Mostly Crap You Don't Want To Read

Email from Asian roommate:

got toothpaste, teeth all clean!!

Bitch was using my toothpaste when she had strep throat. I'm not a doctor but YA THINK THAT'S NOT EXACTLY A SMART FUCKING THING TO DO? My response to Asian roommate:

Oooh, got tooth paste, teeth all clean, me brush dem very well, wit toot brush even, time to eat my fwied wice.

And she threatened to cut holes in my underwear so my balls hang out but I think they do already so that’s no big deal. I can do much worse like have sex with her teddy bear (thought about it a couple of times) or kick her ass to the curb in the middle of winter (without helping move of course). Oh I'm not that evil, the kicking her out part.


Gotta love those crack whores, they keep the economy going. (Don’t ask me where that came from, said it to the roommate this morning as we were getting ready for work.)


I saw geese flying south today, great big V formation (but one side was longer than the other, wonder why?). Fuck, winter is coming and I’ll be trapped inside my house all the time. Or trapped at the bar, better start a small savings account for the winter bar tab. Shit, not being able to sit on my deck (as I am now) and write about the dumbest crap some people supposedly like to read while getting hammered on cheap vodka and lemonade? I’m fucked. Might as well start studying for the CPA test and kiss my “not your average accountant” life goodbye. I'm picking up a bow tie from Walmart today just in case.


People at the gym called me Brian three times today. Old lawyer said “Brian” and waves me over. He points to the chic at the front desk. “I asked her if she liked her job and she said the only reason she does it is to watch you workout.” Later Jim says, “You young guys and your flat stomachs, hell, Brian even weighs himself with his shoes on.” At the end old lawyer again, “Wow Brian, you’re really sweating today. Working hard?” Me, “No, it’s just the Duncan Donuts coffee I had at 10:00, not used to the caffine. Or it could be the three pitchers of beer and pack of cigarettes from last night, it’s a toss up.” The legend of Big Bad Brian lives on.


Saw the 40ish woman at the gym as she was leaving out the other stairway, just caught a shot at her ass. But as I was going up the other stairs there’s this hot college chic in front of me. I let her go up first and sneak a peek at the ass, not bad, keep my head down the rest of the way like a gentleman (come on, me?). She beats me to the top of the stairs and holds the door for me. “Sorry, I’m just a little slow.” She does situps in the corner for 10 minutes and smiles at me as she heads to the elliptical machine. Gentleman B goes out the window and Big Bad Brian comes in with music blaring, lights flashing, ripping his shirt off like only Hulk Hogan can. Her ass is pumping on this machine and my eyes are glued (except for the occasional dart to the left and right to make sure no one is watching me). This girl's got it going on! I make a point to go to the other room and walk in front of her to check out the rack, very nice. By the time I got back from the other room she was sweating her ass off with her hair pulled up and her face a different shade of red. Sweaty girls might not turn some guys on but holy shit I had to concentrate to keep Mr. Winky from making an unexpected appearance. The rest of the workout consisted of me finding machines that gave me a good view of her ass while I imagined sweat dripping off of her and on to me as we’re having porn star sex that’s actually worth taping (we could make fortunes!). So I’m thinking a little lunch time aerobic session in her dorm room would be a good excuse to skip the gym one day (or every day for that matter).

Tomorrow I'll fill you in on two weight loss secrets I have stumbled across in my 29 years of existence. I'm off to a wonderful evening of downing as much beer as possible (did six pitchers on a couple of occasions) and servicing the roommate (wait, that wasn't in the rental agreement, she should pay me more for that, right?). This is my life (plus or minus a couple exadurations, have to keep posting that to keep the Feds off my ass!).