In the locker room after working out today

Old lawyer: So, did you have a good workout?

Me: Yeah, not too bad. How about you?

Old lawyer: It was ok. I’m all screwed up this week (he’s usually there Mon, Wed, and Fri). I can’t decide if I should come back tomorrow or on Saturday.

Me: As long as you do different exercises you should be good if you come in tomorrow.

Old lawyer: See you might be able to do that. I’m getting a little old to be working out two days in a row.

Old lawyer walks away and I pack up my bag.

Me: You know, you might be getting old, but I’m sure you’ve learned a lot… (me walking around corner) in all those… (me standing in front of some other naked guy who’s looking at me like I’m crazy) years. (me looking around) Where’d he go?

At that point I dropped my head and stared at the floor as I walked out of the locker room.



Today we (me) are going to introduce a new segment to this blog called News From the Neighborhood.

Tuesday I was driving home from the grocery store and drove past my neighbor’s house. We’ll call him Mr. Fudd. Mr. Fudd was playing catch with one of his coworkers, we’ll call her Jennie Finch. Jennie Finch played softball in college and has a decent arm on her. As I rounded the corner I saw Mr. Fudd standing on the sidewalk, baseball mitt in hand, and Jennie Finch lying face down on the grass with her arms sprawled out. I drove up and stopped right in front of Mr. Fudd’s house as Jennie Finch was getting up off the ground. I guess I just missed an errant throw by Mr. Fudd that had Jennie flailing off the sidewalk in an effort to catch it.

Mr. Fudd: What’s up B to the…?

Me: Not much. You guys playing catch?

Jennie: Hey. You didn’t see that, did you?

Me: What, you doing a face plant on the grass?

Jennie: Oh my gosh! It was all Mr. Fudd’s fault.

Me: Sure it was.

Jennie: I still read your blog like every day.

My first reaction was, “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry I got you all hooked on my stories about porn, masturbation, sex with midgets, eight inch penises, loose women, people at the gym, the two college girls who come over every Friday, my fascination with shit, the Renter, and every other nasty topic I have put on paper. I’m sorry that you too are now masturbating with a condom on (its ok if the XL ones don’t fit), consuming ungodly amounts of beer, and wishing that you could live the life of an out of work porn star like I do. I strongly recommend that you don’t try to emulate my lifestyle as it will only lead to a failed marriage, hair loss, and impotency. I’m sorry that my horribly unfunny jokes lead you back for more like the neighborhood crack whore looking for her fix (who I learned will blow you for a teaspoon of sugar if you tell her its coke). Truly, deeply sorry.

The conversation continued.

Me: Really?

Jennie: Yeah. Hey, did you ever get that birthday blowjob?

Me: No, I’m not that lucky.

Jennie: ‘Cause I’ve been known to give them out on birthdays. No, just kidding.

Me: Ha, ha, I’ll see you guys later.


Women: don’t ever tease about a birthday blowjob. It just isn’t nice.


And there were a couple emails with the 39 yr old from the gym today. I saw her running around the track and said goodbye when I was leaving.

Me: You were going pretty strong there. I hope you didn't have to shower with the old ladies, or were you the old lady in the locker room todad?

That was the first time I've ever been up there. That hallway smells
like feet.

39 yr old: Or was I the old lady???.....nice, no wonder you're single!

No, it's the most pleasant running track, but it seems more challenging
than the treadmill.

Me: Sorry, all I have are old and black jokes, but that's ok because my mom is 7.8% African American. And now you're asking yourself, what's he have underneath the hood. I tell ya, its tough finding thongs that fit.

39 yr old: I'm sure that 7.8% had a huge impact...maybe you should be making movies???

Me: You know, if you want to we can, but I’d suggest a test run first.


Yeah, I didn’t get a response back on that one.