I Sweat

I smoke. I drink beer (if “drinking” is what you call it). I sweat. I sweat a lot. I sweat when I’m nervous. I sweat when I walk up stairs. I sweat when I eat spicy food (but I still love those hot wings!). I sweat waiting in line at Walmart. I sweat so much at the gym that my urine changes to a darker color yellow. I sweat at meetings. I sweat when I don’t know what to say. I sweat taking shits but if you’ve seen them you’d know why. I sweat carrying laundry up from the basement. I sweat during sex. I sweat when I beat off. I sweat when I think about beating off (which is a lot). I sweat when I’m standing on a ladder. I sweat when I’m shopping. I sweat when I know I have to shake people’s hands making my hands even sweatier. I sweat speaking in front of groups of people. I sweat when I’m in close confines with other people. In other words, I sweat for about 60% of my waking hours.

I bought new shoes about a month ago, actually just wrote the check out for them today. They’re just brown dress/casual shoes that I wear at work. They’re made by Dockers and have a decent sole that will come handy this winter. The heels are a little over an inch thick so I tower over people just a little more than I used to. When I got them home from the store I saw a little tag on them that said they were waterproof. I thought great, not like I’m going to be playing in the snow with them but it can’t hurt with winter approaching. Unfortunately I didn’t realize that being waterproof on the outside also meant they are waterproof on the inside. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this, but I tend to sweat just a little bit. Walking around at work makes my feet sweat. When I get to the gym at noon the portion of my sock that was actually in the shoe is noticeably darker in color than the part that was not in the shoe. Noticeably darker and noticeably damper. But damp is not the right word, more like soaked to the point where my toes look a little pruney. I always try to spread my socks out in the locker so they might have a chance to dry out while I’m lifting weights. But this never happens. After I lift weights I have to slide the now cold and still wet socks back on and go back to work. On really “good” days I can smell my feet while I’m sitting at my desk. It’s great. Really.

I did my laundry the other day and straightened up my room. I usually have clean and dirty clothes on the floor and I wanted to make sure I kept everything separate. My bed was a little disheveled so I figured while I’m folding clothes I might as well strip the blankets off and tuck the sheets under the mattress at the foot of the bed (I wasn’t quite motivated enough to actually wash them). While lifting up the mattress I must have lost my balance or something as I ended up doing a face plant on the mattress. A face plant that left me almost gagging as my nose was in direct contact with the worst foot odor you could ever imagine. Every guy knows that if you have a really nasty gym bag or a lunch bag that’s been sitting out for a month you can’t just smell it once, you have to double check to see if it’s really that bad and then see if you can find someone to share it with. I leaned over and sniffed again and it was indeed horrible. I thought about planting the Renter’s nose in it but the smell really was that disgusting, I would have actually felt bad. I didn’t want to have to clean up vomit after she would have puked on my bed, either. Funny thing is, three days later, do you think I’ve washed them yet?