This Extended Weekend Was Freaking Great

Thursday morning the FA swung by and picked me up at 10:00. We swung by BW3’s and picked up a shit load of chicken wings. While we waited for the wings we had a 20 ounce beer. Since I had gone out the night before, I walked out of BW3’s at 10:45 slightly buzzing. Not exactly the way you want to start a twelve hour day of watching college basketball.

We swung by a Pick N Save and bought two twelve packs of Goose Island’s Honker Ale, one of my personal favorites. In retrospect this was not a good idea since the Honker Ale is pretty strong and the bold flavor gets to be a bit much after the sixth bottle. But this might have saved me from consuming like I usually do. Instead of the usual 4 to 1 ratio of my 4 beers to the FA’s 1 beer (he’s kind of a pussy like that) it was closer to 3 to 1.

The FA had invited me over many times to see his new home theater but something (beer) had always come up and I hadn’t been over to see it yet. Holy balls! The FA has a 92” screen in his basement with the projector hanging from the ceiling. He has three rows of stadium seating with three attached leather recliners in the first row, a really comfy couch on the second row, and two tables with four bar stools on the top level. I planted my ass in the recliners and only got up to pee or smoke (I had the FA trained to fetch beers from the fridge). I was in heaven. The Renter came over around 1:00 and chatted with the FA’s wife mostly about having kids (FA’s wife’s due date was the 15th). Around 5:00 we ordered pizza and by 7:30 everyone was pretty much pooped out. The Renter and I picked up some steaks at the store and headed home. At least MY intentions were to head home.

Instead of going home and cooking the steaks I ended up drinking even more at the bar. I counted the remaining Honker Ales and determined I had 16 of them at the FA’s house. I topped that off with four pitchers at the bar. It was a damn good night.

And you thought I was kidding when I said I needed to take some days off of drinking in preparation for the NCAA tournament.

Friday the Renter and I hit four bars before we could find one with seats open for the Badger game. After walking in each bar the Renter gave me this look of desperation as we encountered throngs of Badger faithful. The last bar we found was fairly quiet and we found seats right in front of the big screen. The game was pretty intense and the Badgers were able to squeak out a win. At one point I walked up to the bar and asked for a pitcher, gave the bartender and ten and waited for my change while he dug out some more singles from under the cash register. When he returned he asked me if I had given him a twenty. Well, you know me, I corrected him and told him it was only a ten and he thanked me for my honesty. Sometimes it sucks being a nice guy.

After that we hit the corner bar for a few and left early to make the steaks. I started with a steak that completely filled my plate, finished that, and then the Renter slapped on another one half that size. Of course, if you put food in front of me I’m going to eat it, especially if it is a tasty slab of meat. I ended up going to bed around 10:00 with a very happy and full stomach.

Saturday was St. Patrick’s Day. I started the day at the corner bar at noon sitting next to the lawyer girl and her boyfriend. We talked basketball for most of the day and had a pretty amusing afternoon. Around 5:00 I had four pitchers in me and was feeling a little too good for being that early. The Renter and I went to Jimmy Johns where I almost choked and died on a Gargantuan sub. I don’t know, but something about being drunk and eating slow don’t go together. After the near death experience I decided it might be a good idea to take a nap. Five hours later I woke up surprisingly sober.

The Renter practically forced me to go back up to the bar. I was content just to go back to sleep but that would have been a travesty being St. Patrick’s Day and all. The night proved to be quite entertaining with several people being kicked out for various reasons. I stayed back by the pool table and had one of my better days shooting. The neighbor kid asked me for $10 which I thought he was going to spend on beer. Later I found out that it might have been intended for a rather large woman at the bar who has offered “services” for cash before. Pretty freaking disgusting if you ask me. I had my “Kiss Me I’m Drunk” shirt on (annual St. Pat’s Day shirt) and she planted a wet one on my cheek. Even more disgusting.

The highlight of the evening was the girl the Renter had struck up a conversation with. This girl was by far the hottest woman in the bar. She had long curly blond hair and what could have been mistaken for mini basketballs attached to her chest. Large, supple, tan breasts that screamed to be released when she bent over to shoot pool. Yours truly surveyed situation and positioned myself at an advantageous position every time it was her turn. We started chatting a bit and it turned out neither one of us had had sex in quite some time. By the time 2:30 came around I had buttered her up enough (many shots) to get her to go home with me.

We got back to my house and she was taking her clothes off before we even got to my room. Watching her breasts being unveiled was a thing of beauty, pure beauty. We hopped in to bed and were having porn star sex (the only way I know how to) in no time. She was moaning and screaming, even talking a little dirty telling me to fuck her with my big cock. Well, this got me excited a little too quickly and I shot my load all over her breasts after only two minutes.

Actually, I was just kidding about the two minutes, it was more like a minute thirty seconds. Ok, I was kidding about the whole thing, although I would have been more than happy to get a minute thirty seconds over what I really got (nothing). My lack of sex streak is still intact.

Sunday morning I tried to go for a jog around 11:00 am. Major fucking mistake. After getting drunk twice on Saturday and inhaling who knows how many cigarettes (even the Renter said I was smoking a lot), jogging was not going to happen. I made it down one block, halfway up another, and had to quit. My heart and lungs were absolutely screaming at me to stop. Unfortunately one of the regulars drove by and honked as I panted and tried to stay upright. The whole trip took five minutes which is fifteen minutes less than the twenty minutes of barbing I received for the attempt at the bar Sunday night.

I only had one complaint about the whole weekend and that would be CBS’s coverage of the games. I’m not a big fan of HDTV, at least I wasn’t until this weekend. I don’t have it at home and I could really care less as long as the game is on. But when they give you the high definition feed and then unexpectedly take it away from you while you’re watching it on your friend’s 92” screen it really fucking sucks. I’m not exactly sure how the whole thing works in their production office, but switching the game to a normal feed and giving you a scrolling message at the bottom of the screen that they are telecasting another game with the high definition feed is pretty much like a slap in the face. The almighty CBS gods are telling you which game is more important and for that they can bite my ass.

And then they were switching games in and out as they came to their conclusions. I am a big fan of this, but when the Badgers have four minutes left and Nevada has thirty seconds left and you show me one Nevada play and then switch back to the Badgers I’m going to get a little pissed. I don’t want to see just one play and be abruptly shot back to the home town game. I’d be fine with staying on the game that’s ending and maybe miss two minutes of another game, but the jumping back and forth just ruined any continuity of the broadcast. And whatever happened to picture-in-picture that was invented over ten years ago? I think that would have solved any and all the problems that they ran in to. Well, as long as your TV is bigger than a 20”.

The final count on beer consumed over the past four days: 998 ounces. There were five shots of Southern Comfort thrown in there too but it was basically just a big beer weekend. Had I known I was at 998 ounces I would have had at least one more beer to get me over the thousand mark, but that will have to wait till next year.

Just as I prepared for the tournament not drinking four out of five days, I will now be in the recovery period of not drinking till Friday this week. I also have this diet plan that someone famously coined “Get as far away from 230 as you approach 30” and the big three oh is right around the corner. The scale at the gym was broken today but over the weekend at the FA’s house I was 237 (with clothes on) after eating chicken wings, pizza, and drinking, and for the record that is on the wrong side of 230 (usually I’m around 229 on the gym scale). That was on Thursday when I had only consumed 180 of the 998 ounces. I know, I’ve got some work to do.

I’ll get something funny on here soon. Like how I have received free condoms from various connections I have, but recently I’ve been introduced to something totally freaking cool and until now I’ve never used them: XL condoms. See, when you get them free you’re not too picky, but when one of my sources had free XL condoms, it put condoms in a whole new light for me. Unfortunately I had to “enjoy” by myself but still, totally freaking cool.

Oh wait, I forgot about the Renter’s story about standing in line at Walgreens and having to run and take a shit WHILE SHE WAS IN LINE CHECKING OUT!!! I wasn’t there to witness it, but I guess she ran off and picked up her change when she was done in the bathroom. Shit happens when you hang around me too much.