The FA Found Nemo!!!

I had a conversation with the FA today. I had emailed him about some mutual fund transactions back in the year 2000 and his advice was to [can’t print sensitive material here because this blog is dedicated to big turd and small penis jokes]. We moved on to other topics like the “Big Game” party in his new home theater (which is actually like a theater with stadium seating and projector), his wife and the stripper pole, my Anal Sluts 6 DVD that I haven’t seen in over a year, and how his wife has taken a liking to anal sex being in her third trimester. Me, being a heterosexual male, have never had foreign objects in my ass, unless you count my thumb that one time I was driving home from work and had to crap REALLY bad. Receiving anal sex does not sound like something a person would enjoy. So I started thinking, in what situation might a woman offer up anal sex and actually enjoy it? Then it hit me, the exact situation that the FA is in right now: the wife is pregnant and he has a small penis. Now it all makes sense.

The FA is pretty freaking proud of his home theater. I haven’t seen it yet but he is really eager to get me over there for a movie. There’s only one problem.

FA: So, when are you going to come over and watch a movie?

Me: Uh, I don’t know.

FA: Well, how about this weekend?

Me: Uh, this weekend, uh, what’s going on this weekend, not much that I can think of, but you know me.

FA: Yeah, I know you. Over the years I have learned to not get my hopes up with some people when trying to plan something.

Me: Uh, like me? (why does every sentence start with “uh”? seriously, I did go to college, graduated even, with honors... in beer drinking.)

FA: I read in your blog that you’ve been getting out more, seeing movies (three months ago) and sporting events (two months ago). [Does that really sound like getting out?] And what about that piano bar, that wasn’t that bad, was it? I think it would be a nice place to take a date after dinner or something.

Me, laughing: Yeah, yeah, a date, dude, you’re pretty fucking funny.

FA: Well, you know, if you had a date it would be a nice place.

Me: The place fucking sucked.

FA: Anyway, why is it so hard to schedule stuff with you?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I don’t like setting shit up and then canceling at the last minute (kind of like that “date” last year who canceled with 30 minutes notice and left me literally hanging). If I schedule something for Saturday there’s always the possibility that I will get shit faced on Friday and not feel like doing anything (the great thing is I can use this excuse for every day of the week!). So I like to do stuff more on the fly, like that one time you walked in the bar without calling (how’d he know I was going to be there?) and we ended up going out to eat and watched a movie. If you had called me at 6:00 that night and asked if I wanted to go out to eat and watch a movie I would have said no.

FA: You really have some commitment issues, don’t you?

Me: I guess you could say that. And besides, do people really watch movies on Friday nights anymore?

FA: Yeah, the wife and I do all the time.

Me: Uh huh, that explains it. With the kid on the way, pretty soon you’ll be sitting down on a Friday night watching “Finding Nemo” or some other Pixar animated kids movie.

FA: Hey! I have that movie! You should hear the subwoofer when the shark tries to show how hard he can chomp, he goes “Chomp” [making chomping sound, really, I wish I was making this up], and you can feel it in your chest.

Me: How does he go?

FA: “Chomp.” (and he really did it again, sounded like he slobbered on his phone, too)

Me: And I told you to get the bigger subwoofer. Guess you didn’t need it.

FA: Hey, do you think this conversation is blog worthy?! (I think he gets off on the blog more than I do.)

Me: Uh, no, not really.

FA: How about the fact that I asked if it was blog worthy?

Me: Well…


Email to the FA: Well, you made it, happy now? Just don’t let the wife read it.


Ring, Ring… (that would be my phone)


FA: What did you do?! Don’t do this to me, I have enough to worry about right now!!

Me: Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad. Really.

FA: I know you can be a dick sometimes.

Me: There’s nothing to worry about, it’s all fine.

FA: My wife reads it, like, all the time! (I thought only women said "like"?)

Me: It’s not bad. I was going to email it to you but I think it might have gotten flagged for vulgarity or something (anal, sex, and fuck could slip in under the radar, right?).

FA: You know I can get you back, right?

Me: Yeah, probably, but you won’t have to.

FA: I’ll tell your mom about it. I’ll even print it out in color on some nice paper.

Me: Some of those turd pictures would look good in color. Think you can make it a scratch-and-sniff?

FA: You know what friends are? Liabilities. The less friends you have, the less liabilities you have to worry about. Any one of them can fuck you over at any time.

Me: Very true.


Email from the FA: I’m printing out your blog right now just incase you try to delete it tonight or something.


Email from me: Be sure to use the good paper.


[I must admit, the stuff about the FA’s wife wasn’t true, but I can’t confirm or deny that the FA has a small penis.]


[And the FA sent Shandoll an email pleading my case to get the name of her new site. Now I feel a little bad for letting the world (six people in three countries) know that he may or may not have a small penis. NAH!!!]