Dildo + Ass = Tears

Last night the Renter came into my room around midnight. She had “Mr. Happy” and a bottle of lube in her hand.

Renter: We have to stick this up your ass.

Me: Huh, are you kidding me?

Renter: Come on, you’re the one who wants to be on Jackass. Bend over.

Me: Hell no. I’m going to sleep, it’s late.

This went on for almost five minutes. In order to get her to leave I told her I’d do it on Friday. I had no intentions of doing it on Friday, just one of those little white lies I tend to tell every ten minutes or so. Unfortunately the Renter knows that I lie every ten minutes and brought her camera into the room. The end result: I am now on camera (video) saying I will stick a dildo up my ass. But wait, it gets better. Being on camera has a strange effect on people. Do you think all those chicks on Girls Gone Wild would be flashing their tits if they didn’t have the camera on them? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Not only am I on camera holding a dildo proclaiming that I will stick it up my ass, but I also had to point at a spot six inches down from the head indicating how far in I was going to insert it. Dude seriously, not cool. Who voluntarily agrees to stick a foreign object up his ass just so he can go to sleep? I may or may not still have a gay reader or two out there who might disagree with me on this, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to stick anything up my ass, especially considering what comes out of my ass.

So, if you see me walking funny this weekend, please, please don't ask me why or bring this up. It will only leave me in tears sucking on my thumb in the corner.