Why does my bag of sunflower seeds state that these two ounces of seeds have 200 calories when I check my shit (just a visual) and find whole undigested seeds? Wouldn’t that be closer to zero calories if they just pass right through you? I have found that while the salt makes your mouth dry and your cheeks stick to your gums so you can’t talk properly, they really help pass the time, make me totally forget about cigarettes (at least for two hours), and curb my appetite as I’m constantly eating but they’re only sunflower seeds that pass right through me. While not exactly health food (I think they’re kind of fatty), if they pass right through you what’s the difference? The best part is they’re totally fucking cheap, $1.50 for a bag that will last me three days. Granted your boss might look at you funny when you have a handful of seeds in your mouth and you look like Alvin the Chipmunk or Owen Wilson, but you better believe he/she will be doing the same thing when they see the pounds magically fall off you. So if you start getting spam about a new sunflower seed diet, please call my agent since I’ll be loaded with cash from the spam and my book deal that I won’t want to be disturbed sitting on the beach in Mexico (with two topples Mexicans on either side of me, but not like these). But more like these.


How about another weight loss story? Back when I was in college, probably 21 or 22, some girl broke my heart after being together for three years (that reminds me, I still have Polaroid’s of her topless and with my penis in her mouth, but nevermind). I was pretty much devastated, one of those where that’s the only thing you think about and you still call every day just so she can not answer and you leave a really disgustingly sappy message. Yeah, it was bad, will never go there again, might have affected my dating life just a bit (understatement). Anyway, I’d wake up early in the morning and go jogging two miles pretty much every day. I’d shower, grab the bag lunch mom made and head off to school. I’d hit the veggies first, maybe around 9:00, because I didn’t think veggies would make you fat so I’d eat them all. Around 11:00 I’d bust out the sandwich, peal off the bread, and just eat the meat (got a little messy when it was chopped up beef in mayo, but I still did it right in the middle of class in the back row). Later on I’d finish whatever else was in the bag whenever the urge came, usually a banana or something like that. After school I’d hit the corner bar which I just moved next to. Back then it was really quiet in there, maybe five people max. The bartender was a sports gambling fiend so he’d always have college basketball on (still remember watching an Indiana game when he said “Short white guy on the line, short white guys always make their free throws.” And they did.). So I’d do my homework at the bar while drinking two pitchers of beer, having a cigarette after every second glass. Back them I was 210 lbs, I had just bench pressed 300 lbs two Sunday’s in a row (I thought that was pretty impressive), but after the breakup the strength went down the tubes and with the before mentioned diet I lost 25 lbs in a month, down to 185. I was pretty impressed, even with the loss of strength my muscles stood out a lot without all the fat covering them. But then we got back together (bad idea) for a couple months and I gained it back.

So there you have it, two fantastic weight loss strategies. Either start chomping on sunflower seeds or have your girlfriend/boyfriend dump you after three years. I’d go with the sunflower seeds as three years is a long time to wait to lose weight.