Looking through the news today and I found this:
Ga. school plans its first non-segregated prom
After decades of separate functions, students hope to unite behind dance
I had to read that twice to make sure I understood it properly the first time.
Being a rather young 30 years of age living in the Midwest, I was never exposed to segregation, and if I was I was too young to remember or notice it. In my professional career I have worked at places with a lot of cultural diversity. I have had sexual relations (p.c. for fucked) with many culturally diverse women, although not as many as I would have liked to. Therefore I don’t understand why some high school in Georgia has continued with the segregated activities to this day. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not approving of the segregation by saying “to this day.” Segregation happened, you or I can’t change this. But this shit should have stopped MANY years ago. I’m not going to try to come off as some expert in American history. My class time in high school was spent making tally marks for each time the teacher spit on the kids in the front row. I can’t imagine what it was like and to my surprise, what it is still like today in this Georgia high school. That is one of the two things in American history that I’m glad I didn’t have to live through, the other being 70’s porn.
Since this little ditty once again reminded me of how much sex I’ve had lately (none), I decided I’d put together a little application for potential “dates.” I had all the basic questions listed like age, height, weight, race, religion, zodiac sign, education, views on anal/oral sex, but I ditched it. I figured why make a woman take time out of her busy day to fill out this application when “do you have two arms, two legs, and a vagina” would work just as well? So ladies, please keep the emails and boob pictures coming. If I don’t get back to you right away, please be patient. I can realistically only schedule four of you a day.
Have you ever been in a public place, maybe on a special occasion like your birthday or something, have to pass a little gas so you stand in the corner away from everyone else, let one fly just mere seconds before a friend comes around the corner with an extremely beautiful woman, and you both pretend like you don’t smell anything as the friend takes forever to take your picture, all while the wretched stench completely engulfs the whole area, all the way over to the person who’s taking the picture five feet away? If I have anything going for me it’s great timing.
Conversation of the day with a rather fine female friend:
Friend: So, have you used up your supply of toys (condoms) yet?
Me: No, I think I still have a bunch left.
Friend: Have you been using them with new conquests or just the usual group of girls?
(Yeah, I have a group of girls I sleep with. These “girls” are in video clips on my computer that I can’t access and “sleep with” is, well, masturbating furiously. To bad “mother fucking” has already been coined as “mf-ing,” cause I’m mf-ing all the time and typing “masturbating furiously” is getting kind of depressing.)
Me: No, I haven’t exactly been using them with women.
(Friend looks at me questionably.)
Me: Not that I’m using them with guys or anything. Just, ah, um, by myself.
Friend: Come on! I know how you are and your sexual needs.
Me: Yeah, well, I kind of do it twice a day.
Friend: I’m going to have to talk to you later.
Of course she won’t come and talk to me later and we won’t be making passionate love for three minutes tonight. This is depressing. And while typing “masturbating furiously” is also depressing, mf-ing in itself is totally not depressing. Evening plans of mf-ing – check.
Awhile back there was that movie “Supersize Me.” I never saw the movie but I guess the guy ate McDonalds for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Well, I’ve got my own little version going on. It’s called "stuff yourself with Taco Bell or McDonalds at 11:00 pm every night." And you know what? I have fallen in love with Taco Bell and McDonalds. The beef gordita supremes with hot sauce prove to be very flavorful while the double cheeseburgers and McChicken sandwiches are quite filling at a very reasonable price. For $5 I can swing by Taco Bell or for $3.17 I can get three sandwiches from McDonalds (gotta love the dollar menu). If you don’t know already I’m pretty fucking cheap so getting awesome food for $5 that late at night is like a dream come true.
That’s what I thought until this evening. Out of curiosity I went on both McDonald’s and Taco Bell’s websites. On their sites they have the nutritional value for all of their food. The Taco Bell I consumed on Friday night = 840 calories. The McDonalds I consumed on Monday night = 1,160 calories. This is in addition to the 9:00 am, 11:00 am, 1:00 pm, and 5:30 pm meals. I’m not sure people but I don’t think this is good.
The FA knew a cheerleader back in college. That’s what he told me, but I’m guessing it was more like he “knew of” a cheerleader back in college. Anyway, this girl would not eat anything after 6:00 pm. After watching as many NCAA basketball games as I possibly could over the past month, I have come to a conclusion: 97% of college cheerleaders are not fat. 97% of college cheerleaders are actually pretty fucking hot.
I, on the other hand, am not cheerleader hot. I might be cheerleader hot if you compare me to the 3% of not-so-hot cheerleaders, but even that might be stretching it. But don’t jump to conclusions and call me an ugger (one of dad’s favorite terms). 6’4”, 233 lbs, can bench press 225 lbs 10 times, and can still dunk a basketball (almost). I have dated more F-list celebrities than Steve Buscemi. However, I drink six packs, I don’t have a six pack. I don’t like going out on a limb but I’m going to guess that these late night feeding frenzies are not in my best interests if I want to become cheerleader hot. Normally I would tell you my grand corrective action plan and how I would implement it immediately. But seriously folks, have you ever had Taco Bell at 11:00 at night? Fucking tasty, “big time” as Joakim Noah would say.
Can you believe that I read some NBA draft commentary where someone compared him to Dennis Rodman? That’s as asinine as comparing me to Mr. Olympia, Jay Cutler.
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