Big Bad Brian

It’s doubly official now, I’ll have to let mom know I need to change my birth certificate. Walking into the gym today I was greeted with “Hey, big bad Brian, how’d the weekend treat you?” Of course Brian isn’t my name but like I have many other times, I just went along with it. “Weekend was good, ate too much, drank way too much, started feeling guilty about not working out.” Old (but not smelly anymore since he’s been changing his clothes) lawyer, “Ah, sometimes that’s good for you to take some days off.” I don’t think he really understood that my “drank too much” comment was really an understatement. The correct response should have been “Weekend was good, ate too much, drank so much that I slept till noon everyday and didn’t feel like doing shit during the day but start drinking again, mowed the lawn, washed the car, and drank some more, and some more, and just a little more.”

I’m starting to like this new name thing. By day I’m the normal B, laid back, funny, little perverted, try to make everyone around me have a good day. But at noon, walking into the gym, I’m Big Bad Brian (notice the capital letters), biggest boy in the weight room (not saying much), pounding every weight in sight, working up a sweat as I max out all the machines, catching glances from the college coeds with my tan arms and large chest/back combo (won’t even mention the chicken legs). My alter ego pumps iron till his muscles ache, sweats till his underwear is soaked, all the while ignoring his pounding his heart from the pack of cigarettes the night before. Big Bad Brian is an animal. For one hour Bruce Banner becomes the Hulk,
devouring weights and ogling women (the Hulk can be perverted, right?). College freshmen stay out of his way, afraid to interrupt the Green Machine’s workout (even though the old fucking lawyers do it all the time, bastards). Somehow this illiterate Hulk manages to find a place in the heart a 40ish old woman, and she finds a place in his. After the Hulk transforms back to Bruce Banner they have intellectual conversations over dinner and make passionate love, even though she knows he will turn into the Hulk again the next day (I think she kind of likes the Hulk) and may or may not remember the intellectual conversation due to his extreme level of intoxication at dinner. If only the hot 40ish woman looked like the co-star of "The Hulk", Jennifer Connelly.
I’m just hoping no one calls me on this as I’d be pretty embarrassed to have everyone call me Brian for a year when that’s not my name and I never corrected anyone on it.