Underwear

I need new underwear. Only problem is my shit is so old that I can’t read the tag to see what size they are. Not only can I not read the tags, some of them have quarter sized holes in them (my testicles have felt the insides of my pants on many occasions). I’ve made several trips to Walmart and browsed the underwear section many times but not knowing the correct size I never bought anything. And after a recent “commando day” I realize the importance of underwear over my sweaty/smelly junk (oops, forgot to mention large). Which brings me to this question: why hasn’t a woman, after seeing the state of my underwear, abruptly gotten dressed and leave me hanging (literally) with a throbbing unit? I’ve seen women’s underwear drawers on Room Raiders (told you I was an MTV fanatic) and they’re filled with crap loads of nice underwear in various colors and styles.
I have yet to see a holy pair of granny panties or faded thong. Women seem to pride themselves on having nice underwear. So what does that say about me and my holy/faded/stretched out with no elastic left briefs that probably look like this guys?
Is it that I don’t respect my junk enough (but trust me I do) to cover them in some nice silk boxers? Could be that I get laid so sporadically (three times in one weekend, then zero times for three months) that I never know when I should wear the good ones. It’s not like I had planned to make out with anyone at the bar three weeks ago, shit just happens whenever. I think the real reason that women don’t leave is they see what I have in store for them and they brush the shitty underwear as a minor flaw in me (I have way, way more). And while I’ve been told by the neighborhood gay guy that men would be attracted to me, I don’t think a gay guy would stick around after seeing the state of my undees. My conclusion is women don’t leave as I only pick the highest quality women, well, just the best of the drunk women at the bar.