No Title, Jumps Around Too Much

Pretty funny, two days after I put her picture on my blog Paris Hilton gets pulled over for DUI.


Email #1 from today (from Marquette):

B,

Thank you for your recent gym renewal at Marquette University. Upon review of your membership renewal, it was noticed that you were charged incorrectly for your Alumni Individual membership. You were charged $90 instead of $113. In order to activate your ID card, please remit $23 to the Main Office at your earliest convenience.
Should you have any questions, please contact me.

My email after dropping off the check:

Please tell me that either a) you received my check and I'm paid in full or b) I have to go donate plasma tonight to cover the rising gym costs.

B

They didn’t get back to me yesterday so I feared the worst and donated plasma twice last night and swung by the sperm bank but after yanging away for 30 minutes I gave up. The 60 yr old nurse wouldn't help me out either. Today I feel a little woozy and my crotch and right arm hurt. But I have $46 in my pocket!


Email #2 from today (from roommate):

ok why do i have a strong desire to make out with someone today? maybe i shouldnt of ordered from jimmy john's today.

Yeah, she doesn’t do too much with punctuation and has a thing for the Jimmy John's delivery boy. My response:

Why do I have this urge to fuck Paris Hilton?
Is that ass sticking out of her skirt?

(By the way, think she does anal sex? I’m guessing her ass is pretty tight since I’m sure she doesn’t eat half a cow in one sitting (so I like meat). Wait, does that mean my ass is loose? Nope, just did the thumb check, it seems pretty tight to me. But seriously, sex with Paris Hilton? I don’t know if it would be the actual sex that would be great or knowing that you’re fucking a snotty little rich bitch, I’m guessing more the later.)


The 32oz Gatorade bottle I use for water at work is the same bottle I take to the gym with me. Taking my first gulp of water today I almost gagged at the stench of body odor coming from the cap. Maybe I shouldn’t put it in the same compartment in my gym bag with my shoes. It smelled like I stuffed it under my armpit for the whole workout. I could smell it just walking down the hall carrying it, hope nobody thought the odor was actually me. Quite disgusting, didn’t stop me from using it throughout the day.


Funny clip I found on some comedians blog:

I don't do well on job interviews. They always ask dumb questions that no one ever answers honestly.

Like, "What would you consider your biggest accomplishment at your last job?"
"My biggest accomplishment? Well, one morning, I drank so much coffee that I could see through walls."

Or, "Well, I really hated my job, so I stayed out drinking one night, and I was out so late that I got home just in time to wake up for work the next day. Well, I had to save all my sick days for this vacation I was planning on taking, so I came into work still drunk. I fell asleep on the toilet for three hours and no one noticed. That was a pretty big accomplishment."

Another dumb question: "What would you consider your biggest strength?"
"I can jerk off without using my hands. . . . I am showing you. I'm showing you right now."

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
"In a crystal ball. That's where I always see the future."

"What do you bring to the company?"
"I'm a team player. I have a fantasy baseball team, a fantasy football team."

"What's your biggest weakness?"
"I do have a weakness for alcohol. I have a 'lateness problem,' so I'll show up around noon every day - really drunk. Fall asleep on the toilet for three hours, but don't worry no one will notice. Also, I cut myself to see if I can still feel. Then, I'm going to sell your computer for crack."

That's it, sorry to disappoint you.