Embarrassing Conversation of the Day

To my condom supplier (female who I’ve tried to seduce – unsuccessfully):

Me: You know those things you gave me last week?

Condom Supplier: Yeah, what about them?

Me: I’ve gotta tell you, those XL condoms are pretty fucking cool.

Condom Supplier: The big ones? I’m glad you liked them. I guess that means that you got some over the weekend.

Me: Well, not exactly. The streak is approaching seven months now.

(Condom Supplier looks at me questionably.)

Me: Yeah, well, I kind of just wanted to try one on to see how it fit and one thing led to another and… I kind of used eight of them this weekend… just by myself… with myself.

Condom Supplier: So you didn’t use them for sex?

Me: Does sex with myself count?

(Condom Supplier looks at me like I’m really fucking weird that I masturbate in my living room while wearing a condom.)

Condom Supplier: Wow. I guess that takes safe sex to a new level.

(End of conversation with Condom Supplier, female who I have tried to seduce and now will be forever unsuccessful.)

Thankfully her cell phone started ringing and I was able to quickly duck out of the room.




I really wish I was making some of these stories up.




Emails from the 39 yr old woman at the gym.

Me: I'm going to test out my psychic abilities here. You were bench pressing yesterday, correct?

39 yr old: Try again Houdini...

I was at a seminar all day, but came back around 4pm and did some jogging and biking. The place was PACKED! I think all the girls drank too much on spring break and were trying to shed the new lbs...ha, kind of funny, they'll all be gone after a week or so. It's a trend.

How've you been?

Me: Huh. I saw a bench press with a 5 and a 2.5 on each end, figured it was you. But then again, you go all the way up to 10 pounds on each end!

I've been great but I'm paying for it now. Like the spring breakers, I need to be in the gym but I'm lazy today. I added up the total beer intake for the four day weekend of watching the college games all day long: 998 ounces.

I'll be jogging tonight. Or maybe I'll swing by the gym around 4:00 and do a little window shopping.

Nine more days till I turn 30 and I'm already a dirty old man.

39 yr old: If my calculations are right, that's like 62 beers ya nut! I had 5 Guiness on St. Pat's...maybe 60oz in total. I was at O'Briens and Shepherds...fun night, the band at O'Briens was very good. Did you stay at your local hangout.

I'm joggin tonight too (burger group met at lunchtime).

Ya, once you hit 30 you may not be able to hit on those young college
girls...they might want to call ya daddy. Hee hee hee


(Is it just me but seriously, hee hee hee?)


Me: B to the… might be turning 30 soon but Brian is 27 and in law school. Sadly, both of them need to lose 15 lbs.

62 beers? When you come from lowly UW schools your beers usually come in 12 ounce bottles. 998/12=83.

Yeah, I stayed at the corner and had to put up with a bunch of drunk strangers. It was ok I guess, played pool for most of the night.

Ya know, in the right situation they can call me daddy all they want.

I'd ask if you wanted to jog together tonight but it would turn out far worse than that game of raquetball did that I still owe you favors for.

39 yr old: Ahhh, how cool to have an alias. I like your way of thinking!

I'm Megan, 32, working on my Phd in Bio-med. (I'll try that next time.) lol

I wasn't sure if a beer was 12 or 16 oz...I'm more of rail drinker.
Captains..yum.

Regarding your 4th sentence...Perv! Lol

Your stride and mine may match up in a mixed up sort of way...your long stride to my non-smoking quick step (actually I run kind of slow). The dinner favor, aaaah, don't worry about it. But let's grab a drink to toast your birthday sometime when you can.

Me: Birthday toast, sweet!

I don't think I included "dinner" when I mentioned "favors".

39 yr old: LOL You're a bad boy.




If only she knew that she was rock star famous to the blog world and her emails were quoted word for word on my hilariously funny and yet somewhat demented website.



So we’re all set up to have drinks next week Thursday. There’s just one problem I foresee: how am I going to get home from downtown after having drinks after work?

You see, I don’t drink after I've been drivng, er, drive after I've been drinking. I’ve done that in the past once or twice (wink). So I have to think of something by next week Thursday. There’s always the bus, and it is a straight shot to and from work, but still, it’s the bus. I don’t know what’s worse, getting up early to catch the bus or actually riding on the bus. Or I could hope for some really nice weather and just walk the six miles back home. Painful. I’m sure I’ll think of something, but any helpful tips would be greatly appreciated.