Emails

I’m going to do something today that I don’t usually do and it may or may not piss a certain individual off. But then again this individual doesn’t like to read the blog since she thinks I sound like an asshole or something to that nature. So here it goes: the email conversation.

Red: Are you online today? Talk to me, please, I’m so bored. You didn’t even comment on my pix? [I hate it when people abbreviate stuff like that and “u” and “ur” and all that shit, but oh well] Did you get them?

B to the…: Yeah I'm onlne. What's up? Do I have to comment on your pictures? Do you need to have someone tell you that you’re pretty and hot to make you feel better or something? You should know that you are both of those. And yes, I did like the red hair. Would look better spread out on my white sheets, but a guy can only dream… [actually my sheets are blue but that wouldn’t have the same effect]

Red: I have a love-hate response to your insistent honesty.

B to the…: Hey, it’s better than lying, playing games, and sugar coating things. It’s a lot easier, too. Maybe that’s why I’m always honest, I’m lazy.

Red: I like the honesty because I trust you and your opinions more than most people I know and that feels good. However there are times, when the calling out of the truth makes me feel embarrassed and exposed, which are not comfortable feelings, thus the hate. I never heard someone say that honesty was easier before. But I think you’re right, which is why my life always seems complicated. I’ve got a lot of layers between me and other people….more space for smoke and mirrors….its a lot of up-keep. So, is the blog you at your most exposed? Are you really about beer and poop and the next lay? You’re a puzzle to me for some reason.


B to the…: How can you feel embarrassed about who you are? I mean, that is the truth, isn’t that what you want people to know you for? For example, me, I’m a lazy accountant [not lazy at work of course] who has very little ambition to study and take the CPA test, partakes in a beverage or two or three on a regular basis (wink), pretty much set in my ways doing things that may or may not be wholesome but bring me a sense of contentment. How would you describe yourself deep down inside once the smoke clears? I’m not sure if I’m glad that I puzzle you (am I a man of intrigue? Cool.) but I’m really not that hard to figure out.

Red: Maybe I don’t like the person that I see when the smoke clears, and maybe I can never fully see through the smoke…it’s just become part of my reality. Maybe the tricks seem easier to me than changing what I don’t like about myself because that would involve the possibility of failure. I also put too much stock on what the people around me will think of the real heather. They might not like her and then leave her. You seem like you’re not that hard to figure out, but are you totally content? I don’t know. It’s probably just me looking into something that’s not there. Sometimes you seem like this interesting guy with a huge heart and sometimes you seem like a shallow asshole. Your eyes say one thing and your actions another. But I guess it’s the actions that count. And if you’re content, then who gives a crap(edit) what other people think. I’d give my left foot to be content. No joke.

My current situation: crazy in love with this guy who breaks my heart on a regular basis because he requires a certain level of honesty that I, in my present state of self-denial, cannot give him. So really it’s me breaking my own heart, and yet I continue to act the same way over and over.



B to the…: Who would this “crazy in love with” guy be?

I can see where you’re coming from I think. I used to try to be “cool” and maybe say or do things that weren’t who I actually was. But that sucked, wondering what people thought of you and if they liked you or not, you have enough stuff to worry about other than that. Ok here, another truth, I can honestly say that I don’t have a whole lot of friends. I have a lot of acquaintances at the bar and hang out with some of them on the outside (real life), but I’m not sure if I’d call them friends. Do I care what they think about me? When I let out a really raunchy fart at the bar do I wonder what’s going through their heads (besides vomiting)? No, not really, that’s who I am. They know I openly fart there (geez, no wonder why I’m single). Do they actually want me to sit next to them and chat or are they just putting up with me? Doesn’t matter, I’m going to sit there and talk no matter what. Are the bartenders just being nice to me because that’s their job and they want a good tip? As long as they give me beer and don’t spit in it I’m happy, doesn’t matter if they were actually laughing at my jokes or just laughing at me because I am who I am. Thing is I’m me and I’m not going to change that to make other people think more highly of me. I can be an asshole at times (usually not) but that doesn’t happen often. People can think of me anyway they want.

I would suggest (although taking advice from me is probably not a good idea) clearing the smoke just a little at a time, put the fan on low and see what happens. What’s there to lose? I think you’ll have more fun and satisfaction saying and doing things you want to say and do deep down inside, throwing caution out the window along with the smoke. Hey, you never know, maybe the “real” Red is totally fucking cool, maybe even cooler than “please tell me I’m pretty” Red, maybe even prettier and more confident (confidence is always sexy). So you tell me I’m fat and my stomach hangs over my belt when I’m sitting at work. Ok, fine, it does, want to see it [it flattens out when I stand up, I swear!]? Do you have any diet suggestions? So you tell me smoking is nasty and stinky. Yeah it is but what am I going to do, quit? Ha!

Are we still up for Monday? We can go to a place on Greenfield right down the road, I’ve never been there.

(Actually, looking back through the lines I only deleted one of hers. Hopefully she won’t get upset with me or anything. I just wanted to let you in behind the scenes of my world, maybe a little peak into the cavity where the brain should be located. Yeah, with my luck she will read this and cancel on me, which would be really sad because she is super cool. And super hot to boot. And she said she wants to make out with me and making out is always good. We did that once and it was a very special moment for me, passionate and long overdue.)