Yahoo Personal

So if Yahoo Personals sends you an email saying you have a new message and to click “here”, why the fuck do you still have to log in with your username and password? It was in YOUR fucking email inbox!!! And even worse, I’m actually quite depressed now, very, some womanemailed me and it’s going to cost me $25 to subscribe and email her back. Here’s her email.

Oh my god - you're hillarious! I laughed through most of your profile!
How funny! So hey, yeah - lets have one or two beers - I am a big wings girl too - I do like the blue cheese over the ranch BUT will eat the ranch and certainly NOT complain. I DO NOT smoke. I say it like that only because I quite (after 20 years), on July 15th. I go out and have had others with me that smoked but I don't think I could resist if I was at home, on the couch watching TV......I mention this cuz I don't want to smoke again. Then again it's not like I'm looking for to get married here - just hang out. Be buddies and hey, if something more comes from it great - if not, that's good too.

I don't work out, at least not at the gym. I look for ways to stay in shape and so far it's worked so i'm not about to change anything. I am a HUGE fan of burgers - and the greesy ones are the best. I even like McDonalds Double Cheeseburger - plain with pickles; then again I guess that's not really plain now is it. Anyway - I am not a sports buff but REALLY like hanging out and watching football, having a few bloody mary's and a nice blackened chicken sandwich. Oh with extra mayo! Ohhhh, and the brewery chips at water street brewery are my absolute fav!
I am right at this very moment having a berry weiss. This past weekend I even induldged in a few pabst! Yes, that's correct - i drank a pabst. Actually I drank a few! Why you may ask - well, because I like it. I know, I know - but my top joe smoe beer is Pabst, then i like Corona (sp?), and then the berry weiss. I work by the airport and there is a bar out that way (no not the strip club), I think it's called the Landmark. They have a Cherry beer, oh and a cider beer too. Those are very taisty!

For my job I take clients charter fishing, skeet and trap shooting (yes, I know - "are you kidding" with your eyes wide while you're reading this), lots of golf, pheasant hunting (there's those eyes again)! I can take a client out and do just about any activity there is. I'm looking for a client that I can take horseback riding since it is my favorite pass-time activity.

Well -looks like we both ramble. Hey - I'm shooting you a note here because you made me laugh. Usually I can only make myself laugh - at myself - cuz i'm kinda funny like that. :) But you did good B! Yup, I think I may have even chuckled out loud! OOOOHHHHHH - I know, it's a big deal! Don't you ever wonder how someone else will be reading what you write - do they take it out of the context in which you are typing it and saying it in your head? LOL.

Uh - okay then. Yeah - well, here I go - signing off! Holy crap - it's midnight! eeks - will be a long day tomorrow!

K

So she’s cute, pretty thin, drinks beer and loves McDonalds. I am seriously considering paying $25 for the one month subscription just to meet this woman. But $25? I can get stupid drunk at the corner bar for $25 (not that I ever have). I can feed a kid in Ethiopia for a month with $25 (according to the commercials, who knows what they’re feeding them). I can put that $25 on a football game and win $23 (won’t be on the Packers, but I don’t have a problem betting against them). I can buy 16 bags of sunflower seeds (232 ounces) that would last me well over a month. Funny thing is I don’t have a problem putting a $25 chip on the blackjack table (or two of them stacked together, have to stay away from that). So that being said I should just pay it and email her back, see what happens from it. I’ll pay the $25 and send some lame email like “Hey, nice to hear from you. I liked your profile and wouldn’t mind hooking up for some porn star sex and chicken wings. You’re going to have to drive to my corner bar as I don’t drive after drinking. You won’t have to either as my bed is fairly comfortable with only a few lumps and I have ear plugs on hand for when I start snoring. Oh, and don’t mind the Asian roommate, she might peek her head in the door while we’re having sex but she’s just observing and fingering herself under her nightgown. In the morning I will mow the lawn right outside the window and wake you up for Sunday football. Sitting at the corner bar, please don’t egg on the overly horny bartender (who will smell your seat after we leave) or mind the evil looks the Asian roommate gives you (she’ll still be jealous about the sex you got 12 hours ago). After four pitchers of beer I will be silly funny, after six pitchers we might have to have some more sloppy drunken sex after which I will pass out for eleven hours till my alarm clock wakes me up to go to work. If any of this interests you at all please call me at 1-800-PLEASE-FUCK-THE-SHIT-OUT-OF-ME-AS-I-HAVENT-BEEN-MY-USUAL-SLUT-SELF-IN-QUITE-A-WHILE.”

Killer!!! I just found out how to get a 7 day free pass!!! Game on!!! Here is what I actually emailed her:

You have got to be fucking kidding me. Never did I think I’d pay for an online dating service (actually I still haven’t, 7 day free trial!). But recently I received a message in my Yahoo mailbox that left me speechless for most of the morning (thank goodness no one called at the office). And yes, it was yours. And by the way, if you had included your email address with your post I wouldn’t have to cancel this 7 day free trial offer next week (but that’s ok). Oh, by the way, mine is (blank). So… You like beer, chicken wings, and McDonalds. Will you marry me? Whoa, just kidding. I’m glad you laughed at the stupid profile thing, and yes, unfortunately all that shit is true (and stupid). Oh wait, I just double checked it, there are some misstatements in it. I’m not actually 6’5”, more like 5’9”. Just kidding on that one, dad was measuring my sister one day so I did it too, 6’4”, but 6’5” with shoes on! It also has the body type as “athletic” but that should have a sub-description saying that although I go to the gym everyday I usually have to be revived by a homeless man after I pass out from running 2.5 miles (even worse when he tries to give me CPR. I gave him toothpaste last time I saw him). Sadly, I wasn’t kidding about the “Cheers” part and my local sports bar being 90 steps away (65 from the front door). I get phone calls from friends if I don’t show up on any given night. There is rarely a night when I don’t know over half the people in there. But that is my evening entertainment. Some people might read, some people might watch TV, I sit at the bar and talk with lawyers and hairdressers for three hours a night watching whatever baseball/basketball/football game is on (thank goodness the regular season has started, my hands were starting to shake). So I guess the “drinks socially” part could be amended to “drinks socially every day but handles it like a champ.” Oh boy, has any of this turned you off yet and make you wish you never replied to some stupid profile that made you laugh? If that stupid thing made you laugh, I write on a stupid blog every night. I’d tell you the address, but I don’t think any woman would date me after reading about the stupid stuff I do/write. I’ll forward you the entry about your message and the $25 monthly Yahoo fee (before I found out about the 7 day free trial thing) if you want.

I liked your message, it actually sounds like we might have something in common. If not I’ll just lie and pretend like we do so I can get in your pants. No, I wouldn’t do that, at least not the lying part… I’ll just shut up now. Take care.

We actually emailed several times throughout the day and she seemed pretty cool (except for the horse and cat crap, evil animals). So the odds of me getting laid tomorrow are roughly 1 in 146,107,962. She joked about having sex with me if I won the lottery tonight ($64.5 cash option!), but I've got this feeling...