Headhunter

As I had mentioned before, on Wednesday I went to the Brewers game. I had a McChicken, a double cheeseburger, and four cans or beer before the game. It was kind of like a mini tailgating thing. But then it hit me; I had to shit. I hustled my way into the stadium and found the shitter. 30 seconds into my “efforts” my phone rang. Usually if I don’t recognize the phone number I won’t answer it but for some reason this time I did. Turns out it was a head hunter inquiring if I wanted to apply for an accounting position at a fairly big educational facility. I told her I was at the Brewers game and couldn’t talk much and I took down her phone number.

Today I called her back. I told her how miserable the Brewers game was, not only because they lost but because of the hot and humid conditions. She asked again if I was interested and I told her I’d get back to her with some possible interview dates. I had gone on the business’s website and noted something on the job description that looked a little funny and I brought it up with her. “Ordinary office working conditions with some slightly disagreeable features.” Huh?

Me: So, what does that mean? Do they have a lot of ugly people working there?

Her, laughing so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear: No, no, one of my other applicants had brought that up too.

Me: I mean, there’s nothing wrong with ugly people, I’d probably fit in pretty well.

Her, still laughing: Oh, you’re too much!

Me: Hey, I could even limp a little bit if that would help.

Her: Now my co-workers are looking at me because I’m laughing so loud! No, I think it’s because they’ve had some remodeling done and there might be some construction noise.

Me: Ha! Piece of cake. I work right by the freeway downtown and I’ve put up with over a year of them working on the Marquette Interchange. They pound supports in the ground so hard that my mouse actually bounces on my desk.

Her: Well then, sounds like you’ll be fine with it.

Me: Are you sure they don’t have ugly people there? Maybe some ugly women? I like to sleep with ugly women because it boosts their confidence. You know, kind of like a public service type of deal. Fat chicks too. Fat chicks give good head.

Her: Really? I’m not fat but I like to think that I give good head. What are you doing tonight?


I’m going to guess you can tell where that story went from being 100% real to being 100% fictional.