The Big Scare

3:30 the call from the sister came in. “B, your doctor called and left a message. She said you need some kind of shot and she wanted to talk to you about your blood work. Her number is 1-800-SUC-COCK.” The number really wasn’t suc cock but I’d let her if she wanted to. My doctor that is, not my sister.

One week earlier I had gone in for the annual checkup. Since I had never had an STD test I figured it would be a good idea to have them check for everything. When my sister told me about the blood work thing I got on the phone right away. I called the doctor’s office and left a message and my cell phone number. 4:00, no call. 4:30, no call. 5:00, no call. I was going to go to the gym after work but they don’t allow cell phones in the workout area. Even with knowing that the chances of me getting a call from the doctor’s office after 5:00 was slim and none I still avoided it. What does one do when you’re waiting for a call from the doctor to talk about your blood work? You go to the bar where your new cell phone gets awesome fucking service and you drink. You drink heavily. You drink heavily to the point where you can’t play pool by 9:00. You drink heavily to the point where by the end of the night everyone in the whole bar knows that you “have something” but you’re not sure what that something is. Oh, and because of that you will never get laid again. Ever.

10:30 Saturday morning the doctor’s office called back. The doctor gave me the wonderful news that my penis is not going to fall off any time in the near future. Nope, good in that area (she actually did say I have a nice and disease free penis, really). The only thing that’s wrong is that my liver is failing. I shouldn’t say failing, but one of the tests came up a little high. Whatever that means (any potheads want to inform me what a little high is?), so I have to abstain from alcohol for ten days straight and go back in for another test. Oh, and for the flu shot that they forgot to give me.

(I’m going to guess the three pitchers I had the night before the appointment would be the culprit but we’ll see. And ten days? Fuck.)

(And I posted this in my underwear just in case you wanted to know.)