BOOYAH!!!

I got up to the bar a little before 7:00. On Monday’s I like to get up there a little early to meditate on what the outcome of the game is going to be. The game was a pretty sloppy one with lots of rain and loose sod so I went with the under in hopes of a low scoring game. At halftime it was 0-0. I think that’s when she walked in.

I had seen this woman before, maybe a year ago. She was kinda tall, long brown hair, nice smile and a rack you just wanted to stick your face in and go brbrbrbrbrbrbr. She walked in and sat next to the Renter. She asked the Renter if she remembered her and they started chatting a bit. At one point she pulled out a seductive photo of herself from her purse. (Seriously, who has pictures of themselves with exposed nipples in their purse? I mean, I have a picture of my penis on my cell phone but that’s just because we’re so close, he’s like my little brother that I wrestle with every day.) At some point in the fourth quarter the Renter told me to sit in her seat. Christie and I started talking and, well, you know, I don’t want to brag or anything but the sweet love making charm came out of the closet and I had her laughing and smiling. Oh, and I don’t think her name was Christie (could have been), but I think it started with a “k” sound, doesn’t matter. I was working it with the flattery and what have you. Actually, I don’t know what the fuck to say to women but I guess whatever I said worked. When the game ended she said she was going and asked if I needed a ride even after I had told her I live a block away. I took this to be some kind of subtle hint and went along with it. We hopped in her car and drove the block to my abode.

When we walked in the house I asked her to not look and the Renter’s mess in the kitchen sink (uh, embarrassing). I got two beers out of the fridge and we chatted for a bit. Then we started to suck face. Then she hit me up for gas money.

Gas money?

I had just loaned Mr. Top $60 earlier that night so I didn’t have much on me. I told her I had $12. She looked straight into my eyes and said that she needed her tank filled.

“So, ah, you won’t stay unless we go fill your gas tank?”

She just kept looking at me.

Goodness gracious, what’s a brother to do? She flat out turned down my $12 and insisted that I fill the whole tank. I was both surprised and a little ticked off by her response, surprised that she was pretty much offering up her body for gas and ticked off because I’d have to submit to her demands to get what I wanted. But damn, it had been a while since I’d had a woman in my bedroom (back in April) so I had a little bit of a dilemma. Yeah, I grabbed a credit card and out the door we went.

When we got back to the house I coaxed her into bed since the heat wasn’t on (but yet holding steady at 56!). We got under the covers and got to kissing. And then we got to fucking. Ah, watching those healthy titties bounce with every thrust was a thing of beauty. We went at it for a good 45 minutes with only one quick breather (more like breathing life into a lifeless penis – hey, I’d had a lot to drink). Eventually I managed to blow my load with a flailing, last second burst of true porn-style fucking. I came and then I crashed in a heap of sweat and heavy breathing.

But wait, hold the applause and fist pumping till later, it gets better.

You see, Christie was arrested this past June for having a rather risqué internet website. She had a stable of girls that would go to bachelor parties and, well, do their thing. Christie wasn’t arrested because of the nature of her business but because she hadn’t registered her site with the state of Wisconsin. She had to pay a $300 fine, perform 20 hours of community service, and wasn’t allowed to touch a computer for three months. Yeah, I know, I pick’em well.

I’d be lying if I told you I found this out after we got busy. She told me about all that at the bar. But it might explain something else: Christie had certain qualities about her in the bedroom. To put it plainly, she put on a good show. She had the moaning, the licking of her own titties, and facial expressions that had been perfected over many years of, well, fucking. It was like having my very own C-grade porn star in my bed. Maybe it wasn’t a show, maybe I was just that damn good. But it’s been seven months; you’d have to think I was a little bit rusty.

(One note for the ladies: please don’t say, “How do you like my pussy?” in bed. Seriously, how is the guy supposed to respond? He has his dick in you, obviously something is working right. “Oh yeah, baby, your pussy’s awesome!” Yeah, that’s gay. And on a personal level, I generally don’t like to hear the word “pussy” in bed at all. I’d rather hear “Fuck me!” than “Fuck my pussy!” I get confused easily. If you say “me” I know what to do. If you say “my pussy” while I think I’m already fucking your pussy, then I start to wonder. Am I in the wrong hole and you want me to switch it up? Did I miss everything and I’m just fucking the seam where your leg meets your abdomen? Is it my teddy bear that’s taking all the action? Seriously, keep it simple. Thanks.)

Anyway, the combination of the arrest and the performance made me a little leery. She asked what time I had to work and asked me if I could wake her up at 4:00am. She said she was still a little intoxicated and didn’t want to drive home at bar close. I leaned over and glanced at the clock, 12:45. I sat there for two minutes thinking. Do I really want this woman in my house, in my bed, while I slumber like a hibernating bear allowing her full access to my house? For some reason it just didn’t feel right.

“What would you say if I kindly asked you to leave?”

“You’re serious?”

“Yeah, it’s only 12:45, you’ll be fine on the way home.”

“You’re kidding me.”

Yeah, I guess “kindly” asking a woman to leave your house after you’ve fucked her is a delicate process. My buddy Mr. Top does it all the time; I’ll have to hit him up for some pointers. Christie started to say something like, “You know, you’re lucky I even came over.” or something like that but stopped and didn’t say anything else. She put her clothes on, threw on her coat and walked for the door. I tried to toss a nice “Drive safely” in there but I don’t think she caught it as she raced out the door.

Ah, yes. I walked back to my bedroom with my chest puffed out and a smile on my face.

I think I actually made out on the deal. You figure if you take a woman out to dinner its going to run you at least $40 and that’s at Applebee’s or some place comparable. And then after dinner you have to go out for drinks. That’s going to run you anywhere from $20 to $60 depending on what she’s drinking. I got laid for a $3 beer and $31 in gas. I don’t know about you guys but I say BOOYAH!!!

On another side note, I said I haven’t had sex in a while. I don’t know if common practices have changed in the past months. Is it normal to get a blowjob while you have a condom on? The only other time that’s happened to me was in Mexico and, well, I kind of paid for that one, too. But after masturbating for the past year with a condom on, the blowjob with a condom was pretty fucking cool. Something different, you know?

The other thing that bothered me a little: she knew how to put a condom on better than I can. Granted, I was a little loaded myself, but I’ve been “practicing” with condoms on for quite some time now, I would consider myself somewhat proficient. What does it mean that the woman in my bed, who doesn’t have a penis, is more gifted than I in the art of putting a condom on? Seriously, it took her less than a second. She had this technique where she’d hold it in one hand and effortlessly slide it down while at the same time she’d go down on you. I don’t think they teach you that in sex education class in high school.

Awe, fuck, I had sex with a hooker. Wait, I had sex with a hooker! And it was cheap! BOOYAH!!!

No, I actually doubt she was a hooker; she would have wanted more than $31. Probably just a desperate woman who was a little down on her luck and needed gas to get home. I’ll take it either way. God I love desperate women.