penisphobe: encouragement, encouragement, encouragement. Generally speaking, the best recourse to address problems in the bedroom with your partner is open dialogue. Therefore, saying something to the effect of, “You know, I really like the way you give blowjobs, but I’m wondering what it would feel like if you put both my balls in your mouth while wearing a ski mask” might work wonders for someone who is involved with a Tunnel Visioner. And if your partner resists such gentle suggestions because she finds the other areas of the male genital region disgusting, you can always point out to her that since she recently stopped going to the gym, having sex with her doggystyle is getting uncomfortably similar to fucking a peanut butter and jelly sandwich crushed between two watermelons.

Famous Examples of Tunnel Visioners: My ex-girlfriend Cheryl (whore), Salt, Michelle Pfeiffer, Paul Stanley of the rock group Kiss

Category Three: The Semenphobe

Semen, like the Amazon rainforest, MySpace, and Brooklyn Decker, is truly one of greatest miracles of God's creation. In this sticky, faintly bleachy-smelling goo, we have the source of all life on earth. Yes, that glop that you stomp down the drain after a quick jerk when you’re showering at your parents’ house is responsible for nearly everything on the planet (give or take).

Unfortunately, there are a number of women who view semen not as the magic potion that it is, but rather as the scourge of existence – or at least, the scourge of sex. In part, I can understand this; the fear of pregnancy is on the minds of many women, including many of the women in my study (and the half-man, half-horse). But this fear is unfounded in terms of oral sex. Though I only went to medical school for one year, I do remember something about not being able to get pregnant by swallowing sperm. So as an expert on the subject, I can tell you, ladies, with 100% certainty that you have zero chance of getting pregnant by consuming ejaculate at the conclusion of a blowjob. So, cheers (or slainte or skol or salude or whatever you feel comfortable with).

The other reason for semenphobia is the “nastiness” of the semen. I admit, just as many of the man in the study admitted, that there is some truth to the view that semen is gross and a hassle. It doesn’t smell very nice, it’s gooey and clumpy, it stings when it gets in your eyes, and sometimes it gets stuck in your beard and you go to work and your co-worker’s like, “Mulgrew, what’s all over your beard, dude?” and you’re all like, “Um, uh, it’s, um, glaze…yeah, I had a donut this morning” and then he walks away and says “Jesus fucking Christ” under his breath. It can be a real pain to deal with.

But used and manipulated properly, semen can be a wonderful diversion in the bedroom. The cure for semenphobia, like the other fear-based techniques we’ve discussed, is exposure to the source of the fear. But note: this exposure should be taken slowly and in small increments, lest the damage to the Semenphobe be irreparable. It is not advisable to treat the Semenphobe with a “sink-or-swim” approach. Too much semen too quickly may result in you spending the rest of your relationship spooging on your sheets and/or floor. Treat the Semenphobe as you would someone who dislikes hot foods but are trying to turn on to Tabasco sauce – a little bit at first, for the thrill; a little bit more later, for the taste; and then finally a whole crapload, because it’s badass and it makes your eyes water.

(But of course we’re talking about semen, not hot sauce. Just wanted to make that clear.)

Famous Examples: Amy Winehouse, Francois Metterand, George Michael, Pepa

Category Four: The Starlet

Undoubtedly, drama is inherent in sex. This drama arises from the shared vulnerability at the very core of sex; two people, stripping themselves of both their clothes and their inhibitions, navigating together through the musty realm of lovemaking, towing the line between intimacy and vulgarity. Even the most seemingly meaningless sexual encounters are ripe with drama (i.e. “What’s his name again?” or “I hope she’s on the pill” or “This one time doesn’t make me gay, but the second one in the morning might”, etc.).

But this drama, based as it is in vulnerability, must be handled delicately. This is where the Starlet errs.

The Starlet approaches each blowjob as if she were starring in her very own pornographic movie. At face value this sounds wonderful (really, really wonderful), but the Starlet lacks the talent and tools to live up to the hype she’s creating while fellating.

The Starlet is about style, not substance. She doesn’t understand that all the moans, dirty talk, and other flashy elements do not a good blowjob make. Her frequent and unabashed use of words like “cock” and “cum” and, in my case, “I don’t know why I feel so drunk and tired,” are often employed to mask a mediocre blowjob.

The best blowjob I received in the course of my research came from a girl who didn’t say a word. She was a like a ninja of fellatio, stunning me with a rapid succession of moves and maneuvers, making me feel alternatively euphoric and frightened. And before I could even get my bearings, it was all over. I remember it starting, I remember feeling like I was dying, and then I remember laying in my bed, a tear in my eye and a bag of potato chips in my hand. At the other end of the spectrum, I received a blowjob from a woman who, immediately prior to commencing her penile assault, said, “Jason Mulgrew, get ready for the best blowjob of your life!” While it was not nearly the best blowjob of my life, it was certainly unforgettable; she treated my penis like a piece of chum. I will carry those teeth marks with me for some time. (In these examples, the former was a Keeper, the latter, a Starlet.)

Starlets are difficult to cure. Because they invest so much and take such pride in their drama, they are often highly sensitive to suggestions on how to improve their performance. There is nothing worse than a starlet with a shattered sense of self-confidence; say the wrong thing and you will be punished with a lifetime of reassuring her that yes, she’s doing a great job and yes, of course you like it when she starts speaking in that made up language that you guess is supposed to sound like French or turn you on or something.

The best way to cure a Starlet is to rise to the occasion and become a Starlet yourself. Suggest that you dabble in role-playing; you play the part of the guy getting head and she the part of the girl who just shuts up for two goddamn minutes and gives a decent blowjob for once. If you need something a little more subtle, maybe she can be the deaf-mute girl and you her sign language teacher. Or perhaps she can be a mime and you, I don’t know, a guy who likes to get blowjobs from mimes. The possibilities are only limited by your imagination.

Famous Examples: Jessica Alba, Sarah Silverman, Representative Barney Frank (D-MA), that girl who nearly bit my penis off.

Category Five: The Abstainer

This is the most confounding group of all. These women simply do not give blowjobs. They are not to be trifled with and, if the laws of your state allow, should be thrown into the nearest river or body of water.

This is all there is to say about Abstainers.

Famous Examples: Jennifer Love Hewitt. What a cold, cold bitch. That’s the last time I take her to a wedding.

*******

Sex, as in vaginal intercourse, is undoubtedly pleasurable, but its primary purpose is procreation. We have intercourse, basically speaking, to create. However, oral sex, because it cannot result in procreation, in its nascent and purest form is strictly about the giving and receiving of pleasure. Unfortunately, throughout the course of the centuries, due to the rise of the diamond trade, the existence of Prada bags, and the release of Complete Series of “Sex in the City” on DVD, the blowjob has degenerated from its venerable position as fun and fundamental part of sex to instrument for manipulation and advancement.

But all is not hopeless. The Prophet sayeth, “It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give when unasked.” Through positive reinforcement, sensitivity, and not a small amount of white wine and/or cosmopolitans, it is possible to affect a fundamental shift in the nature of the blowjob, both psychologically and physically. But this change will not come without action, a proactive approach to fellatio. And so I ask you, brothers and sisters, to act. There is no reason that men and women can not work together to maximize the pleasure of the blowjob for both parties, to get the blowjob back to its roots: something that is bestowed by a woman (or man) onto a man for the sake of pleasure, pure and simple.