The Yahoo Personal Profile

I had to erase my Yahoo Personals profile. Not because I met someone and didn’t want to date other people. Not because I am super busy and don’t have time to date (although whacking off has been taking longer lately). But because one day I clicked on the “who’s viewed your profile” link and got this message:

· 0 women viewed your profile in the last 7 days

· 0 women in the last 30 days

Couldn’t they just fucking lie to me to ease the pain? I mean good Lord, there isn’t one fat, ugly, lonely woman out there browsing the personals that happens to see a handsome man with brown hair wearing a navy blue suit and decides to click on his profile? Not one? Maybe it was the title that scared them off: 6’4” white guy with 8” black man’s penis just looking to get laid. I mean, isn’t that what every woman wants? When I set the profile up it took a long time to come up with that title and let me tell you, I thought it was golden. Golden, baby! I envisioned hundreds if not thousands of women sending me winks and emails eager to get their hands down my pants. I even bought a day planner for at home to keep all the “appointments” straight. My stock portfolio went from having the blue chip stocks like GE, Apple, Intel, and Harrah’s (because they took enough from me in Vegas, needed to make some off them) to one large holding in a single company: Trojan. I bought seven sets of sheets so I wouldn’t have to do laundry every day. Who has time for that when your door bell rings every hour with a fine young piece of ass waiting for you on the other side of the door? I was thoroughly prepared. And then… nothing. Dead silence. No winks or suggestive emails with exposed boobies. No door bells ringing. No appointments in the planner. Nothing. You can imagine how disappointed I was. My stock in Trojan increased slightly as I purchased every condom I could find in the Milwaukee area, but now even that is down in the dumps. I’m almost going to be 30. If I were a woman I’d be considered damaged goods or something with the sight of becoming an old nag looming right around the corner. But, I can’t let that happen…

You see, I lied about deleting the Yahoo profile, I’m sorry. I promise to never lie on here again, really (ha, ha!). All I did was change it just a little bit, tweaked it if you will. Funny how many emails I got just by changing my sexual preference. I have been told I’d be a pretty hot gay guy before…