Red

Ok, someone had "Red's" name down and I don't see that I posted that, so posting it might have been not exactly the right thing to do (we'll see if she cancels on me, hope not, really hope not, she has a special spot in my heart).

Friday night at the bar was a little interesting. The former roommate and I were partners playing pool and let me tell you, I don't play pool. I fucking suck. I think it might go back to the days in high school when the geometry teacher didn't want homework handed in if you got A's on every test (which I did, I was smart like that). Kinda like when I was taking the SATs and everyone busted out their calculators for the math section and dumbass me forgot mine, still got a 96 on it. The angles for pool just don't come to me. I have my moments, but... Anyway, I'm sitting by the pool table when I feel my arms get pinned behind me. Next thing I know I have Richie's lips on mine as he's planting a wet kiss on my lips. What the hell, I can't do anything to stop this and his fucking subbly lip is touching mine. Not good. Appearantly he was dared and paid $17 to kiss me so I don't blame him too much since he's a cash whore, but still. So I was kissed by a dude. Yuck.

Second issue of the day: why does working at the door of the old folks lounge turn me into a horn ball/asshole? Generally I talk to all the women, young or old, and I try to be nice, but the sex craved (deprived) B to the... comes out every once in a while. But what I don't understand is the asshole coming out. What the...? I'm not an asshole, but when people try to get in for free or bitch and moan about the cover charge, I get really fucking unhappy. Usually I'm a very happy-go-lucky guy, but when people are stupid and try to pull shit I'm not game. I think I've been reading "Club Life" too much. Granted we don't have shitheads starting shit and I've never had to kick anyone out, but still. The day that happens I will be a changed man. I can easily toss anyone out who walks in that bar but I'd rather not. I'd rather do it in a peaceful, quiet matter but if it comes to physically removing someone I will, and that will be the changing point. I've always been afraid of hitting someone as hard as I could, and I would not do that working the door. I'd much rather grab the individual, arms behind the back, and lead them out. But if shit's going down... The day I get phyasical with an individual will change me life, and trust me, I will come out on top.

Which is part of the reason why I've taken lifting weights to a new level. On the plane flights to and fro Cancun I was reading an issue of Flex magazine. Good shit, let me tell you. So when I got back I bought six chicken breasts, a dozen eggs, three cans of fruit, and two bags of salad. And I gained two pounds on this "diet" the first week back from vacation. Think that was all musclue? Is it wrong that for this $8 an hour job that I'm trying to improve my physique to be more imposing? $8 an hour isn't worth it, but if you figure the money that I'm saving by not being on the other side of the bar it works out. $8 an hour and I'm back doing bench presses (which fucked up my shoulder) just to be a bigger man. Not that I need to be a bigger man socially, everyone loves me. But those fucks who don't know me, who try to get in for free, who complain about not having a chair to sit in (happened tonight, and yeah, fuck, you, I don't care, until someone stole my chair), screw you and I'm not putting up with it. What are you getting for the $6-$8 cover charge? You're getting in the fucking door, you're getting past me, you're getting the opportunity ot have a beverage and listen to a good band, what the fuck else do you want? You ain't getting sex, that'll cost you $150 in Cancun. I think this night job has tainted me just a little bit. One of these days I wil grab some mother fucker by his collar and lead his ass out. When that day comes, B to the... will be a different man.

But then again, I just stepped outside for a cig and had some deep thoughts. Why do I whore myself out for $8 an hour? [changing subject] Would having a "real" girlfeind really be that bad? Could I handle having someone be my "partner" (female mind you) for more than two months? I think "Red" might be up for that, but can I? Or am I just going to fuck it up just like every other relationship that I've had? Which is why I'm hessitant with "Red", she's technically the one that got away (and came back), and we'd be perfect together. But with my dating history (not good), I'm afraid I'd fuck it all up like usual. Would it be better to keep her as a very good freind or to step out on the ledge (I'm not suicidal, serious) and see what might happen? I'm leaning towards going for it, I don't see any reasone why not to. She's very nice, maybe a little insecure, but she has a good heart and I know she isn't up to any shnanigans. She's honest (I'm getting her to shed the layers, I hope), and I trust her completely. I think it would take a lot of effot on both our parts to make it work, but hey, it might be worth it. I'm 100% sure it would if we both put the effort in, but...

Sucks getting burned in love, really sucks.