Another story from Monday. After chatting with the 38 year old and ribbing the bartender for most of the night I was in a really good/giddy mood. She left and I was left to finish my pitcher while karaoke was starting up (painful). I closed my tab, downed my last glass and headed for the door. The Asian roommate left shortly before I did and was 20 steps ahead of me. “Race you to the door!” I was surprised at how fast the Asian roommate could run, I couldn’t catch her, but then again she was sober. (Lesson to note: don’t fuck with Asians, they’re pretty fucking quick.) She kicked my ass going in the back door while I fumbled with my keys at the front door. But while running home I heard some guy say “Dude, are you ok?” in a not so friendly manner. Turns out it was a friend of the girl who’s ass I smacked on the way out the door. On the way out of the bar I noticed an ex-girlfriend’s roommate standing right by the door. We really don’t know each other too well but I had the Asian ask her if I could get a BJ (turned down, fuck) and have given her shit on many occasions. She’s short, pretty cute, and has a nice small round ass. So I gave her ass a soft backhand and headed out the door not thinking anything more. By the time the guy was yelling at me the roommate was out of sight behind the house and it was just me running at full tilt down the sidewalk. I can only imagine that this guy has seen me before (I’m only there every day), probably knows my name or knows of me, and now thinks I just did a slap and run on his girlfriend’s/female friend’s ass. Great. I received a text message from the ex-girlfriend the next day (by the way who’s wireless internet connection is labeled “Big Titty” network, and yes they’re fucking huge) saying that her roommate was offended that I backhanded her ass as I walked out the door. My first thought is you’ve gotta be kidding me. My Financial Advisor vividly remembers a night downtown when the ex-roommate was dancing with some broad with his hands firmly planted on her ass (actually he wasn’t dancing, wasn’t even moving, just had his hand and eyes fixated on her ass). D, you might want to elaborate in the comment section as you witnessed it. I wasn’t on the floor as I’m tall and I’m white, D is only 5’10” so he can dance a little (he always says he’s 6’ but for some reason he can’t shoot a layup without me smacking it into the stands). Anyway, she went on about how N doesn’t know me well and thought it was very inappropriate. My response to that is whatever, she knows of me and probably even reads the shit I write on this stupid website, getting a slight tap on the ass from me shouldn’t come as a surprise to her. I mean hey, it’s not like I slapped her with my penis or anything (I think I woke the roommate up one time doing that, but I’m not quite sure). I didn’t go palms first and squeeze the shit out of her ass (don’t you hate it when people write “no pun intended” or crap like that?), I didn’t lovingly caress and rub her ass (at least not physically, but I did picture it next to my head as I fell asleep that night). What happened to the days of wedgies and purple nurples? That’s the shit I grew up with in grade school, and since I haven’t matured much since then I’m still in that mode (well I did go to college and stuff, but aren’t wedgies still funny?). But then I realized why she was upset. Next time I see her I’ll inform her that IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON!!!
Anyone else think Len Pasquarelli (ESPN commentator)
and Vincent “Don Vito” Margera (of Viva La Bam) are the same person?
4 comments:
Yeah, i think you're on to something... maybe vito and him are clones.
You slapped some chick you barely know's ass?
Well, I guess there are worse things you could have done, but that WAS pretty lame.
I woulda chased you down and squeezed your balls untill they gave juice... maybe you woulda liked it...just returning the unsolicited favor.
Lamer still is your idea that a small ass is a good ass.
Oh, but I forgot, you live in Milwaukee (I was born there) and white boys up there still think a small ass is a good ass.
Anyway, I came by to check you out.
Don't squeeze my ass for it! ANd don't even THINK about the purple nurple.
I own a riding crop....
WAH-Pishhhhh
death to word verification!
iklmslpd
AWESOME!
You should probably duck though when you walk back into the bar, just in case the jealous boyfriend is waiting for you with an ax-handle.
The Len Pasquerelli/Don Vito comparison is PRICELESS!
The Swan
That night with Andy was funny. Damn, what bar was that? It was the one on Water that had the dance floor. Can't think of it, oh well. At any rate, yes B stayed at his table to drink his beer (can u imagine?) while Andy and I went to hit the floor. Next thing I know Andy isn't dancing but looking at me with a devlish grin while his hands are planted smack on some girl's ass who is dancing in front of him on a platform (yes he had to reach up to grab her cheeks). Too funny. (would've been funnier if she had noticed he wasn't even dancing but simply groping her)
u did wake me and i will race u home anynight i am wearing tennis shoes and beat u every time.
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